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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Julie Report 13 Aug 2013 13:09

a bit of a delicate situation
my friend asked me to trace her birth mum which i am 99% certain i have managed to do
we have even got an email address for her son
the thing is - the next step - this lady -we think she is still alive will be 86 - we dont want to cause any trouble ,embarrassment etc to her or her family
any suggestions please would be great


jax Report 13 Aug 2013 13:36

I would not think sending an email to her son would be a good idea.

Have you looked for an obituary or an address for her?


GlitterBaby Report 13 Aug 2013 13:38

Totally agree with Jax about the email to the son as he might not know anything about his mothers past


Julie Report 13 Aug 2013 13:44

yes think i have an address -- but dont want to give her a right shock -- its 70 years since she gave her daughter up


CupCakes Report 13 Aug 2013 14:53


I totally disagree with what the others are saying.
I have done this so many times now - 9 in total.
Am still involved with one that is one the boards at the moment.
The family didn't know anything about the persons we are dealing with but since finding out have bent over backwards to help him with info photos etc. All within 4 days. We are waiting for certs etc

Now-a-days the stigma of having a child out of wedlock is not considered any thing - there are more grumbles about uncaring mothers who don't want to meet their child.
The person who was adopted is the key important person in all incidents not the mother or any other family member - even siblings. Nothing is worse that not knowing were you come from - it messes up lives. There is far to much presumed sentiment about what they might feel.

I would send an email to the other son explaining who the person is and how you know they are the correct family so he can't dispute the claim. I'm presuming that the info has been obtained from the social services file which is free to obtain these days after 18 years.

Not one of the cases I've dealt with have turned out bad - I even telephoned somebody whose wife in her late 80 was in a panic in case she had got my details down wrong. The family were connected within 4 hours of my call.

Think you have better get on with it quick because 86 is well ......


Reggie Report 13 Aug 2013 15:15


Please take notice of the first two responses


Julie Report 13 Aug 2013 15:16

well cupcakes it has been taken out of my hands-- we were going to have a think about it this afternoon and she was going to discuss it with her daughter -- but shes just phoned me to say shes emailed the son -- so hey ho lets see what happens now lol


Reggie Report 13 Aug 2013 15:18

In my opinion, utterly irresponsible..............but, as you say, too late to change things now


Julie Report 13 Aug 2013 15:21

you ok today our Reggie - you seem a bit


jax Report 13 Aug 2013 15:21

From the workings out on your other thread she would have been 15 when your friend was that correct? could she have been sent to England to have her baby?

Does your friend have her adoption file as the name on the supposed mothers birth reg is not the same as on your friends birth cert??


Julie Report 13 Aug 2013 15:25

no she doesnt --apparently they all got lost in a fire
yes she would have been 15
i suppose she sould have been sent to england - will have to look into that one
thanks fpr all your interest


Reggie Report 13 Aug 2013 15:43



Julie Report 13 Aug 2013 16:18

yes -- just wondered if anyone knew her :-( :-( :-(


FannyByGaslight Report 13 Aug 2013 18:03

I reported Cupcakes post...It was not right in my opinion and I shall stick to that opinion.


CupCakes Report 13 Aug 2013 19:42

Fanny you can disagree with me all you like that is your prerogative. It doesn't give you the right to rr'd the post.

I am writing from my research experience over the years - 9 successes so far. Not a boast just fact. The sad thing is that in two cases they left it too late and one the birth mother died and the other the father died.

As the intermediary they are emotionally draining so I only do one at a time


FannyByGaslight Report 13 Aug 2013 19:59

I have EVERY right to RR a post if I so wish..So dont tell me I do not...You are not an Admin even if you act like you are....This is about the 4th time ever doing an RR for me since joining....

I have helped people find birth family myself...As many on here who know me can tell you..Including finding close family for myself as well !!!!

I just dont crow about it or do it in public on a board like this.

And I would NEVER advocate emailing someone out of the blue...That is just crass and uncaring of peoples feelings.....As a good friend of mine found out when his mother asked him to open and read her post as she was going blind and he found out he had a brother he never knew of as she had kept it secret for 55 years.....

Things should be done slowly and very carefully.

And I am not a newby here either and I do not play games..I tell it straight and thats that...

RR me if you wish please...I have not been RRed EVER" yet" in all my time on here so it will be a new experience for me..
And I truly dont mind if I get a ban as saying what I feel on the subject will have been worth it.

Nor do I hide behind GR skirts...If I RR someone then I let them know.!!


CupCakes Report 13 Aug 2013 20:29

Point taken, your opinion - why would anybody want to rr your post because of an opinion. I don't do sentiment..................but I'm not that mean spirited. :-D


Carter Report 13 Aug 2013 21:06

speaking from personal experience it comes as a great shock to find out about a sibling you knew nothing of.
It is not like on the telly with everyone throwing their arms around one another and welcoming each other in to their lives
it comes with lots of heartbreak as peoples secrets are revealed and lies are discovered.
Lives are changed for ever. so please please please think very carefully before contacting people.
everyone has the right to know where they come from but as i said sometimes it comes at a cost and lives and relationships are changed for ever


LadyKira Report 13 Aug 2013 21:26

Well said Carter and FBG.


SylviaInCanada Report 13 Aug 2013 22:05

I would NEVER dream of emailing, or telephoning, a suspected member of a birth family out of the blue, without some prior preparation and contact.

That shows a total mis-comprehension of the problems that might arise.

Everyone has their rights, not only the one searching for their birth mother.

Some compassion is needed.

so, indeed, well said Carter and FBG