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adoption/hints and hugs from other adoptees*Chapte

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Jess Bow Bag

Jess Bow Bag Report 28 Feb 2006 12:18

Ann. i can understand where you are coming from and it is very hard. my birth mothers story to me was i was ''something that happened on the way home from work one evening''- what was I to draw from that? She also denied having me at all ''I'm the wrong person'' - again i could have walked away, but evidence kept me going. I have a full birth sister also given for adoption , 6 years older than me, that i found .it was her that questioned birth mother in her quest for knowledge as to the birth of a second daughter, to which she replied ''i was stupid, but not so stupid as to fall for his charm twice'' - Yes you were , and yes you did, and i am the documented evidence of that! I still have the letter to this day that my birth sister wrote to me saying i had 'crossed wires' and that we were not birth sisters after all - because BM denied it. WHY? That hurt! she didnt want us, and gave us for adoption - i dont have a problem with that - what i did not understand is why - to try and appease no-one but herself- she told lies - why deny us each others existance? We didnt ask to be born! All that happens now is that she (birth sister Ruth) and i have formed the firmest of friendships and believe nothing of what BM ever told us. Jess

Ann

Ann Report 28 Feb 2006 12:39

Jess, Yes its hard to believe the storys but I must admitt that my BM has been a bit better then yours. Her Family have been welcoming, which I didnt expect. They call us family know and thats hard to come to terms with as I have a family. My BirthSister and I are starting get to know each other and its a strange feeling. Its hard to talk to people who are not adoptee's, so I am grateful to all of you who answer me. Annxxx

Jess Bow Bag

Jess Bow Bag Report 28 Feb 2006 12:42

Ann -it's what this thread , and the three before it , were all about. being there for each other. there is no other feeling in the world that equates with adoption 'turmoil' - you have to be there to understand. spout off as much as you like- we know what it feels like and if its not 'me' one of the other adoptess will have been there. jess

Ann

Ann Report 28 Feb 2006 12:46

Thanks again Jess, I,m going to bed, my brain is tired.lol Catch up soon Annxx YES LIZ THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT TO. just read your reply.

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 28 Feb 2006 13:05

Just thinking out loud again really and asking for opinions. My half brother says he knew of a child (me) and he and the other two wondered if i would ever try to contact them. Strangely though even though i have passed my address,landline and mobile number,and personal e-mail address to him,without any pressure to try and force contact,he seems content to swap the occasional short e-mail and nothing more. The sister seems to be the one who knows more about the family,but it would seem she does not have a computer (or certainly isn't a GR member). She is 'quite happy to help' (quoted from his e-mail) but obviously they haven't swapped my details between them or she doesn't have the desire/need/compulsion to contact me in any way. Am i being paranoid? I did say i didn't need the big family reunion thing,and if they wished to meet me i would be more than happy to do so,but if not that was okay too. They are all mid fifties,i'm in my late late thirties. I just can't quite understand whether they want to know or not. I know families are strange,but being realistic i don't want to be left dangling. I did think that for 39 years i didn't know about them and perhaps a bold move (a letter or possibly phone call) to my sister would perhaps tell me where we stand. Just feels like someone should say 'come on' or 'get lost'. Is that strange? I didn't really mean it as a question,just feeling a bit unsure today Glen

