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adoption/hints and hugs from other adoptees*Chapte

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Rebecca

Rebecca Report 6 Apr 2006 21:22

Hi Melisa I think we all get a bit neurotic from time to time. Does your 1/2 BS know who her father is? Maybe she was just a bit jealous and genuinely has never known who your BF is and thought that your BM might have told you and her nose was a little out of joint at the thought that she had never been told? Hopefully it will be a storm in a tea cup Rebecca :)

Jess Bow Bag

Jess Bow Bag Report 6 Apr 2006 21:17

nudged for a newby **welcome**

Eileen

Eileen Report 6 Apr 2006 14:57

Hi, Joan, glad you are back. Hope you had a good holiday. Thanks to everyone wishing me a good move - is the actual process ever good - lol. All I know is that we adoptees don't only carry emotional baggage, it leaks over to making us have material baggage as well. Please someone say I am not the only hoarder. Nearest charity shops are 40 twisting partly single track miles away. I can't bear to just 'bin' stuff. Someone might use that lampshade etc. Off for another half hours work then I'll reward myself with another wee peek at GR Eileen

Loopy

Loopy Report 6 Apr 2006 11:33

Hi Glen, I know how you feel, you just want to shake them and say for goodness sake lets get it all over and done with now and tell me everything, the good, bad and the ugly. At least we can deal with it and move forward from there. I have no patience - at all. I am sure that if I had been living in England I would have probably already knocked on one of the birth families door, with a couple of extermly large bottles of wine, just to get the lips started !! LOL Seeya Melisa

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 6 Apr 2006 09:28

Hi Mel I'm pretty sure we all try to read between the lines when we get a reply,i certainly do.I look and question the contradictions i can see in a message or sometimes in a single line of a message,and ask 'how can you say that there,then say this here?' I beleive it comes from the fear that someone is hokding back on letting you know something that good or bad you really need to know for your own sake. My half brother says things like 'anything i can tell you about your parents may not be nice',then won't tell me anything.Well when it is put that way you tend to think he knows something and i would rather hear that my b/m was a bit of a floosie than wonder if she got caught out once when she fell drunk,or that my b/f was a womaniser rather than he had an uncontrolled attack of lust. I just scream at the monitor 'Tell me',i'm a big boy now i don't need him to protect me by ignoring my messages. Now who's venting off lol Glen

Loopy

Loopy Report 6 Apr 2006 09:13

Hi Everyone, Happy Packing Eileen. Well I have had a email from my 1/2 BS, 2 actually, the first one said after I had emailed her asking to explain herself as I might have missed something. The first one came back with ' I don't know who he is and that BM had not really mentioned much to her about it ' The second a few hours later came saying that she had spoken to BM and she told her that she had told us both the same story and 1/2 BS was unsure as to what BM had told me about BF. So maybe it was all a bit of a storm in a tea cup ( I hope ) we will have to wait it out - Sorry Guys for getting all a bit put out and not waiting for a reply before I posted, I just needed to vent I guess. I am normally not a overly sensitive person and look at most things with a Oh Well can't please everyone attitude, but with this I second guess everything and are always reading things into what the emails say. I am going neurotic or what ?? LOL Thanks again for being there! And ((((((((hugs ))))))))))) for everyone who needs it, Seeya Melisa

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 6 Apr 2006 02:53

For Everyone Don't give up on never knowing who your father was. I reunited twin sons with their mother (aged 89) about 3 years ago - they were given up at 13 months in the early 1940's. Bless her, she didn't remember their father when they asked. About 6 months later she was having tea with their sister and suddenly she remembered their father's name. I know she was in the early stages of dementia but at least it came to her. I do believe a lot of ladies who gave up their children are in denial because of the guilt forced upon them and they 'block out' the memories. Joan an adoptive mum who has reunited her son with his first mum.

