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OLDE CRONE RETURNS!!!! Time to journey home......

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Macbev Report 13 Dec 2005 16:43

Lucky I got out of bed for a wee break and looked in on the C- party arrangements, Bev. The postal pixies won't deliver a parcel that size to the door -they'll put one of those little card thingummies in my letter box telling me to collect it from the post office and bring proper ID (they're ID-mad at the P.Os these days. As if a terrorist would be carrying authentic ID any way!!). If you can get her here by Friday it should be OK. After that, my mail will be held until I get back. Better put plenty of Guiness and crackers in the box with her, just in case. P'raps you should include some reading matter as well..... I wouldn't send her surface mail. They're getting a bit tough on 'boat people' here now and I wouldn't want your mum to spend C-Day in Pt Hedland Detention Centre. Bev-from-Perth-underdaks-down, heading back to bed

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 13 Dec 2005 18:38

Macbev Don't worry about finding a landing spot near to mine - just aim for the house at the end of my road which has approximately one million flashing lightbulbs all over it, then follow the noise.(Us on the lawn) Actually, you had prob better all bring some bottled water - for the last two days, my water supply has been 100% chlorine and I have not had a decent cup of coffee since Sunday. The Water Board say it is perfectly safe to drink; I say, but who would want to? Still, this is but a small hitch in my normally flawless (har har) domestic arrangements and I am investigating the possibility of digging a well for Xmas, on my front lawn - why not, I could decorate it with pretty lights in the good old Xmas tradition (Thinks: after Xmas, must find out why Wishing Wells are traditional Xmas Decos). Will you be expecting a cobweb-free zone? If so, you might be rather disappointed and should bring a duster with you. I've got the sprouts on already, on a low light, they should be ready in time for the big day (oh, shades of my Granny's cooking). Roast Seagull is not all that nice, I understand, but I have been eying up a particularly nasty parrot in someone's front window - anyone have any experience of roast parrot? Hope Bev's Mum has a nice time in Oz, dodging the granny-killers, but I do have to say, (rather sourly, I admit) that Bev is kicking up rather a fuss about ONE measly relative, when the rest of us have had to suffer from Multiple Batty Relative Syndrome for years. Olde Crone (wondering why we are all still here........)


TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 13 Dec 2005 18:59

Ah, I think I may have solved my transport problem. Seeing as how Bev lives in the WRONG Perth (how inconsiderate can you get?), and Merry's ski run is going nowhere near either Cheshire or Watford, I was getting rather worried. But us ladies-with-batty-rellies are nothing if not inventive. Driving to work this morning (yes, I can still drive that far - unfortunately), I passed the usual array of overdecorated flashing, glittering electricity wasters, covered with lit-up santas etc. Then, a novel idea. One house has a sort of wrought iron arch over the entrance to the drive, and tied to this were dozens of balloons! That's it! Come C.......... Eve, (after dark of course) I will sneak along and detach all the balloons. I have a very large cardboard box which I have been saving since we bought a new TV several decades ago. If I tie all the baloons to the box, and then sit in it, I reckon we should quite easily get airbourne. Of course, if there is insufficient up-draught I may have to jettison some of the supplies en route. If you hear on the news that tins of custard powder have inexplicably been raining down from the heavens onto the heads of an unsuspecting public, you will know I am on my way. Now, I just have to keep an eye on the wind direction. It was generous of Hemel Hempstead to donate such a magnificent wind-direction guide, although I am not sure it will last until C......... Eve. Still, it's going the right way at the moment. Perhaps some sort of a rudder might help - don't want to end up in the Channel Islands by mistake. Any ideas? Tina

The Bag

The Bag Report 13 Dec 2005 19:28

Big question we need to bring gifts , if so what? are we going to have a cyber whip round or nominate who we are going to buy for and spend , what ,27p on each ?, best to set a value or the richer ones will no doubt spend a whole £2 , and that makes one feel so inadequate, In order to meet the target of 27p, car boot/jumble sale purchases could be considered satisfactory.

