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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees *PART TWO*

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

The Bag

The Bag Report 30 Mar 2005 12:17

I was never under any illusion that my birth mother ever 'wanted' me.She didn't want me, anymore than the daughter she gave for adoption 6 years prior, maybe thats why i got NOTHING from her....only lies later in life. I'd have loved a trinket or something. Even though you can't see it ,Lou, be glad she wrote it, sorry for doubting her. For somereason signing off i've filled up with tears, which isn't like me, guess 'thinking' has just re-inforced how much she hated me Jess x

Unknown

Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 13:10

Jess I know what you mean and I know that I can't change anything and get that letter back. I just can't help thinking that I've tied myself up in knots all these years wondering why she gave me up for adoption, did she love me, was I just an inconvenience that was 'problem solved' by the process of adoption, what kind of reaction would I get if I tried to locate her. As you know, that was one of my primary reasons for stalling for so long, that fear of being rejected by her again. If the agency had been a little more careful with their paperwork, all my questions would have been answered 16 YEARS ago and I'd have been spared so much anger, bitterness and heartache. That, I think, is what has made me angry, not the fact that I can't physically see the letter but that its content should have been available to me a long long time ago Lou xx

David

David Report 31 Mar 2005 14:53

Hi Jess In the 1800's were adoptions as formalised as they are now? There are a number of ladies in our family that children were told that they wer 'left on the doorstep'. Also on the 1901 census, my grandfather and grandmother George 26, and Louisa, 24 Sherriff, had an adopted daughter, Ada M A Elliott. Ada was born 1894 the year before they were married, 1895, when Louiisa was 18. George and Louisa had 14 children, of which 9 grew to adulthood and 1 was run over by a horse and cart when he was about 8-9. My father was one of these 14, and he never mentioned an aadopted daughter. A ccousin says she remembers an aunt Ada who was a hairdresser in the Fulham Palace Road who sometimes worked at Buck Pal, and ocassioanlly took her out, but she (my cousin) ddoesn't know where this Aunt Ada fitted in with the family. Any idea how I might find out what happened to this Ada? I had an aunt ada, but she wasn't the one. regards david

Donna

Donna Report 31 Mar 2005 18:10

hi jules and everyone my meeting with my aunty and cousins went very well we are going to meet up next week again ,my cousin has been texted me alot and we have been talking alot on the phone . still no reply off my sister perhaps sheila was right she probably needs time to adjust to me being her family my other two sisters i think do not want to know lou has your mom got back to you since your last chat on the phone?,I am sure she will soon . Jules are you still meeting your grandad at the weekend ? have you had any more phone calls with your grandad ,I bet you can not wait till you meet your family Jess has your brother got in touch with you ? If not i am sure he will soon lorraine how are you ,I am ever so sorry about your birth mom treating you like that you know where i am if you want to chat just text me lots of love donna x x

Unknown

Unknown Report 31 Mar 2005 18:15

Hi David Unfortunately there was no such thing as legal adoption until 1927. Prior to that, any arrangement to take in another family's child was a private arrangement with no legality or paperwork involved. Lou

David

David Report 31 Mar 2005 23:29

If someone was said to be 'Left on the doorstep', did that mean they were illegitimate? or were they left on the doorstep of someone who was thought to be kind enough to take them in? or both? david

Unknown

Unknown Report 31 Mar 2005 23:35

Hi David I think it would mean that they were abandoned, I've never heard the phrase referred to as illegitimacy before. I know of one instance in the parish registers where a baby was left on someone's doorstep so they named her Mary Porch!

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 16:51

Just though i would share this with you - I'm not cruel or unkind (just to be borne in mind!) Just to set the scene........ I have a full birth sister also given for adoption. We're best of friends. both have met B/M etc etc, any have been told that when B/M shuffles off this mortal coil we '' will be told'' by who were are not sure (B/M says our 2 half bro's dont know we exist...supposedly )but hey ho!- who's going to tell us, the tooth fairy?...!!! anyway - i digress. Birth sisters name is Ruth and she is away camping (daft sod)at the moment. There follows an exchange of text messages between us:- Yesterday-, me to her, '' trust all is well, give my love to Cromer'' Reply : ''Yes, all is well, tropical heatwave- i'm in my bikini, ha ha'' Today (and bear in mind the date) me to her '' had a letter from BB (1/2 bro name).says B/M has died and left us £100 each saying sorry....'' Reply '' Oh Heck - do we order flowers , go. to funeral..or not...'' Me to her ''says wear no black , come as you are, so you are in your Bikini then...'' Reply '' You daft sod, had me going for a minute'' Me to her '' just proves we're sisters then, both as daft as each other'' Reply ''and that why I love you.'' ............................................................................ Sorry If anyone is feeling down about their situation. What Ruth and I have is so special........ had to share it Jess x

