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Why do some people appear ungrateful ?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Libby22 Report 7 Mar 2009 02:08

I have to get this off my chest!

It seems to me that some people appear ungrateful for info found for them. An example: 'thanks for your reply, they are my relatives'. And that's it!. In many cases, the VOLUNTEER helper has spent considerable time searching bmd indexes, or census records. Surely the requester could give more elaborate feedback, ie. ' Thank you so much for your time, I am most grateful, you have found my ancestors who I've been searching for xxxxxx amount of time. Thanks again, much appreciated'.

Do other volunteers feel disheartened at times?

Note to the ungrateful requesters: I remember your site names and vow never to help you again! If you would like further help - then have the decency to give appropriate gratitude, some requesters don't appear to realise that the forums here are answered by volunteers kind enough to give their own time.


MrsBucketBouquet Report 7 Mar 2009 02:33

HERE! HERE! Libby9. also dont forget....sometimes these volunteers use up thier credits trying to help you! (This means MONEY!)

A 'THANKYOU' costs nothing....


Vicci Report 7 Mar 2009 03:36

the ones that really annoy me are those who don't respond at all!! so am grateful for even a little thankyou


SylviaInCanada Report 7 Mar 2009 05:50

Here here

but especially the ones who don't say anything at all!!

The last few times one of us got exasperated enough to put up a thread, someone has posted saying how we shouldn't give help if we expected thank yous!!

I have to tell you, I got a thank you on a thread yesterday ................. for information posted almost 2½ years ago!!


nameslessone Report 7 Mar 2009 08:29

Surely any reply is better than no reply.

And why should the thank yous be so fulsome?

And why do some 'volunteers' demand that questioneers conform rigidly to their instructions?

And why on earth would volunteers use credits rather than subs?

Remember that some people don't understand that many of you just at the screen all day as though you were professionals.


FRANK06 Report 7 Mar 2009 09:41

As a member of the (slightly) older generation, I was brought up to show respect, say please, thank you and generally be polite.
In modern times the emphasis appears to be one of getting what you can while giving as little as possible in return.
The `something for nothing` scenario which can show up as sheer arrogance in some requests.

I.e. I`m looking for my wife`s mum Jenny Stewart from Scotland born before the war..
No actual mention of what they require, be it births, marriages, deaths etc. Then of course the effort required to glean any more details at home seems too much trouble and the people at that people finders place will know................
That`s their job !!!!!!???? P.S THIS IS A FACETIOUS REMARK
Sadly it`s just a sign of the times in which we live and if you don`t agree, just try holding a door open at a busy store while counting the number of "thankyous" offered and the glowers you will receive when you get fed up!

To the "Door holders" at the Genes Reunited site....THANK YOU.


GypsyJoe Report 7 Mar 2009 09:57

I now feel guilty.

I may not go over the top with thankyou's, but after each time I check back on my threads I'll reply with a thankyou for each stage.

I too have helped occationally when it's something I may have a clue about and yes it does bug you when you don't even get a thanks. But sometimes I think people get so excited by what has just been discovered they don't give it a second thought. Some yes are the younger generation but I also think a lot may even be still rather new to this world of ancestry research.

I know when I first started out I wasn't giving enough info when asking for help and it's something you learn along the way.

The same goes for contacting people through messages straight up instead of responding to the thread.

I once had someone contact me with a request to view my tree as their first contact. I wrote back asking why and they got a bit upset I think I explained that one normally corresponds with info first trying to establish the link before viewing ones tree only if there is a genuine match.



AnnCardiff Report 7 Mar 2009 10:02

I got really hacked off yesterday with a poster who was given lots and lots of information, never acknowleding any of it but just coming up with more demands - not one please or thank you

I put the question to him "Is any of this information given of any use to you"

I asked the question twice with no response whatsoever, he just kept posting demands

In the end I asked him if he was deliberately ignoring me and could he please say if the information was valid

His reply was that he didn't understand what I was saying and by the way thanks for your help - still not answering the question

Needless to say I then deleted all my postings on his thread

All I was endeavouring to do, in the nicest way, was to get him to acknowledge the information given but he failed to see it. I am under the impression that he is of the opinion we are paid to find this information

Conversely I am happy to say he is just one of a few like that and I wake up to many emails saying thanks - not that I'm doing look ups for thanks or gratitude, just pleased to help, enjoy doing it and just want acknowledgement, nothing more


nameslessone Report 7 Mar 2009 10:03

Arrogance often seems to flow from both sides.
Some volunteers are very nice and helpful - others are not. Some of them forget that they are dealing with novices on the most part. So why be so cross at them.
(You can usually tell those that just don't want to pay for their own searches)

Frank _ I don't understand the Jobs line - maybe that is because I too am from the (slightly) older generation. The female one that still does hold does open.