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 13 Dec 2005 19:32

Tina.....for your rudder, I would talk to Jess....she is making one in case I overshoot Cornwall and she has to sail her Executive roof box to the Scilly Isles or to New York Who is the ''we'' in this phrase??? ''we should quite easily get airbourne'' You and the and the antique TV cardboard box........ or you and someone else?? Make sure you wear your thermal undies for the balloon ride. You don't want frozen Tena Lady's............... Merry

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 13 Dec 2005 19:40

27p????????.......will raid childrens piggy banks! I was going to steal a few of your out of date Quality Street and individually wrap them in the off-cuts from last years Xmas paper (in our house we always used to reuse Xmas and B'day paper several times before the presents had to be soooo small we have to buy a new sheet.) Merry


TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 13 Dec 2005 19:46

Oh dear, Merry, how very astute of you. A freudian slip on my part, I fear. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I am still convinced that I must be related to royalty (well, you know how bad the Ancestry transcriptions are - I am quite convinced that 'William Jones - Labourer' is a mistranscription for 'William IV - King'). Although, if I thought there was any chance of getting airbourne with a double payload, I might bring sister-in-law along for the first part of the journey, and then jettison her somewhere over the mouth of the Severn. Tina


Unknown Report 13 Dec 2005 19:48

I full admit to being a total novice at batty relatives. In fact, this is my first very batty mother Xmas - she was only slightly batty last year. That is why this thread has been so educational - I have learnt sooo much from all you experienced old hands! Bev x

The Bag

The Bag Report 13 Dec 2005 19:48

is 27 p too much - didnt want to be seen to be a tight wad or anything - i'll have to take mine from the £1.04 housekeeping so consider yourself lucky to have a child whose piggy bank you can raid, May go out busking to raise mine..... Ikkle Gonkey Ikkle Gonkey On ver dusty woad Dot to teep on pwoding onwards wiv your pwesush woad wing out vose bells tonight BEFLEEEEHEM, BEFLEEEHEM Follow vat star to night BEFLEEEEEHEM,BEFLEEEHEM Ikkle gonkey Ikkle Gonkey Had a eavy Day Ikkle Gonkey cawwry Marweeee safely on her way Ikkcle Gonkey Caaawy Mareeeee Safely on her waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay They will pay me to shut up!

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 13 Dec 2005 19:55

Ah! Gifts! I had not thought of those, however I will just go and raid my Unwanted Gifts Cupboard - yes, here we are: All-purpose Face, Body and Foot Cream, wintergreen flavour, bearing a price tag of 2/6d + Purchase Tax. A defrost-it-quick tray thingy (it does not work) A pack of blue false fingernails.(No glue) A hand-knitted bobble hat - random stripes. Ditto gloves Ditto scarf Ditto legwarmers Ditto cardie (compulsive knitter Auntie) A garlic crusher (impossible to clean) A biscuit and cookie maker (need to be Popeye in order to squeeze dough out) A set of cast iron saucepans, weighing approx 14 tons, go rusty as soon as you put anything in them) A microwave popcorn maker (too big for any known make of Microwave) A set of Chef's knives, brought from Ali Baba in a street market. A liberty bodice. A cherry stoner. A pair of lisle stockings. And I'm sure Ive got some more, somewhere... Olde Crone

The Bag

The Bag Report 13 Dec 2005 20:07

can i bag the liberty bodice please, and the lisle stocking, go a treat with my balaclava. I've gathered together some bits too< -a pair of nice blue socks, well, i say a pair, they are both blue. -A packet of Dog biscuit - Bobbin turned her nose up so there are only one or two missing - sure wevils are non toxic to dogs. -A tin of Shortbread Petticoat tails- Im not a fan of petticoats myself and they hung below my hem, so as they have all fitted nicely back in the tin maybe someone would like those. -Some stationary,That smells of Mothballs although the labels says lavender -Some extra large 'superstay-dri pants, - a shoe box full of bath cubes


TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 13 Dec 2005 20:13

Pressies? Shall have to work on that one. I thought this party was to get us out of all the hard work and the hassle! However, if Olde Crone has a working CD player, I could bring my collection of CDs of carols - you know the ones that slide out of the newspapers as you accidentally brush past them on the shelves in Tesco. I can probably rustle up a few DVDs of black and white movies as well if I can disguise myself sufficiently to get back into Tesco again. Tina

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 13 Dec 2005 20:20

Ditto bath cubes ....... Roll of scented drawer liners.....(long since unscented toffees with some missing wrappers...... banana flavoured liquorice....... Slipper socks with the rubbery bits only slightly worn off the bottoms Merry

