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The letter he received... They've been!!

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Gwyn in Kent

Gwyn in Kent Report 25 May 2005 11:11

My aunt's neighbours were told all manner of lies about our family by the persons 'befriending' my aunt previously mentioned. I would hestitate to advise contacting neighbours. I think if you want an indirect approach, one of the medical team or social workers would be more impartial.


Katrina Report 25 May 2005 11:26

I was in a similar situation but I would not take no for an answer and turned up at the door step only to find out that the situation was completely different than the one well meaning relations had told me. I was thankful I had taken the bull by the horns so to speak and at least found my mother, even though we are no longer in contact at least I know the full story and out of all this came my discovery of brothers and a wonderful new sister and all this at my age of 50. My advise, nothing ventured, nothing gained. All the best, Katrina Australia


CelticShiv Report 25 May 2005 11:55

I have been researching my grandfathers family for the last couple of years. He was put into care when he was 2 years old. Sadly he died in 1977 and although he knew of a brother and sister he never was successful in tracing them, nor his parents. So I started looking over 2 years ago now and late last year I managed to trace his first cousin. I wrote a letter and sent it. A few weeks later they wrote back confirming he did indeed have a brother and sister. His sister sadly passed away in 2000. They was left in a big predicament. Mainly because his brother is now 83 years old. But all these years he has grown up thinking he is someone he is not. He was adopted by his mothers second husband. Even though he has been ill, they decided he had the right to know. As you can imagine it came as quite a shock to him, to find out he has lived all those years thinking his father was the man he brought him up, in theory he was, but this man was not his Biological father and then also to learn he had a brother who was put into care and he never got to know him. The even harder bit is that my grandfather was actually a twin, but the twin died 15 days old. He has now contacted the adoption agencies to see his papers, as like my grandfather he now wants to try and find out who his REAL father was, and believe me he is difficult to find. I spent nearly an hour speaking to him on the phone and I do feel slightly guilty about bringing all this to light. But it was his close family who decided he should be told, i never forced the information upon him. His close family knew him best and knew how it should be dealt with. I now am in contact with a family a never knew existed and I did it for my grandfather as it was something he so wanted to know about before he passed away. We are slowly getting to know each other and there are many questions we all have which we know can never be answered. All I can say is be very careful. Although he may desperately want to see his mother. She may be at a stage in her life where she doesn't want this heartache. Especially if she is ill. Do you know if she has any close family you can contact instead. Perhaps then if it is her carer sending this letter, at least her close family will know more how to deal with this matter. Sorry I cannot be much more help. I wish you the best of luck. Regards, Siobhan


Sue Report 25 May 2005 12:22

Sammy, Have just read this thread, am I correct in saying that your BIL's Father is still alive and that he and his Mother are still married (no divorce?). In this case his Father and your BIL are next of kin and you have every legal right to find out what is going on with Social Services, etc etc. If your BIL's father was divorced this then makes BIL next of kin and no-one but no-one can supercede that. You did say in the thread there were no further children. Your BIL has legal rights over any brothers and sisters and parents that the Mother may have. I know that he is not interested in gaining anything other than a relationship with his Mother but please be aware that he is entitled to make decisions on her behalf legal and otherwise. Sue


Smiley Report 25 May 2005 13:50

Hello again Sue you are correct, there has been no divorce, I was wondering if that then makes BIL's dad next of kin, over & above BIL, I hope not because he has no interest in her whereabouts or wellbeing. The marital breakdown was due to infidelity on her part, he threw her out, and took BIL to his parents & BIL's G-parents have had him ever since. BIL has seen his father on & off over the years, they only live 3 miles apart, but there is no real father/son relationship there, the father quickly entered into another relationship and the new woman did not want BIL to be any part of their lives, and BIL's father went along with that. So effectively BIL has been brought up without a mother or a father. BIL has tried asking about his mum over the years but has been met with silence all round. So, without wishing to upset anyone here, he has done all this very discreetly, G-parents & father are all unaware of any attempt to contact his mum. I think this is why I am more involved, he only talks to my sister (his partner) & myself. There is no one to act as intermediary, I'm waiting to find out how his 'phone call to SS went today. Sam

The Bag

The Bag Report 25 May 2005 13:56

We are ALL waiting to find out how his call to SS went today!! jess x


Ann Report 25 May 2005 14:28

Yes, Sam WE ARE all waiting to hear how it went! + keeping our fingers/toes crossed for him. Ann x


