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The letter he received... They've been!!

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Smiley Report 18 Aug 2005 16:54

Hi all Maureen has kindly brought to my attention the fact that a thread cannot exceed 20 pages. I have deleted some of my own replies and I think now all of you that added a post in the last day or two have now ''appeared'' :) I will start another thread and call it ''The letter my BIL received... # 2!!'' so anymore posts will need to be added to # 2 from now on. I have a little more info by the way, maybe another way around this. See the new thread. PLEASE DO NOT ADD ANY POSTS FROM NOW ON - THEY WILL NOT SHOW UP. SEE ''The letter my BIL received...# 2!!'' Don't leave me!!!! Join in on the new thread Sam xxx


Seasons Report 18 Aug 2005 15:44

I would definitely have a chat with the neighbours - you can glean a lot of info especially from the local busy body. Try the local paper shop too who might point you in the right direction to ask for info. I was thinking that if she was a recluse at her age then perhaps she might have a weight problem/metabolic perhaps which affects her ability to get around. It may also be a reason she doesn't want to see BIL as she's let herself go or isn't liking how she looks. Also fear of what he might think of her is another possibility. He's seen the outside of the house which may give an idea of what the insides like but now he's made the first step and been there - the second time shouldn't be as daunting - though he should give himself plenty of time - even an overnight stop if he can. When I met up with my bm I was there 6 hours!!!!! and we are still in touch despite her previous insistence (until we met) on having no contact with any of her children.


Ann Report 18 Aug 2005 13:02

Sam Now this thread has reached page 20!! Does this mean that we will lose it from the boards? I hope not, as like lots more folks, I have been following BILs story since the first message. I really can't understand why age concern can't investigate. Someone somewhere must be able to check that there is nothing sinister going on. I think I would have peered in at the window, or tried the door ! Maybe that's a woman thing! Fools rush in + all that eh! Anyway, just letting you know that I am still following his progress + keeping my fingers crossed for something positive to happen. Take care Ann


Amanda, Report 17 Aug 2005 20:18

Hi Sammy, The adoption info is confidential, I just thought that if you knew her adopted name and year she was adopted then you would be able to find her DOB from an adopted cert from the FRC adoption register, hope it makes sense. Love Jess's idea of meals on wheels, no one would ever know who had made the mistake and is responsible for it. Hope BIL's Grandad is doing ok. Best wishes Amanda x


Maureen Report 17 Aug 2005 13:48

Hi Sammy you may recall i wrote some time back telling you about a 'carer' that my mother-in-law had. Further to this, MIL has been living with brother as she cant cope on her own. My husband got a phone call on Sunday from his Uncle to say a 'nurse' had called at the house to say MIL had a very serious illness. Things didnt tally, why a nurse? why on a Sunday. I have just telephoned MIL doctor and asked if my husband can go and speak to him, and he has made a appointment to see him this Friday. So to assume that Drs wont speak to patients rellies is obviously not always the case. I have said this before, and i would still go this way, if the member of GR is still 'watching' that spoke to the neighbour, why don't you get that phone number and speak to them yourself, try to find out what Dr she is likely to have, and go from there. It would also be interesting to know when the 'accident' happened, was it a car crash for instance? And then see if you can find out anything from the local press. If your BIL trying to get in touch has 'put her back' (words of carer?') doesnt sound like it was all that long ago if she is still on the road to recovery. What does a 'recluse' mean to the neighbour, that she hasnt seen this poor woman up and down the road lately, maybe if she has got that bad injuries to her legs then she cant get out, but surely a 'carer' would take her out in a wheel-chair and doesnt the poor dog ever get a walk? I live in a village, and i know you cant do anything without most others hearing about it, are there any local shops that your BIL could go in, or a pub, there is always a village gossip somewhere, it would surely help him to understand which way to go if he really knew the extent of what his Mums illness is. Another way to find out if it was a car accident is maybe the local Police, if you get a sympathetic copper maybe he would even call round if your BIL played on the fact of wondering if his Mum was being refused a visit by her Son by a 'bogus' carer!! How is his grandad by the way? Thinking about you all, maureen


Geraldine Report 17 Aug 2005 06:41

Hi Sam I work as a nurse in aged care. When I first started nursing my older but wiser nursing collegue told me that there is no such thing as a 'sweet old lady' and I'm beginning think she is right LoL. Cheers Geri