AnnCardiff Report 7 Mar 2009 10:05

and as to holding doors open - if people walk through without an acknowledgement I always say "Thank you for letting me hold the door open for you"

°o.OOº°‘¨Claire in Wales¨‘°ºOO.o°

°o.OOº°‘¨Claire in Wales¨‘°ºOO.o° Report 7 Mar 2009 10:12

I'm perfectly happy to accept a please & a thank you, I really don't think a "more elaborate feedback" is needed


Amanda Report 7 Mar 2009 10:43

i just read the comments about people not saying thank you when the voluntees help them out . i askded for help the other day and had 8 replys and was very greatfull.
As this was the first tim i have done anything like this i was not sure if i should answer each reply or send one message saying thank you? like someone else said i was so excited about getting an answer back that it was only the next day i started to think how to say thank you.
I am sure that a lot of people like me do appreciat what you do but we just get carried away when we get an reply back

Signing of with a big thank you for everyone that helped me out trying to find Peter Swales



Ricochet Report 7 Mar 2009 10:57

Those of us who try to help do so because we enjoy it.........we would not bother if we didn't.

BUT.................that does not mean that we don't like to be thanked.

Nor does it mean that it is not necessary to say 'please' when asking for help. I've lost count of the number of 'requests' which say 'I want'.............I was brought up with the edict 'I want never gets'

We don't ask for gushing, over-effusive thanks,which can seem insincere, anyway........just a simple 'Thanks for helping' posted on the thread is all that is needed.


Nannylicious Report 7 Mar 2009 12:19

In defence of newbies who are still finding their way round I'd just like to say that I have posted a few "Thank You" messages....or at least I thought I had. Then, much later, when replying to someone who had posted a query on this board, I realised that I hadn't previously pressed the "add" button and so my grateful thanks had probably disappeared into internet space.

We are grateful - honestly!



Ray Report 7 Mar 2009 12:45

I always say thank you, And when I am sent info from distant,
rellies, I let them know that I am aware of the hard work they,
have done ( some have been doing tree for 30 years)
and I appreciate what they tell me,
however I have family that take it for granted that I will inform,
them of my findings (which I glady do share) even though,
they dont fully understand the time & cost of it all

Families hey!

Cockney Rebel


AnnCardiff Report 7 Mar 2009 12:55

and don't any of you think we are having a go at newbies!! no way! I go all out to help newbies and I donlt care how many emails they send me. If it wasnlt for newbies I would have a very boring day indeed - I just love doing lookups!!!!


Ray Report 7 Mar 2009 13:02

Can I just add,

Whenever I ask for help be it Trying to find,Tips board or Look ups
at least one if not several people always help me,
there are some lovely helpful peeps on these boards
I hope a small minority of ingrates dont spoil it for the Majority.

Cockney Rebel


Ray Report 7 Mar 2009 13:19

Hi Jacki

Ingrate,,,,,,,,,Ungrateful person.....old english



FRANK06 Report 7 Mar 2009 13:25

/ingrayt/ formal or literary

• noun an ungrateful person.

• adjective ungrateful.

— ORIGIN Latin ingratus, from in- ‘not’ + gratus ‘grateful’

Google, Yahoo or any other search engine will bring up any answers you require.


FRANK06 Report 7 Mar 2009 13:50

Just some thoughts on earlier questions which I will assume were not rhetorical.

Surely any reply is better than no reply?

.............Doesn`t that depend on the reply? If it is merely a request for more information then surely it should also display some degree of appreciation,however small, for the time and expense involved in the research.

And why should the thank yous be so fulsome?

.............Thank you is fine

And why do some 'volunteers' demand that questioneers conform rigidly to their instructions?

.............I think the word would be request rather than demand but the more information on offer, the better the resulting search will be.

And why on earth would volunteers use credits rather than subs?

.............You concede that as volunteers they offer assistance without asking or receiving reward. In addition to giving their time freely,they come across requests / demands for Scottish BMD which are only available as pay per view on Scotlands People, no subscriptions there.
The rates are 20p for a search and £1.00 to view a record which means there are people who will "take the hit" for 20p and pass on the basic available details only to have a request / demand for more details, dates and names, all of which would incur a £1.00 charge, come hurtling back without any acknowledgement or thanks.
Obviously not everyone is aware of these facts, but it can be irritating when it occurs regularly.
The only alternative is to visit The National Archives of Scotland.

Remember that some people don't understand that many of you just at the screen all day as though you were professionals.

................Yes, I am out in the fresh air all day so I use the weekend to relax at the screen and helping out I if I can and yes, sometimes taking "a hit"
I am sure there are many others who do the same.

It`s all about learning your past history and if you have to jump through hoops to find an elusive part of your family tree, then thats what you do.
Of course if you are not really interested or are easily put off, then this is not for you. Just remember that talking to uncles, grans,greatgrans etc can build up a lot of tree details even if some of the memories are rather vague.
I found a great uncle who died in WW1 and was totally forgotten as all the older family members had died without ever discussing it.
Incidentally, in the creation of your tree do make a point of saving it to a DVD / Memory stick / USB Key.
I am presently re-entering my Family Tree details and it`s painfull!