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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees *PART TWO*

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Unknown

Unknown Report 28 Mar 2005 15:53

Hi Julia, Welcome to the madhouse! We are all a little mad on here! Nothing is as easy as it seems especially to our partners. They do try to sympathise with us but can not comprehend what we are going thru. Unless you've been there you can never understand how this can take over your life. This is doubly true when you are searching for answers and birth relatives. It is normal to be focussed on your search. We have all been there, some of us are still doing that now. Some may never stop. There are no hard and fast rules. It's a learning process for us all. It is your journey on which you must travel and sometimes as much as you'd like to stop you just can't! There will be times of joy and times of sadness and times when you think you're going round the twist. All are normal. If you ever need someone to talk to we are here. Just give us a yell. I too have found both my birth parents are no longer alive but I have been blessed that other relatives still want to know. I am still on finding Dad's side and am experiencing moments of doubts but that is par for the course i'm afraid. Sometimes things can give you the impression things are really bad and then just around the corner somethings turs up unexpected. Never give up hope. Don't forget that you are very special and if someone doesn't want to know you then that is their loss not yours. Don't think that you are alone in the world. You're not. You are now part of our family. So as you can see, you have gained an extended family already. any you know get in touch with is a bonus. Stay strong and stay positive. lots of love Jules x

Sheila

Sheila Report 28 Mar 2005 15:56

Hi Lou, Just got back of my holidays and seen your e-mail, I am so very pleased for you that your birth mother has been in touch! its also brilliant to know that your siblings know about you :O) Keep us informed on how things progress. Jules, I am also really pleased for you that although your father has passed away you have found his family, but like Jessbow I would like to urge a little bit of caution, I am so sorry you have issues with your adoptive parents, but you also have to be aware that even with your new found family there could be problems ( I truly hope not, but people are people and every family has their problems, the trick is to be able to love them warts and al,. just give yourself some time to adjust, before you make any major descions and Hopefully you will find all you wish for !! :O)) Julie, You may not have found your birth mother and brother yet, but it may just take time there are not many people who just disappear, they are out there somewhere, it may just take longer to find them :O) Has Joan not found a marriage for her? have you entered their details in your tree on here? also have you put a message on the TTF board? Chin up most of us on here will try to help you if we can. Best Wishes to all Sheila

Julia

Julia Report 28 Mar 2005 16:11

thanks Jules and Shelia for your kind words, yes i have put info on the trying to find board, i need to redo it as it has come of now. All my family were adopted, my sister has traced her b/m through Norcap and is very supportive, but i cant afford them. I won't give up ,and its grat to talk to someone who's been there! Juliax

The Bag

The Bag Report 28 Mar 2005 16:16

........and my two pennyworth for Julia, for what it is worth- My first husband never really understood me, and that was more than just the adopted me. My current partner is quite happy with what i have done on my adoption front and has supported BUT in the most part it has turned out well, and I was on the way to doing it when we met. Don't let your seach for what was 'overtake' what you have now though, especially if you and your husband have supportive families - Unless you have been there ,no, you can't understand. Involve him and talk to hm about your feeling too - and send him on here - maybe we can fulfill the bit that he can't for you.Welcome to the gang! Jess x situation now: found B/M 13 years ago, met - ...and ....nowt! found B/F death late last year - in touch with 6 x 1/2 siblings one way or another + 1 that doesn't want to know (thats ok) but his daughter does. 2 x 1/2 bro mother side still evading me - who knows... 1x full sister - found 13 years ago,THE BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD!

Sheila

Sheila Report 28 Mar 2005 16:18

Hi Julia, Have you tried www.infobel(.)com this list all telephone directories abroad, also what about the British Embassy there could they be of any help to you? If she has re-married would a marriage be recorded there, or on 1837 ? Try and find if the embassy know if any ex-pat wweb-sites that operate there maybe you could post a message on there. Don't give up? I am sure of people on this thread may come up with ideas :O) Sheila

Unknown

Unknown Report 28 Mar 2005 16:21

To be honest Julia, How did you find your adoption worker to be with you? If she was helpful sometimes talking to her may help. I personally only went to her once to ask for my file and have my one session. Within that time I was given mum's name. I did the rest with Joan. We cracked it together in 3 days. I was lucky. I met the family on the Sunday and went back to the adoption agency on the Tuesday to get my file. She was shocked when I said I'd found and met them all. We will support all we can. Take care jules xx Sheila, Don't worry. I know every family has skeletons and secrets etc.. I don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. Been there and done that already! Thanks for your support anyway. Love Jx

Julia

Julia Report 28 Mar 2005 16:34

thanks for the advice jules and jess, i dont think i can afford to use Joan so am trying to do it myself, when i can i use 1837 thats where i have got most of my info. But i cant seem to get ant further. I will try the british embassey as suggested. I only saw my counciler once to get my papers, she was not very helpful, but offered to act as a mediator should i find B/M. Many thanks Julia.X

Sheila

Sheila Report 28 Mar 2005 17:01

Hi Julia, Have you spoken with Joan as far as I know she only asks for costs to cover certificates etc, you seem to have found a lot out yourself from 1837, but I know in a few cases Joan does have contacts abroad and be a valuable source of information, and whilst iI manged to Trace my own birth family and sisters that where adopted out, she provided a great source of information, give her a call it can't hurt. Good Luck! Sheila Jules, Hope you did not take any offence from my suggestion just that some of us just dont jump into a fire, more like a volcano ;O) Reckon if we wrote a series of stories, most people would not believe us :O)) Wish you all the Best anyway!!!