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Apr 2005 17:14

Hi Jess That's fab, although she must be mental to be camping in April! Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 19:21

Where has Ian got to ? IAN........................!! Said he was going to start to get his file and would report back.. Ian....IAN......!!! Jess, hoping all is well with Ian

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 20:19

Have had a really nice message from Colin - another adoptee. Hope he'll pop up soon and say Hi. he's had contact with and met his B/M but wants to know a bit more about himself. anyone any ideas?They have met and now lost contact. jess

Colin

Colin Report 1 Apr 2005 20:44

fantastic chat thingy!have read all the storys and messages, so many different emotions happy,sad, i think people dont understand unless their adopted themselves. im trying to get my adoption file at the moment and hopefully have a story to tell soon thanks to bow dog bob is that right? spelling will improve in time thanks good luck!

Sheila

Sheila Report 1 Apr 2005 20:45

Hi Jess, Has Colin already viewed his birth records? and if he met his birth mother is he aware of any other relatives that know about him, maybe they could give him some background information. Does he wish to re-knew contact with his birth mother? if he does tell him to e-mail me her name and last know area she lived in and I will see if I can find her on my disk. By the way, I enjoyed your message earlier about your sister, don't know if its a particular trait in adoptees (a warped sense of humour) you know natures way of us dealing with what we find, but both me and my sister joke about things in a similar way :O) Sheila

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 20:49

Just ''JESS' to my friends Colin!! although 'Bow Bob Dog' has a certain ring to it Glad you decided to come and join us Jess

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Apr 2005 21:39

Hiya Jess and everyone, Had a busy couple of days at home. I phoned up a place called 'After Adoption Wales', the lady on the other end gave me a number to call in Southport (the general register office) and said I should ask for a form to fill in to request access to my birth records. Does this mean my adoption file? I have the form now and I've filled it in, I will post it when I ask my Mam (adopted) for the date of my adoption so I can fill in the form properly. The accompanying letter says I will need some counselling if I was adopted before 1975 but I think I was adopted in 1977. I need to talk to my adopted mam and get some details off her, I know she has all the documents, she never throws things away! I have to be honest, I feel really awkward talking to her about this, she is fully supportive of me doing this, but I still feel uncomfortable about it. We very rarely talk about these things, she is my mam and for the most part, it is as if I was never adopted, as it should be I guess. So when we talk about it, the issue brings the reality of the matter into the fore front which can be a bit upsetting, when I left her house on Thursday after talking about my adoption, she said to me on the doorstep: 'Don't forget love, you are still mine and you will always be loved here' I hurried off biting my lip with a lump in my throat. I've been lucky to be adopted by her, she is 78 years old now, more active than me sometimes and awesome! What will my adoption records tell me? I know my b/mother's name, my b/brother and my b/farther's name, I know my b/brother is two years older than me and I am sure I have found him on this site. I want to have as much information as possible before I contact him, but the letter I have says the process of getting my records will take 10-12 weeks! Shiela, Sorry I haven't got around to sending you my info yet, I will do it soon, tomorrow I will get my adoption date and any thing else I can find out, then you will have a better picture to work with. Jess, Hiya! I'm still here! 'Hope everything is good with you and you are staying happy! Kind regards - Ian

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 21:49

Hi ian, glad you came back. Hopefully Colin will be insprired by you and what you are doing (see, not just a girl thing!!) and stay with us. Glad you have Mum on your side. If she is supporting you in finding out your 'roots' although she finds it upsetting, i am sure she'd be glad that you were asking and being open rather than secretive. Bet she kept it all in case you ever asked! Give her a big hug...and never refer to the woman you are seeking as MUM when talking to her.Find out the womans name and use it- works for me anyway! Your birth records are in your adoption file, as well as papers relating to the court hearing etc (if you are lucky). Bet your lovely mum has copies of most of it.... Love Jess x