Smiley Report 17 Aug 2005 00:18

Hi again, and thank you all for your good wishes. Christine, I just checked back to my first post, it does say there that his mum is 56/57yrs old, just hope no one else thinks he could be potentially harrassing a sweet old lady :) Thanks for your thoughts, all being passed on to my BIL Sam


Christine Report 16 Aug 2005 03:55

Hi Sammy, Like just about everyone else,I have followed this thread from the beginning and wish your BiL all the very best and hope for nothing less than a positive conclusion to his mission but, something is now niggling at my brain. I have always assumed that his mother was very elderly. Because of the carers etc., but your recent posting says that his mother was 20 when she married in 1968. The woman is only 57 (ish). Hardly elderly these days. She's only 11 years older than me, and I have a 5 year old son. Sammy, he has got to carry this through. My gut tells me something's not quite right. Unless she has some sort of mental illness, she should be capable of telling him personally that she doesn't want to know. I know many members have given avenue's to take to try and make contact. I think he should try every one of them. Something doesn't feel right. I can't believe a woman of that age is not capable of making up her own mind, unless there is something wrong with her mind. My VERY BEST wishes to you're Brother in Law for a HAPPY conclusion. With Best Wishes, Christine.


Maureen Report 16 Aug 2005 00:17

Gerry now that you have written to Sammy, if you go to the tips board and click on 'view your threads only' it will take you to the email you sent to her, then click on 'all replies' and you will see the whole thread. The only problem i have is remembering what number the last page was!!


Geraldine Report 15 Aug 2005 00:50

Hi Sam worra long thread... I do hope your bil actually gets to meet his mother. If and when he does he may decide to step back a bit (or a lot) if his reunion is not what he'd hoped for. As the law stands at the moment it's perfectly legal to purchase another persons adoption certificate. Follow the adoption prompts on the Gro website and you can download the pdf file and print it. However, to apply for one does require at least the volume no and entry no, so a trip to the FRC in London to view the index of the Adopted Children Register would be needed for that. And it's all sounding very hard to go down that route... don't you think?. I would do as suggested and that's to ring around the local Dr's surgerys and ask them to confirm if Mrs X is registered with them but omitting the birth date (not everybody remembers everybodies birthdays espeically blokes ;-) try and get the receptionist on side, also saying he is 'next of kin' (he is whether mother likes it or not) The surgery may be well aware of her case and think she is a 'lost soul in the wilderness' with no family (staff do talk amongst themselves) If bil can't speak to the Dr then ask the Dr to ring your bil back... hopefully he will get some infomation on his mother's health and circumstances. with a bit of luck he may well intervene with S/S. This is about the silliest state of affairs I have come across in a long time and talk about the authorities going around in circles. When the mother dies they will all be breaking their necks to notify him. Good Luck and I wish him well. PS I can't always find this thread as it's not always in 'tips' any tips where I can find it? Cheers Gerry


Smiley Report 14 Aug 2005 23:21

Hi all, still here, just been away for the weekend. I see what you're saying Jess :) Hi Amanda, I was sure an adoption certificate could not be bought/requested like all the other BMD certs, I thought they were confidential, her birth name is not known so I am sure there is no way round this especially as her birth date is not known either Sam

The Bag

The Bag Report 14 Aug 2005 16:44

Sammy - When i said try the door I meant...well, i deliver meals on wheel s , not daily now , but still as a relief driver. I would have said it was more common place than not for the elderly to leave the door off the latch when there are people Carers and alike in and out during the day. The rule of thumb is kind of ring the bell/know and try the door and then ''co-eee''( or call out a name) before entering . Pobably, having said all that , she's got one of the numerical key safe thingies! Jess x


WhackyJackieInOz Report 14 Aug 2005 16:21

Hi Sammy I hope you don't mind but I nudged this thread didn't want to lose it as we are all still hoping your BIL gets to see his Mum. Please keep us informed Regards Jackie


Amanda, Report 9 Aug 2005 18:13

Hi Sammy, Don't give up on Bev's idea, I must have missed something as I didn't realise that his Mum was adopted, your thread is too long to read back now, BUT just because she was adopted it doesn't mean you can't get her adoption cert for her DOB. I did it last year for a GR member at the FRC in the normal way as ordering a birth. but you use a different form for adoption certs from the Adopted Childen's Register. I think you can do this on the phone with them, but if not you need a kind soul to lookup her adoption details in the register at the FRC. I don't think we are giving up yet, we are still with you!! Best wishes Amanda x