Sheila

Sheila Report 28 Feb 2006 13:40

Hi There are a few little things I would like to add here, Ann There can be lots of things that set you of on your search for your birth family, like the death of an adoptive parent, the birth of your own child or like you say a birth family member making contact, all these reasons are fine, as long as you stand back and decide are you ready for the full impact this search may have on you, could you face rejection or knowing the full story of your adoption, if so you will know in your heart that its time, if not by all means gather what info you can, and even trace your birth family but until you know hand on heart you can cope with the worst, take a backwards step till your ready. Hopefully all will turn out well, but unless your prepared for all the emotional turmoil it can cause back of for a little while. Jess I really do not know if our BM's mean to lie, to us, or if it is a coping mechanism, to try and justify giving up one child to anyone is hard enough for most people, but to try and justify giving up several as in some of our cases, must be be ever harder, even to admit the reasons to yourself. So time diminishes the facts and changes events, and in the end even our birth parents can believe these versions themself. I doubt if many of us will ever get the truth 100%, there is the version in our adoption records, there is the version, from our birth parents, also this may differ from what our adoptive parents tell us, and somewhere about there is the what really happened, guess you have to settle for a compremise and just believe some of it. Hi Melissa, Glad to see it has finally come, what I said to Ann also applies to you, but that said if you decide to proceed with the search fell free to e.mail me. Liz and Ann, Give the relationship time, same goes for you Glen, you cannot suddenly have an instant bond with each other, most brothers and sister have history together, common memories, links to other family memebers , ...... with your birth family aim for a friendship and hope it develops to more with time, this may not always happen, but at least you have tried. Glen I have been thinking about your case, Sheila should have still got your e-mail even if she is no longer a member, however, maybe her e-mail address has changed. Looking at her message is this the sister you mention, will send you a PM, if so she mentions James passing on ........ but also about knowing he had other children which could be a ray of light for you. Take Care everyone, hope your searches go as well as you hope for, Sheila

Ann

Ann Report 28 Feb 2006 22:30

Hi Sheila, Time does make us forget what the facts are, so I dont expect to much. And we are lucky that she didnt reject us AGAIN and pretend that we still dont exist. Even though she didnt have much choice, she still could have ignored us. And my BS and I are trying to be friends not sisters. I dont expect anything from her family. But from her I would like some home truths and I dont think its expecting to much. Having patience might be the key. Ann,,.. hi to jess,liz., Melisa and Glen

Loopy

Loopy Report 1 Mar 2006 05:27

Hi all Well I have finally opened the envelope after looking at it for sometime and expecting it to open its self, and what a strange feeling I had while reading it. I can't explain the feeling as it was not sadness nor happiness. I think I have read it now about 30 times hoping it will all of a sudden tell me something else or maybe more words will appear on it - strange I know. In my mind this tells me I have to have a ride on the scariest roller coaster I have ever been on sometimes I may be sad or cry, beg to get off , have moments of happiness or I may even laugh or maybe even vomit. Who knows . Get me a ticket I am ready to ride. What ever will be will be and I will be no worse of. Hi Sheila I have sent you a pm Thanks for Listening/ Reading. Cya Melisa

Jess Bow Bag

Jess Bow Bag Report 1 Mar 2006 08:00

Yep, melissa, remember the feeling well! Start your trip from A< the info you have to B< where it will take you The thing is there i'll bet you have no idea where B is, or if you will ever get there! Good luck, keep talking to us along the way. jess x

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 1 Mar 2006 10:28

Hi Jess Just curious,did you get a lorra lorra choices of hats from you know who? Glen

Glen In Tinsel Knickers

Glen In Tinsel Knickers Report 1 Mar 2006 15:37

Now you lot i REALLY need your support. After today receiving a marriage cert it links lots of loose ends together,and it works out that although very distant,i'm linked into the tree of our esteemed Horatia I don't know if that is good or bad. Glen

Eileen

Eileen Report 1 Mar 2006 18:40

not been on for ages as having house sale problems just now. Yes, seeing all the names on the birth certs. is really weird, like it is actually someone else you are reading about, but you know it is really you in another dimension. Then you start wondering where you would have been, who you would have been etc. That way madness lies. With regard to siblings passing information amongst themselves, all my siblings knew about me, but each thought the others did not know, so did not discuss it. They all know now, that I am in touch with some of them, but it all seems all right that they are not all in touch with me direct. One half bro. is the particular correspondent, and passes on info about the others. For me, I am still searching for that elusive full sister, who probably does not even know that the rest of us exist. Where are you, Jennifer Ann, born 22nd September 1945 in Woking. Our mother lived in Bisley, and her name was Muriel. Eileen

Jess Bow Bag

Jess Bow Bag Report 1 Mar 2006 19:06

Oh Glen , that IS scarey! said H changed her name or gone to ground? havent seen her for a while. No hats yet