Sheila

Sheila Report 1 Apr 2005 22:20

Hi Ian, Welcome back, no problem send me the info in your own time, your birth records will be your adoption records, what they will tell you I cannot say, each persons seems to have different experiences on this from very basic information to letters and facts e.g. details of siblings etc. My records we quite basic, health reports, reports by social worker regarding my parents application,reason for adoption, also stated that twins had previously been adopted. My younger sisters was given letters from our B/mother written to her sister (unfortunatly they have lost touch 40 years before but she was able to meet our aunt and cousins before we found our bmother.(so as you can see each case varies a lot). If your adoption was 1977 this will mean you do not need counselling and so save some time, but unfortunatly as the letter say its takes a few months to view them :O( If you need any help with anything on here just ask. Good Luck! Sheila Colin, I have e-mailed you direct

MrsBucketBouquet

MrsBucketBouquet Report 1 Apr 2005 23:15

Im just back from my Hols and have been trying to catch up on all the happenings and gossip. While on Hols I got chatting to a lady and told her of when I found my adopted Sister on here. She told me that she herself was adopted....... I bet you can imagin how long we chatted.....lol We were splashing in the sea at the time and now I have a beacon for a nose....lol anyway.... She told me horror stories about her adopted Mum. (1) She was put on display when friends came round. (2) When ever she was naughty, she was told that she would turn out like her birth Mother, a whore! (3) When she had her 1st boyfriend she was told that her REAL mother entertained the troops during the war dont let a man touch you like SHE did. I couldnt believe my ears and yet this 'Mother' loved her adopted daughter!!!!! (yeah right!) This lovely lady is 64 now and has only just seen her file but has decided she does'nt want to look any further. She has seen her roots and is happy with that. Her words were......'fulfilled' 'Tidy' This is not the first adopted person that has told me things like this :o((( I find it so sad that a girl/woman for whatever reasons decide to put her own feelings aside and make that awful sacrifice to give up her baby so that that child can have a better chance in life only to now learn that this sort of thing has happened to that very special gift. YES a gift! In a way Im glad OUR Mum never got to hear any of this. I was'nt adopted, my sister was but I saw OUR Mothers grief over the years and saw how she coped with it. Before finding this thread I never knew the adoptees side......I do now :o((( Theres always two sides to every story girls n boys. I cant remeber the exact words by John Lennon but they go something like this...... 'Life passes you by while your busy making other plans' Please dont any of you take offence by this..... I'm jet lagged, old fat n ugly, the Hotel was on a great site. The food was awful there was NO evening entertainment (went to bed at 10 every night) and Im sick of visiting the toilet (thank god Boots was doing 'buy one get one free' of Imodium. I look like a walnut! (brown n wrinkly) lol Gerri (off her high horse now) xxxxxxxx :o))

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 23:27

gerri, i am not taking offence..but i am not sure really what you are saying? :-( =? Jess

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 2 Apr 2005 03:23

I think that what Gerri is trying to say is that athough adoptees are believed to go to a 'better life' that is not always the case. Her half-sister has had problems coming to terms with being adopted and life, for the adoptee, has not been a bowl of cherries. Gerri, I think, is hurting on behalf of her mother for what her half-sister is feeling but will not reject her for feeling like she does. Gerri is very supportive of the half-sister who was adopted but it is not plain sailing. I know, it was me who got them together. Gerri is saying, and has said to me, that she has learnt a lot about adoptees feelings by reading the messages on here and understands a lot more now about how the person on the other side of the coin may react/feel. Sorry, Gerri, if I have got it wrong but I think that is how you are feeling. Give me a good old rollicking if I am wrong in any way. Much love and here for support always, you dehydrated, brown, belly aching, old prune!!!! You said it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another point, also made by Gerri, is that what you read is not always read in the tone/stresses of voice as it is typed. Try and read things lighlty with a perky voice rather than a dull monotone and any message may be 'heard' in a different way. Joan