Eileen

Eileen Report 6 Apr 2006 00:45

The problem is that we cannot turn the clock back, and maybe, just maybe, many of our mothers wished the same thing. However bad our starts were, at least we are here, and able to be in a wonderful world despite many peoples efforts to spoil it. Lets have a group cyber hug to say to eachother that we care for eachother despite our often sad beginnings and experiences. These postings certanly prove that we do care for eachother, and that is something to take great comfort in. (((((hugs))))) to all of us Eileen

Ann

Ann Report 6 Apr 2006 00:36

HI all Well its been a sad week........but in saying that its a relief as well.. My BB has refused contact and yes it was a relief for both my BS and me. I cant go into details but he didnt get the fairytale Adoption story like my BS and I. And his life went up and down from then on. And even though I was happy to finally have a brother.....it was not my fairytale bro. Do you think we forget that not all have great lives and some just have plain shit from the start....excuse the shit. And make things worse it was my curiosity that caused his confusion as he didnt know he was adopted....That makes me sad and somewhat guilty. And it was his honesty that told us of his bad past. Sheila My BM told me I was a one night stand....so I dont think I will ever know his name... But received letter from BU and he said BM was a bag nerves after my call but also happy that I rang. Who knows maybe her memory might come back one day. Some days I want to get of this roller coaster and go home. Other days I want to keep on riding. Do any of you sometimes want to turn the clock back? Annxx

Geraldine

Geraldine Report 5 Apr 2006 23:32

Hi Sheila I found my brother in November last year. I'd seen searching for him for 15 years. I managed to get his adoption certificate after realising I'd been sitting on a clue from the adoption register people since 1991 (I'm a bit thick) 'After Adoption' contacted him personally (and not through his adopted mother for once this time) I received his message a few days before Christmas that he doesn't wish contact with me or our other brother (our mother died in 1990) My other brother lives an hour away from him and I live in Melbourne... half a world away. I left it 3 months until his birthday and sent him a card and a letter in it. He will have received it two weeks ago and he hasn't replied. If he read the letter (and not binned it) I think he may change his mind about contact... one day. He still lives at home with his a/mother who is quite elderly now... perhaps, it's a loyalty thing. I have all sorts of sonarios (sp?) going round in my head as to why a 49 year man still lives with his mother. But... I live in hopes that he'll make contact one day, just hope I'm not in my dotage when he does. Cheers Gerry

Sheila

Sheila Report 5 Apr 2006 17:57

Hi Gerry, Not seen you about for a while, how are things going with your search for your brother ? Nugents used to be the Liverpool Catholic Chilldrens Society and also Catholic Social Services, thin it handlend mainly cases in the North West her if info on their site now The Nugent Care Society* www.nugentcare.co.uk Email: nugent@nugent.co.uk Children's Fieldwork Services Blackbrook House Blackbrook Road St Helens, WA11 9RJ Tel: 01744 605700 Fax: 01744 608065 We seek to recruit, assess and train prospective adoptive parents for older children, those with learning difficulties and/or disabilities and brother and sister groups. The Team supports and supervises adoptive placements and offers post adoption services when required. The Team provides section 51 counselling under the Adoption Act 1976 to adopted adults whose adoptions the Society arranged, and assist the adopted person in tracing their birth relatives. The Team also counsels parents who are considering placing an expected child for adoption. Home study assessments for intercountry adoptions are undertaken on behalf of various councils in the North West area. Was it a particular Society you where interested in ? I thought yours was arranging for you to contact your brother, no news there yet ? Eileen Best of luck with your move, hope it all goes smoothly, think your right about the files as well, but at least now the law is in our favour to persue the matter if they will not disclose the info Nugents was taken to court I think it was 2001 as a test case for not disclocing info to an adoptee, and seems to have now changed its stance somewhat,, that said there are many good SW out there willing to help, guess its the luck of the draw, but most of them do move at at a snails pace. Take Care all. Sheila

Eileen

Eileen Report 5 Apr 2006 17:23

lets just have a quick nudge - I am not supposed to be on here at all as I am supposed to be sorting and packing for the big move back South next week. In fact, this time next week I hope I shall be unpacking in Wales. I just had a long chat with a nice lady from Womens' Weekly who wants to do an article on Adoption - how long have you got!!!! lol I told her about the postings on here, so hopefully she will be able to get a good idea of what an assortment we all are, and how different and yet the same all our stories to date. By the way, where are you my full sister Jennifer Ann, born 22nd September, 1945, our mother lived in Bisley and we were born in Woking. Eileen PS - I don't believe anyone's records have been in fires, its just too easy for some of the SWs to say this, and hope we will go away. I'm off now to do some more sorting and packing