Smiley Report 25 May 2005 14:40

My sister just rang, BIL has telephoned SS in his mothers area, he explained the whole situation and read the letter out to the woman over the 'phone. BIL says they seemed a little 'short' with him, he said that he wants to know what type of care she is receiving & what illness she has, he said he is very worried especially because of the tone of the letter. He then said, ''I am her son and I have got a legal right to this information'', they then said ''would you take legal action?'' and he said yes. They said they would look into it and ring him back, he has decided to give them 48hrs and ring again on Friday if he doesn't hear from them, especially as it's a bank holiday weekend and it will be Tuesday before he can ring again. Finger's crossed that they take this seriously and move quickly, he emphasised the fact that it sounds as though his mother is dying and he has no idea how long she has left. Jess, I have passed on all these messages but have just reminded my sister of what you said earlier..... ''They should be able to tell him more about her and her case, and if her care is sub-contracted out to an agency they should know who'' Thank you all so much, your help & support is amazing!!! Sam


Ann Report 25 May 2005 14:50

What is it with these people.has dealing with the public made them all cynical!!.............They will only act if they are threatened with legal action!! Good for BIL..........he needs to stand his ground and insist on action. Sounds like he will, now he has taken the first step. Thanks for letting us know, Sam.........

The Bag

The Bag Report 25 May 2005 14:56

Good, at least he has made the call. I used to work in the health and social care dept of my local CC - When i say sub-contracted out i mean - if say she is in a financially secure position she may have to pay privately for the care she recieves - the CC should still be able to tell him who provides it because they may /may not do it themselves- heaven knows what their policies are!! just tell him this- he'll probably get better results if he stays calm and objective - make out he is on THEIR side, not fighting against them - angry/irate/ upset rellies do get left to one side because no-one ever wants to be the one to ring them - believe me!! Jess


Ann Report 25 May 2005 15:04

Good advice Jess.............When I read my message again it does look like I meant get angry with them. I didnt actually mean that! I meant be positive + firm. I have been on the receiving end of angry phone calls etc + you are right it doesnt work.


Jelly Report 25 May 2005 16:29

Bearing in my mind I don't know what i'm talking about... :) Although your BIL wasn't adopted through an agency it might be worth contacting an adoptees support agency. They should be able to advise him of mediation services available to those wishing to contact long-lost parents. Also - I certainly would not recommend turning up on her doorstep. She may be genuinely ill and a huge shock like that may polish her off. Supposing she has had a heart attack or stroke etc.... Social services may have nothing to do with her 'carers' - they may be paid for privately or may even just be home helps. My mother, who lived with me, had someone who was really a cleaner/ 'someone to talk to' and she liked to refer to herself as a carer. Julie


Heather Report 25 May 2005 16:46

Yes, Sam maybe youre all right (and Im wrong!) and it is a 'carer' as she says she is one of two (which is a bit detailed if you are just trying to put someone off). Its just I received a similar letter years ago apparently from the carer of girlfriend one of my sons had dumped, but not telling him to keep away but to 'make her happy for her last few months'. So I guess thats why I am so cynical! Do let us know how he gets on. Poor bloke must be dizzy with all the thoughts going thru his head.


Tina Report 25 May 2005 19:17

Hi Smiley If it was me in the same position then i would definetly go and see her and in veiw of what he has been told of her health the sooner the better. if he doesnt and she does pass away he will always be left wondering what if, but if he goes at least he will know one way or another, when i read the letter he had recieved i was very supprised at its tone , i dont think that it was his Mother who wrote it, but i am very suspicious of the person who did, i would go and see her straight away. leave it and it could be to late. Tina

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 25 May 2005 19:25

Reading all the replies, I just wonder how pleased she might be, to know that someone (even if it is her own son) has been asking the neighbours about her - it is extremely unlikely that the neighbours would know anything of this part of her life and she might wrongly suppose that now 'they all know'. I can understand that what is meant here is a gentle enquiry as to how she is and what is wrong with her and who is looking after her - but sooner or later the neighbour is going to say 'And what's it got to do with you?' I very much hope the Social Worker does her stuff and quickly. Best wishes Marjorie