The Bag

The Bag Report 13 Dec 2005 20:42

Banana flavour Licquorice- bit od a contradiction isnt it? Jingle bells Merry smells Old Crones Run away On what fun it is to ski On the m6 motorway HEY Jingle bells Ring those bells The loons are on their way Heading down to old crones place They’ll never find the way Hey Got their grub Wont need the pub Old folks?- out the way Oh what fun we all will have On our cyber Christmas day Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Please keep the applause down or you’ll wake mother

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 13 Dec 2005 21:19

I didn't realise you are a tallented song writer, as well as everything else!!!! I am soooo excited I can hardly wait! What is our e.t.a. at Olde Crone's??? I wonder what time she awakens from her alcoholic slumbers? Hope she checks the sprout water a few times between now and C-day? They don't taste the same after the have boiled dry a dozen times. Merry

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 13 Dec 2005 22:22

Sorry, no bath cubes left, used them all up years ago, to clean that green stuff off the drive. BUT! I too have a shoebox - its full of miniature liqueurs, brought back (one by one) by my loony rellies as an excuse for a gift, to pay me for looking after their mangey cats/budgies/kids for a fortnight. Also, if I can make it into the loft (and back down again) a straw donkey wearing a sombrero. And a copy of 'How To Please Your Husband' (no, not that, its all about being fresh and dainty when HE gets home from a hard day at the Office and not bothering him with your trivial domestic problems like one of the kids going missing, or you broke your neck falling down the coal cellar steps). My MIL gave it to me, first C after I married her Little Emperor. I gave her a knife sharpener. Merry, I've checked the sprout water and topped it up with my 100% liquid chlorine that is coming from the kitchen tap. We may have to think again on the catering front - I know for a fact that my local homeless drop-in centre do a marvellous Xmas lunch (I cooked it, one year). If I serve you all with eviction notices shortly after you arrive, we should be ok. (Er - who was that who thought they might accidentally end up on the Channel Isles? Unless they have moved them again, they are not anywhere near Cornwall. Never mind, just look determined and knock on someone's door saying 'Its me! Aunty Betty! You invited me in September!' Having been conned this way myself many times, I can guarantee it will work.) Olde Crone

The Bag

The Bag Report 13 Dec 2005 22:27

Silly Isles Crone... Even we know the channel Islands are...... , erm , where are the channel Islands? Ah, in the channel! There , see, we are not as stupid as you think

Angela now in Wilts (not North Devon)

Angela now in Wilts (not North Devon) Report 13 Dec 2005 22:34

Do you lot realise how much ammunition you've provided for the C... Dinner survey? You almost make me regret that I'll be travelling the wrong way up the M5 for my celebrations with the grandchildren! I'll be thinking of you and raising a glass - Merry C...........! Angela


TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 13 Dec 2005 22:41

Look, I am coming down to the party to get away from all the jibes. Just because geography was not my strong point at school, I consider it unseemly of you to mock the afflicted. OK, so the Channel Islands are nowhere near Cornwall. Well, I have news for you. When you start off in Cheshire it is roughly the right direction! Besides which, no-one has devised a rudder for my balloon powered box yet, so you see, one false puff of wind and it could all go horribly wrong. Olde Crone, correct me if I am wrong (I have no doubts that you will do so) but doesn't chlorine in the water help to retain the nice fresh green look to the sprouts? Of course, there won't be a vitamin left amongst them, but boy, will they look good. I'm still working on the pressies. If I put a couple of shrivelled up stock cubes in an empty Pringles tube, would that be acceptable as a sort of do-it-yourself maraccas (spelling?). Tina (beginning to wonder if I might get fewer hassles and insults if I stayed at home!)

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 13 Dec 2005 22:50

Oh must, must, must, must, must, must, must, must, must, must, must, MUST come to our party......... we need the balloons for one thing!! Hope you don't pop them to facilitate your arrival??? Pringles maraccas sound wonderful. Also I have a bottle of green food colouring (marked 6d on the top) which will do wonders for the sprouts if the chlorine isn't up to the mark. Good job hubby is staying at home to cook the family dinner, as he and sprouts do not go together................................................................. Merry