Geraldine

Geraldine Report 5 Apr 2006 08:11

Hi Sheila Can you tell me more about Nugent's and when they closed down. Do you happen to know what areas they covered at the time. Many thanks for any help you can give. Cheers Gerry

Louise

Louise Report 4 Apr 2006 23:04

hi Sheila, Yes youre probably quite right, I just found it bizarre. Mel, Hang on in there babe, I'm sure you will find the truth & (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) for now. Louise.

Sheila

Sheila Report 4 Apr 2006 22:51

Hi Mel, Any news from you HS yet, hope you are feeling a little better now. I do not think your sister is stirring things, she may genuinely not know the circumstances involved, give her the benefit of the doubt, but reckon the story is best coming from you BM than you. If you need to talk e.mail me :O) Rebecca As the other have said first contact is your local SS they will put your wheels in motion and hopefully locate your adoption records. With the possible exception of Eileen i do not believe these records have all been lost in fires, possibly mislaid though, however they should be able to track them down. If not at the very least they should be able to trace your court records for some info, Good luck to those waiting to view them. Louise maybe your records have been shipped to your local office as most of them are stored there now, when Nugents in Liverpool closed down, they shipped most files to an office a couple of miles from where my BS lived, but this was just coincedence. Ann Any more news from BF ? been in touch since ? Dorothy, I think some SW are great, but for some old habits die hard and they are human after all, not all may be in favour of you being able to trace you BF now, and they may not be so helpful along the way. Also there have been stories are files being destroyed by ' well meaning social and charity workers' along the way, guess they thought at the time they where doing the right thing, and never realised how things would change over the years :O( Take Care all Sheila

Dorothy

Dorothy Report 4 Apr 2006 19:11

hi everyone the snow in my part of canada is melting and a friend came to visit me and mentioned that she had read a great portion of a book and it included the following on being a parent as we had been discussing my adoption and finding out so late in lifeI thought I would share it with you all. What it takes to be a good parent having kids means taking care of them, raising them, loving and supporting them, and none of those things have anything to do with who makes them one night in the bedroom or the experience of being pregnant. I fopund this to be quite a good statement. Glen I wish you continued luck with your search and all the rest of you as well, I find it amazing that finding information from 3000 miles away went so well for me and that so many others are being put off by social workers does not make sense. regards to all dorothy barrie canada

Jess Bow Bag

Jess Bow Bag Report 4 Apr 2006 19:02

Mel, after what you told me, that is an awful thing to happen- you dont think BM is covering up the truth rather than have you asking difficult Q's? - rather Q's that she has a probelm answering? It sounds as though t'other one knows something...or is SHE stirring the pot. how is her relationship with B/m? jess

Bacardi

Bacardi Report 4 Apr 2006 19:02

hi all i contacted my local s/s which is in wales and she sorted getting my file for me which was in b,ham, good luck to every one trying to locate there files,it must be very fustrating,hang in there and dont give up hugs angie xxxxxxxxxx

Rebecca

Rebecca Report 4 Apr 2006 18:39

Helloooo All, Just a bit of advice really. I live in quite a small town but work for a local authority for a big city council. Would I need to contact the s/s serivces department of where I am living now? Or would the one where I'm working now do it for me? Or does it need to be the one in the Town where I was born? P.S. Does anyone know if Nottingham Manchester of Rossendale S/S departments have had fires like a lot seem to have had? Please and Thank you :)

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 4 Apr 2006 18:33

Hi Mel and everyone. Mel,i know exactly what you mean,my half bro didn't know who i was but knew all about me all in one e-mail,then he knew the name of my father and the sort of person he was etc,but can't tell me anything as he doesn't know!!!??? On a positive note i have just had an e-mail from Lincoln S/S.My records will be at my local office next week,why didn't i do that three months ago. Whether i learn anything new or not i won't know till i get them,but you never know. Glen