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The letter he received... They've been!!

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Alison Report 7 Jun 2005 11:17

nudge to keep on first page


Smiley Report 7 Jun 2005 11:24

Thank you all I wish I could update with something positive, but nothing's happening at the moment :( I emailed my BIL and told him to try again with the signature request, but it may be one of the carers anyway. I raised my eyebrows when the carers surname was JONES! But it is Wales, and it's a very commmon name for those parts. It really is not worth contacting SS again, BIL is just going over old ground and being told repeatedly they cannot reveal anything due to client confidentiality. I am assuming they have contacted his mother and she has told them not to speak to him, otherwise I'm sure they would have arranged a meeting whereby he could prove his relationship with her. They still have not replied to the email asking if he can be notified in the event of her death. He is pinning a lot on her replying to his second letter, even if it's only an explanation to say why she does not want any contact, like others have said, she owes him that much at least. Sam (trying to be positive)


ChaCha Report 7 Jun 2005 11:47

Sam, Your BIL is lucky to have you remaining so positive for him... maybe he will come to realise that he has relatives (like you) who, in the greater scheme of things, are a lot more important to his well-being than his mother. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that the news he eventually recieves will be what he wants to hear... In the meantime... I personally think you are an amazing relative for him to have. Keep your chin up!


Geraldine Report 7 Jun 2005 11:51

Hi Sam This just a thought. If BIL doesn't recieve a reply from his second letter to his mother I'd throw the ball in S/S court and get him to rewrite it and send it to Social Services asking them to make sure she actually gets it. I'd also insist on a personal and written reply from her (even if the Social worker has to write it for her). I believe who ever is in charge of her case file has a 'Duty of Care' (sorry to use that old chestnut) towards her son... after all when she 'pegs it' they could very well come screaming round BIL's house for him to foot the bill for the funeral... then it'll be too late and they will start covering their arses. Document everything. Hope it works out for him. Cheers Gerry


Heather Report 7 Jun 2005 12:37

Hi there, still following this and hoping BIL has a solution - either way at some point - its the 'not knowing' that is the hardest part. If he just met her that may be enough for him. It all sounds dodgey doesnt it. I wonder if the carers are unofficial. Good luck to him and yes, I think may be men are more restrained in these sort of circumstances. Certainly I would have been on undercover observation duties by now.

Christine in Yorkshire

Christine in Yorkshire Report 7 Jun 2005 15:11

Hi Sammy, been following the thread. I do hope your BIL gets a happy outcome. Thoughts are with you Christine


Ann Report 7 Jun 2005 18:11

Hi Sam I am glad you are still positive....tis the only way at this stage. I just wondered , did BIL do any more regarding the Salvation Army? You would think SS would at least investigate to make sure all is as it should be regarding BILs mothers care!! Like many others I am following this thread + just hoping + praying all goes well for you all. Take care Ann xx


Alison Report 8 Jun 2005 08:04

Hi Sam Keep nudging this to keep it on the front page, i hope BIL persists with his mother. Best of luck. Keep us informed we are all rooting for him. Ali


Unknown Report 8 Jun 2005 10:45

Wishin BIL all the best. Stay positive and never give up Love Jules xx

Linda G

Linda G Report 8 Jun 2005 10:54

I have been following this story since the beginning. I am off on holiday in the morning for 2 weeks. By the time I get back I hope you have had some answers and that they are the ones you want. Linda xx

The Ego

The Ego Report 8 Jun 2005 11:06

Hello Smiley Sammy (what a happy name !) Ive just joined Genes Reunited and still finding my way,but couldnt help myself,and read through this story.Your B-I-L must be going through hell, not knowing what the truth is. I dont think anyone would give confidential information over the phone because the social services dont know who he is,he could be anyone I guess. With regards to there being no phone ,could you just make one up ,so that the process of sending the mail is possible,making sure that a relevant code is used . I'm sure there is a section somewhere,whereby you can leave instructions,like leave with a neighbour etc.-would it be an idea if he left an instruction that the recipient finds it difficult to get about and probably has a walking stick.This would ,I think,allow the postman to separate a carer from his mother. Just a thought,good luck. Pam H


Smiley Report 8 Jun 2005 11:33

Hi everyone :) BIL hasn't done anything regarding the SA as yet, he is hoping that her wooden heart will melt (albeit slooooowly) after reading his 2nd letter. He's reluctant to involve a 3rd party, but I'm sure he will if necessary. Linda, have a great holiday ;) Pamela, thank you for your thoughts, good idea about the letter. I think someone has suggested that my BIL does another copy & sends it to his mother via SS, asking that they make sure it is actually given to her. BIL asked if they would do this, all they said was 'we will try' so not much point really. He will be none the wiser as they will not even confiem that his mother is one of their clients/patients. I'm getting to the point where I need to talk him into to going to see her. I think with a bit of female persuasion from me & my sister, gee him up a bit & all that... What do you think? Another thought....another sister & myself are going to Snowdonia next month for the weekend, we will be within 80 miles of BIL's mother. We have already talked about the possibility of going there, but dismissed it as it wouldn't really help for US to go and knock on the door, but we could take some flowers and make sure they are actually handed to Mrs H*****