Smiley Report 9 Aug 2005 17:30

Try the door handle Jess?? He's a law-abiding citizen you know ;) I know he doesn't want to scare her, and she (or any carer who may have been in the house but told not to answer the door) could have called the police, I expect she's got one of those pull-cord thingies in the event of any problems healthwise, so I don't think it would have even crossed his mind to do that. Again though, that's us women isn't it!! We'd be in there....LOL! I would have peered through the window too, he is still wanting to tread so gently, let her know he means no harm, no hard feeling etc... I still have a really strong feeling that this woman is mentally unstable, the time will have to come when BIL just goes for it, no holds barred otherwise he's not going to get anywhere. Sam

The Bag

The Bag Report 9 Aug 2005 15:37

I dont suppose he tried the doorhandle -did he? So many of the housbound (recluse or not ) leave the door open quite simply because they cannot get to the door if anyone knocks. Oh if we could re-wind time and have him there on the doorstep and shot out instructions! shout thru the window... try the door... ask the neighbour.... I do feel for him Jess


Laurie Report 9 Aug 2005 15:10

Oh Sammy, I can't help but feel for tha poor woman - adopted, bad marriage, having to leave baby behind imagine the feelings of rejection she must have endured - not to mention the damage to self esteem. Now - when she is at her worst, when the package is wearing out, and she is not in control of so much of her life, her baby comes back on the scene and because of how her life is she could fear rejection again. Its a scenario that could lead to so many different mixtures of feelings (real & imagined) and emotions. As I see it . . the worse case senario for BIL is that mum doesn't want to see him - but he has to hear it direct from her, and she has to hear from him that he want his mum and a grandmother for his child. If they never do have a relationship - he still has to make sure that she knows he wanted one. If you look for worst possible - anything else has to be better. I do so hope he doesn't give up on her - in the meantime a good thing for him to do would be to get together a scrap book of his life, photos through the ages, school reports, sports stuff, career moves etc to have it for her. Wheres my magic wand when I need it . . . . Gawd, just read what I've written - what was that psychology 101 - Ah well here goes the send button, cheers Laurie


Smiley Report 9 Aug 2005 10:00

Thank you all again for you replies, I didn't realise I've had most of you on the edge of your seats for weeks :) Bev... Thank you for your idea re the GP, the date of birth would catch my BIL out though, we have not been able to find that out as she was adopted. We have his parents marriage cert, it says his mother was 20yrs of age in Nov 1968 when she married. It gave her fathers name, but obviously that was her adoptive father. So many questions are unanswered. Ann... my BIL plagued the hell out of Social Services in the early days, they would not move an inch, the simply would not tell him anything, their hands were tied. This was the case at both Gloucester & Aberystwyth. Who knows, they may well ahve contacted his mum and were told directly from her that she wanted no contact and no info to be given to him. Amanda.. I must admit, when BIL told me what he has asked the neighbour I thought, 'why didn't you ask who does her shopping etc..' but that's a woman's thought process isn't it? But you're right, someone must, and gt her money, cut the grass, walk the dog but I know that may not happen. Sam


Amanda, Report 8 Aug 2005 21:09

Hi Sammy, So sorry to hear BIL didn't get to see his Mum. My Mum is housebound, so the neighbours would probably call her as living as a recluse, shame is she has no choice but she does have care twice a day, but they are only there for a short while each time, at the most 45 mins, it's arranged through SS,but it is a private company that carry out the work. I really would like to know is who on earth does her shopping if she can't ?? Someone must? Best wishes Amanda x


Bev Report 8 Aug 2005 18:28

i have been glued to this thread for 3 days, and am soo disappointed that your bil didn't get to see his mum. may i make a suggestion, this has been mentioned before. but i think you should persue the GP route. find out all the GP's in her area, bearing in mind they don't have big catchment areas, phone each one, explain to the receptionist, who bil is & that you understand about patient confidentiality, but if MRS ........IS a patient at that surgery could her GP please phone. i often have to ring around different GPs in the locality of a patients address, simply because the only GP they remember retired 20yrs ago, or the surgery they attended no longer exists. actually i have been surprised at the no. of receptionist who do tell me that the patient is indeed registered there. best way is to say (and i never told you this lol) 'hello i'm calling about a patient of yours....a Mrs .......' you will probably get asked the address or date of birth then hopefully they will check the computor and either deny or confirm she is registered there it might just work best of luck in whatever step your BIL takes Bev