Unknown

Unknown Report 28 Mar 2005 17:30

Sheila, I didn't take offence at all. I know you are only looking out for me. For the first time I'm making a decision a it's about time! I have to start to trust my instincts. My gut is telling me to go and i'm going! No one will stop me this time. This is my life not theirs. Off the soap box now!! stay strong everyone. talk later love Jules xx

The Bag

The Bag Report 28 Mar 2005 18:00

Jules, You are obviously seeking something - the right to make decisions about your own life , maybe. as an adult that is your right. But Don't assume the grass is greener on the otherside. it might be for now but when you go over the bridge to the rich green pasture, please don't burn the bridge over which you came... You just might need it if the pasture floods... What does your husband/children feel about the situation? jess

Unknown

Unknown Report 28 Mar 2005 18:23

He feels the same. We have nothing here anymore except bad memories and pain. We have agreed that whatever happens with the birth family will be but had already decided to move towards that area anyway to make a new start and get a better life. The birth family is just the icing on the cake and if they fall off then we still have each other and the kids. That won't change. Hope this answers your question Jules xx Thankx for comments below Jess.

The Bag

The Bag Report 28 Mar 2005 19:15

So glad he is with you in this some men couldn't/ wouldn't understand. Glad you have each other and the gift of 'yourown little ones' take care of each other. Jess

Donna

Donna Report 29 Mar 2005 07:56

hi everyone Jess I think that it is great that you managed to find your sister and that you are the best of friends ,any look with your brother ? Julia ,welcome to the thread and please do not give up ,I am sure that you will find your birth family Jules thankyou for your reply ,I am seeing my birth aunty tonight and my cousins for a drink she rang up and asked if we could meet up my husband is going with me ,I have texed my birth sister a couple of times but have not got any reply i am not sure on wether to ring her or leave it for a couple of weeks and see what happens ,I spoke to my birth sister last week and we seem to get on .I have still not heard off my two other sisters which is quite dissapointing but I know that you have to give them time. I have been doing abit of reserch on my dads mom as my dad was addopted funny situation she married again and went on to have two children , I have searched on electroll roles and have come up with address where she was living but saderly she died 2 years ago but her husband is still living there ,I have found out where my nan 's 2 children live but I am not sure wether to write to them ,one of my nans children is on genes reunited and is reserching both my nan and her husband but I have not texed him as I am unsure wether he knew about my dad and his brother and sister . oh well better go for now lots of love donna x x

Unknown

Unknown Report 29 Mar 2005 08:35

Hi Donna, Hope your meeting goes well tonight for you. I would leave your sister be just for the time being. As hard as it is for you, she may find it a little overwhelming. Give her a little space and see if she contacts you by next Monday. Your other sisters may be feeling the same way. Just carry on getting to know those who want to get to know you.The others will sort things out eventually. I know you want to know when but I can't give you the day and time. I wish I could but I can't! My opinion on your Nan's child researching on genes could be a way forward for you. Not everyone will agree with my opinion and that's all it is, my opinion. I would send an email saying you believe that (insert Nan's name) is a relative of yours and could you compare notes. I personally don't think that's offensive but don't just take my opinion. Wait for some of the others to reply to this one. I will probably get yelled at for suggesting such a thing! Don't know if this helps, but I would wait for a few more replies before deciding what you want to do. At the end of the day you have to decide what is the best thing for you to do. We can only give you advice, the decision is down to you. love jules x

Rainey

Rainey Report 29 Mar 2005 09:03

morning all i hope you all had alovely easter. jess... hope you had a good break julie... welcome to the thread, we are all here to help and support everyone with their searches, be it good or bad. well an update on myself , am not feelin to bad, still tryin to get my head round why b/m didnt want to be re-aquainted, but as someone else said, her loss. am waiting for my adoption file i know the gro were running behind but will phone them this week to find out how much longer it will take. i am at the stage now where i need to know why i was put up for adoption, be it good or bad. shelia... nice to see you again, where did you go on your hols and hope you had a good time, and welcome back to us. am so glad everything seems to be going ok for all of you. with love lorraine xx

The Bag

The Bag Report 29 Mar 2005 10:47

Donna, just like me, you have spoken with your birth sibling , then it all seems to ebb away, despite promises, so you and i are in the same boat- although i have only spoken to his wife not him.This seems to happen quite a lot- initial contact seems fine then nothing...which to be honest is my Concern for Jules.(sorry Jules...) Jess

The Bag

The Bag Report 29 Mar 2005 12:07

You're very welocme, of course! In answer to your question - with great difficulty!.Do you know the girls birth name/DOf B? If so there are probably more avenues open to you. Jess

Unknown

Unknown Report 29 Mar 2005 12:21

Hi Becky The only thing to do then would be to search the appropriate years on 1837online until you find a birth for a girl with a mothers maiden name that matches the one you need. It might mean sending off for a couple of certs but you'll know when you have the right one cos it will state ADOPTED across the certificate Good luck! Lou

Shirley~I,m getting the hang of it

Shirley~I,m getting the hang of it Report 29 Mar 2005 12:46

Hi Becky Yes the checking system at the GRO is worth doing. You put on the form any details you sure about i.e the birth mothers name. & when they call up the cert to print they check first that the detail/s agree. If they dont then thay dont print the cert & send you a part refund I,ve done this in the past & its saved getting a cert that isnt for your relly & wasting £7 I think you get back either £3 or£4 Cant remember which, but at least it saves you a few bob & getting a cert that no use to your research Shirley PS I always note done the ref for the wrong one .It saves trying that ref again .

The Bag

The Bag Report 29 Mar 2005 13:30

Given that there are prob. 2 i'd send for both, without the checking system (no pain no gain) as i remember someone saying that when the fact that the cert was stamped adopted they wouldn't send it out. maybe someone else will have some thoughts jess