Denise Report 8 Jun 2005 12:04

Hi Sammy, I have also quietly watched this thread from the start,and I think the flower idea is excellent, do you mean pretend to be a delivery lady or say who you are? I really hope your bil gets something soon, as the wait must be agonising. I always think these things are a lot harder for blokes to do and his come this far so lets hope there is a happy ending for him. Me and my husband have both been through horrid things in our childhood,but my husbands was far worse in some ways.It just makes me so angry that adults can treat children in such a way that in most cases messes up there life at some stage. I say to my father-in-law even now 'but you were the adult in all this' there is no excuse.If bil's dad didn't want anything to do with her then thats fine,but what right does a father have to take that away from a child, and then not take him on himself. Sorry if I have spoke out of turn just ask me to delete this there will be no hard feelings (honest) but having suffered with depression and breakdowns most of my life, I wish parents would realise that children are human beings not weapons to be picked up and dropped when thay feel like it. I am only just seeing a light at the end of my tunnel and I am now 38,but through all my problems I had one thing my Mum and I still have her.Unlike my husband who had nowhere to turn because of selfish adults. I would love to see a happy ending for your bil so I will carry on thinking about him every day.You are a great support Sammy and obviously a caring person just the support he needs. Denise.


Geraldine Report 8 Jun 2005 12:49

Hi Sam I'm still thinking about your BIL... hope he is bearing up with the pressure of the wait. This is another tack. Has BIL considered contacting Social Services in his own area? explaining to them how concerned he is for his mothers welfare and situation. They might contact S/S in Wales for him and between the 2 proffessionals might be able to come up with a solution. Also, I find it difficult to believe that given the mothers frail condition (she must be if a letter set her back and she has 2 carers) that she doesn't have a phone for medical emergancies... though it could be unlisted. Just my thoughts. Best wishes to BIL. Cheers Gerry


Ann Report 8 Jun 2005 16:05

As Geraldine says, it is strange, (given BILs mothers' alledgedly ill health) that there is no phone. I hadn't thought of that before. I think the idea of going to *have a look*, flowers etc is a good idea. The bottom line is He doesn't really know if these *carers* are genuine.... and if someone pays a visit then at least he will know. Ann xx


Amanda, Report 8 Jun 2005 19:14

Hi Sammy, Still thinking of you and your BIL. I wouldn't worry too much if there is no phone, she probably has a care alarm installed, which is controlled by a unit which you press a button on, and wear another one around your neck in case you can't reach the control unit, but are taken poorly suddenly, it's an instant response to a call centre and if they can't hear you they will call the emergency services and the key holders. I would doubt that his mother has 2 carers full time, one on each shift so to speak, so there must be times she is alone, unless she is very rich and pays privately. It costs a fortune for care, if she was terminal and had no family to care for her would she not be in a hospice? A visit to the house could be useful, if there is a box on the outside, a bit like a safe or entry system, that's how the carer's gain access, but only with a code, or maybe there are other family at home to let them in? Have you got the electoral role for the address concerned? Just sending idea's to try to help. Best wishes Amanda x


Sheila Report 10 Jun 2005 18:09

Hi Sammy, I think the letter in its self has not solved the hidden problem whether the wishes expressed by the carer really come from his mother. No matter what you do to check out the letter you are not going to be 100% sure if she has seen it, if you have it signed for then it only proves that someone has taken possesion of it at that adress maybe a carer if you give it to SS and the carers work for them, maybe it will be passed on to them to give to BIL mother, even if you ask for it to be given to her directly you cannot be sure it will. Next problem if he receives another letter from carer then its back to square one, are these really his mothers wishes. It may be possible that for whatever reason, she really does not wish to have contact with BIL, then the only way he will know for sure is to have it from her direct. Either he can make contact himself, or ask a family friend or relative to go around and make contact. Does the neighbour know if she has any other neighbours that she is close to? that could at least tell her, he would like to see her, and if she decides she wants no more contact after that then so be it. If not then he has decide now if he is prepared to go and see her and put this matter to rest one way or another. Wishing him luck though. Best Wishes Sheila


Ann Report 10 Jun 2005 21:35

I was wondering: Could a letter be actually sent to the neighbour (or, perhaps,even the Vicar) to DELIVER PERSONALLY to BILs mother ? Annxx


cazzabella Report 10 Jun 2005 22:14

Hi Sammy, I posted a reply to you earler in this thread and just catching up on the latest news. I'm just so sorry that things haven't been happening for the poor man. One more thing puzzles me. The neighbour doesn't think the mother is on the phone, and yet she apparently lives alone, can't walk far and needs two carers?! Does that seem strange to anyone else....or is it just me? I would have thought it totally necessary for someone in her situation to have a phone...........unless she has a mobile of course. Best wishes, Carole


Michelle Report 11 Jun 2005 20:02

dear smiley sammy i hope his mothers heart does soften i have been tryin to find my father which i did and found out i have 2 sisters and a brother and a grandmother but he has turned round and said he doesn,t want to tell his family about so wants nothing to do with me and my kids so i hope his mother does a quick turn round on her decision and tell him i,m thinking about him as i know how much it hurts after getting the rejection so i hope he get what he wants hun shelley xxxxx