Janet 693215

Janet 693215 Report 25 May 2005 20:28

Firstly I must say I really hope your BIL gets his wish for some form of reconcilliation with his Mother. I realise that the letter received from the 'carer' appears to be tactless in the extreme but I wonder if she has taken his original correspondence in the wrong context. I realise that your BIL just wants to make his peace with his Mother, but could it be that the 'carer' has had bad experiences with relatives jumping out of the woodwork at the slightest whiff of a possible inheritance. When my Father died his four sisters and brother all turned up for the funeral. It wasn't out of respect, it was out of curiosity and to see if there was anything in it for them. One of his sisters was so close, I doubt she would even have recognised my Father. (She hadn't seen him in 28 years) My Mothers family are no better either. My Grandmother received a letter once from her daughter (who had not spoken or written to her in 20 years) In the letter, my Aunt said that her husband was in prison and if my Grandmother didn't send her £20, she would kill herself (This was the early 70's) My Gran tormented herself over the letter but was finally persuaded not to send the money. My Grandmother never heard from her daughter again. In 1985, a year after my Gran had died, my uncle received a solicitors letter from my aunt demanding any renumeration from my Grans will. A copy of the will was duly sent and that was the last we heard of her. I don't even know if she is still alive. Best wishes to your BIL and sister.


Smiley Report 25 May 2005 21:06

Hi again everyone. Marjorie, I think you are right, BIL has no intention of ringing any neighbours, I too would be horrified to think I was being ''discussed'' But there has been another setback... Social Services in Aberystwyth have already rung back, they left a message on BIL's mobile, ''We have looked into this matter, we canot discuss anything with you due to patient confidentiality'' Now what???? I think they must have telephoned his mother, why not say in the first call that they would not be able to reveal anything? I've told him to ring Citizen's Advice, I don't know what else to suggest. Sam :(


Seasons Report 25 May 2005 21:24

The problem with Social Services is that if your BIL's mother says she doesn't want him to know anything about her then they won't tell him anything (data protection, human rights and confidentiality). We had this when a woman tried to find her mother (mother had left the family many years before) - Social Services refused to reveal where the mother lived even though her parents were married and never divorced. All they would say was that she was well and didn't want contact. So I'm not overly optomistic with your response from them especially if there's talk of litigation.!! However I've contacted previous neighbours of the people I was looking for in the past and they have been extremely helpful - although I did mention that the neighbour I'm asking about possibly isn't the person I was looking for. So many people with the same name. Have a long list from the electors roll to check through?!!! Using this ploy and that you couldn't find the telephone number of the neighbour or no reply might weedle out some information which is valuable ie that she's been in hospital or isn't very well and who else lives in the house or a relative that you might be able to speak to. It's possible though that the 'carer' is a neighbour!!! However if your BIL does go to the house it might perhaps be wise to take your sister and perhaps your sister goes to the door first to break the ice and re-assure her of your intentions. I really do hope it all works out.


KarenInScotland Report 25 May 2005 21:57

Sammy Sorry to read that your BIL is not much futher forward, its such a hard situation to handle. Perhpaps SS work differently in different areas, I mentioned them to you because they have talked to us about my Nana and actually deal more with her neighbours (who also keep in contact with my mum). They were willing to talk to the neighbours and us because my Nana didn't have anyone else and was unable to make sensible decisions about her care, she's not loopy just was ill and run down and was taken to hospital. She's back home now but we still have contact with SS. I hope I don't sound callous, but have you thought of looking at it another way. For example the mum is apparently so ill that the original letter 'set her back' but she's well enough to give clear instructions that her 'carers' & SS believe to be informed and valid. The fact that they won't talk to your BIL tells me that she is probably quite able to look after herself and that they don't feel they need the family intervention. I know your BIL doesn't want to cause her any harm or make her illness worse but he must consider that he does have a right to try see her, as her son. She can refuse to see him or say what she likes but she should say it herself, not through an intermediary, she owes him that much. In other words get a bit angry. I'm not trying to wind things up, just that whilst its obviously good to be concerned for his mum's health, he also needs to think about himself and what he needs. Karen


Unknown Report 25 May 2005 22:15

Hi Sammy, That is the expected out come ,,because his name has never croped up in their dealings with the ''mother' or that his is not down as a family member or one of a next of kin, ,if he told them what his relationship is to her,,he may have got information as to her well being,and did they think she was in good enough health to see him .they wouldnt have given any details about her but may be said that in their opinion !!!such and such!! Kay. Smiley does your BIL know if there are any more children to her???