MrsBucketBouquet

MrsBucketBouquet Report 1 Mar 2006 19:31

Hi Jess and everyone Do you mind if I add a WARNING to this thread? As alot of you already know, I 1st found my adopted half sister through GR. She's 53, I'm 57. Still havent met her as she doesnt want to. Thats ok.....we have dealt with that. 2nd ..... My adopted Nephew found us last November just 2 weeks before his BM sadly died.(my Sister) Since then we have welcomed him into his birth family with open arms, nephews /nieces/ cousins/aunts and uncles....Family gatherings....He and his partner have stayed over in most of our homes.... HERES THE WARNING....... We have just been informed that he is on the sex offenders register for child porn!!!! PLEASE please dont rush to let STRANGERS into your lives! Get to know each other before getting too involved. We learnt the hard way......dont make the same mistake as we did when we were at an all time low.(my sister was dying) Adopters and families have the same doubts and fears that the adoptees do. I wish you all that you want and also a SAFE journey. Kindest thoughts to you all, Gerri x

Ann

Ann Report 1 Mar 2006 22:27

Hi Jess and all, That's the worst of all this is, HOW do you know who to trust and if they are good people and not devietes. I have still not meet my BS. Her kids dont know about her being Adopted. Curiosity makes me want to meet her, but I am not rushing it. And I think I am getting used to not having high expectations. You know some days I wish it never happened. Do you believe things happen for a reason?????? Annxx

Ann

Ann Report 3 Mar 2006 23:30

So has everyone moved to another thread or what?????? I have been reading chapter 3, and other threads. Its good to read and feel that your not the only one.

Loopy

Loopy Report 4 Mar 2006 06:53

Hi Ann No I have not moved to another thread I have been busy looking for the Births / Marriges to match my birth certificate and have been caught up doing that. Once I get some more concrete info will let you all know how its going. Though it does make it hard as when we are awake and ready to chat almost everyone else is asleep and visa versa. Seeya Melisa

Jess Bow Bag

Jess Bow Bag Report 4 Mar 2006 07:20

sorry Ann. I think things do happen for a reason - i guess i was lucky- post adoption i had everything - and despite my having met BM, mum and dads love ( my adopted mum and dad ) is unconditional - they think the world of my birth sister, as they say,''neither of you asked to be given away''. her adoptive father ( her mum is dead) wont entertain the idea at all - which i suppose is the flip side. Not sure that your birth sisters offspiring really need to know she is adopted, in order for you to meet- perhaps that is a reason she is using to stall for time. do you write/talk on the phone or have any form of ongoing communication at all? Jess x

Ann

Ann Report 4 Mar 2006 22:49

Hi jess Yes my BS and I email and talk on the telelphone. And I just cant say its her that doesnt want to meet. I am yes and no girl all the time. I am so nervous about it. i sometime feel sick about it. Might be the age. Its been over a week since i last heard from her but thats not unusual. Its hard to understand someone from the email or telephone. My parent know about her, but thats it. They dont know the rest and thats hard cause I dont like lying to them, but see no way out of it. They went a bit stiff (only way I can decribe it,scared I guess) when I told them about BS. But they were bettet the my sister she has acted as if it doesnt exist. Her attitude surprised me as she is Adopted as well and I thought she would be my rock. Gee was I in for a shock. Catch up soon Ann Hi Melisa, Good luck with your search, Would you belive my search ended here(Genereunited) and in 12hrs I had contact with my BM Brother who told her and the rest of his family. It took me 2 months to get up the courage. I knew it was his/her family tree with her name and age. So Quick. Talk soon Ann

Sheila

Sheila Report 5 Mar 2006 00:38

Hi Ann, You know what your going through is perfectly normal, I e-mailed my BS for a while first, and then we started to chat on messenger, it's easier to get to know someones personality that way. We then spoke on the phone and arranged to meet a bit later (poor thing flew over here ,to meet me and stay here, so thank goodness we got on brilliantly or it would have been awkward otherwise). The point is, we took a little time to get to know each other, by the time we met, we had already become good friends, and then you take it from there. You would not expect to meet a friend and straight away be lifelong friends, this relaltionship like everthing else, it has to be worked on. Just remember she is in the same situation and is probably just as scared as you, she was given up by your BM and had a new family who she was raised by, I am sure everything you are feeling she is feeling too, so straight away you wil have something in common, just go from there. No one gives you a manual with this search and for each person it may be diiderent, its just a learning curve this is why this thread is so good, it helps people who have been through what you are going through try and give you some support and advice. Hope all goes well for you all. Sheila