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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 11:35

it is especially hard when you are adopted to ask and to find out.We dont always know the answer to you questions and can feel as though the mist is very thick. For the sake of those alive, there maybe times when we need to assume a little 'annonimity'.Unless you have been there,please take a little time to understand.

Gwyn in Kent

Gwyn in Kent Report 1 Jan 2005 11:43

I understand your need, even though the situation does not affect me personally. Hoping you find the answers you are seeking..... Gwyn

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 11:50

I will always be gentle I cant imagine what it must be like and I guess researching your family history must be even more difficult than it is for the rest of us... :-) I know there are quite a few adoptees using this site, I just wish that the child my Grandmother gave up almost 41 years ago was one of them :-( Shaz x

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 12:02

I'm also an adoptee and I've often been asked why I've never looked for my birth mother, asked whether I'm not curious, do I not want to know the answers and where I came from...privately I HAVE looked into her, I know quite a bit about her life since she gave me up for adoption but I've never tried to contact her. Why? Possibly because I am scared that she wont want to know and that would feel like being rejected a 2nd time. So if you ARE planning to search for a birth family, I wish you all the best in your search and hope you find the answers you are looking for. You're braver than I am! All the best and a very Happy 2005 Lou xx

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 12:14

Wow Lou... I never even thought of that as a possiblity!! Maybe my Uncle has also looked but for whatever reasons he has not made contact! I wish he would though.. I can understand why you would be scared.. I think.. My Heart goes out to you. I wasnt even born when my gran gave her son up and didnt know about him until I was a young teen but since then I have never stopped thinking about him :-) Shaz x

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 12:21

Hi Shaz I've found out that she got married 8 months after giving me up for adoption and had a son 13 or 14 months after the adoption. There's always been this thought at the back of my mind...WHY did she give me up if she was going to be getting married? I know that the bloke she married isn't my father...I've obtained her marriage cert and his details don't match up with the info I have on my adoption file from Social Services. Did she have another baby so soon to replace the one she'd had to give up? Questions questions and no answers. I've had a look up done on the most recent electoral roll for her and it appears she's no longer with the husband but who she IS with throws up a whole new quandry and I keep thinking it might be better to let sleeping dogs lie. Then again, the other part of my brain wonders whether she thinks about me as often as I think about her especially around birthdays and Christmas????????? Lou xx

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 12:29

Lou, my gran already had two children aged 15 and 11 when she gave her son up (the eldest being my mother) so if he has looked into things he may be wondering why she kept them and not him... There is a story behind it of course... :-( I know my Gran thinks of her son often but I cannot talk to her about it as she doesnt feel very good about giving him up and I think she is ashamed too. I am her eldest Grandchild and was born just a little under 4yrs after her son. I wasnt a boy obviously and neither was the next Grandchild 2 years later... but two years after that she got a Grandson and he has been the apple of her eye since the day and hour he was born.... None of the rest of us got a look in, mind you we all still love Gran and she loves us too :-) I'm not even sure how adoptions worked back then though.. wasthere a long period between birth and actual adoption? Shaz x

Gypsy

Gypsy Report 1 Jan 2005 12:34

Lou, I think that what you have said is true, Sometimes it is better to let sleeping dogs lie. My half-sister had her son adopted in 1988, and as harsh as it sounds, I hope that he never comes looking for his mother. The circumstances surrounding the adoptin were horrible, His mother is not a nice person. She has given birth to 3 other children since, all of whom have been removed by Social service. They are going through the adoptin process now. It is a difficult thing to say, as these children are my nieces/nephews, and obviously I care about them. But i do know that they are better off away from her, and if that means not seeing me, then so be it. I hope that they are happy and succeed in life, they certainly would not have, if they had stayed with her. Pat

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 12:35

Shaz I spent 24hrs with my mother after my birth then I went to a foster family until I was 6 weeks old. I then came to live with my adoptive parents and the adoption was finalised when I was 5 months old. I'm told she visited me regularly at the foster family and came to say a final goodbye the day before I was due to leave Pat Sometimes circumstances dictate that they're better off without their birth family. I used to work for Child Protection before I had the little ones and some of the things I saw and dealt with...don't know how I kept my hands from round their throats sometimes Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 12:36

my birth father has 2 sons, then left them and had two illigitimate daughters with another woman, both given for adoption.then went on and had 4 more in a second marriage. The first batch know of the 2nd, The third dont know about the 2nd lot, although they had an inkling about the first. I am in the middle lot and have traced some of the family of his first two and know and get on well with his second illigitimate daughter.Have also traced the third Batch! the thing is you cant just broadcast the names because of who does(and doesn't know about who) J X

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 12:39

Jess I agree. I'm not even sure that the son she had (technically my half brother) knows about me. I'm not saying my birth mother is a bad person (I can't comment cos I've never met the woman) but he is definitely the 'innocent party' in this and I wouldn't want to think of him getting hurt if I suddenly reappeared. Lou

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 12:40

Lou I cant imagine what it must be like at all. Pat I understand why you think sometimes sleeping dogs should be left but what about in different circumstances? Sometimes it isnt a case of an unfit mother... I felt like this a bit about my Uncle but from the other angle... I was scared to look too hard for him as I dont know how his life has panned out and I was scared of opening a can of worms as my Gran is not a young woman. Shaz x

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 12:45

Shaz. I was born in Oct 1961 and placed almost straight away. Mum and dad lodged the order for my adoption in that same december, and the adoption order was granted June 17th 1962, so the whole process took about 6 months in the early 60's although i guess it varies Jx

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 12:45

Shaz Its possible to do some discreet checking without anyone knowing that you're doing it. That's how I've found so much out about her and her life since 'me'. It was a relief actually to find out that she's got married and had another child cos even though it doesn't look like she's with the husband anymore, I'm sure she must have been happy for a while. I've been incredibly lucky and couldn't have wished for a better adoptive family. I guess part of me just wants her to know THAT...that I'm not bitter, I don't hate her for what she did and that I've been (and still am) very very happy She's also got 3 grandchildren that she doesn't know about..... Jess similar time scale to mine...mine was 1970 Lou

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 12:48

Thanks Jess :-) My Uncle was born in 1964 in Glasgow... maybe it was the same for him or maybe it was done differently in Scotland all I know is that she went in and gave birth and came home a week later without him. My mum went into the hospital with Grans friend and they got to see the baby through a nursery window the day after he was born... its the only time mum ever saw her brother! Shaz x

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 12:52

I am glad that you both have lovely parents :-) I often wonder if my uncle is out there wondering about his family.. unaware that he is an Uncle to 3 neices and a nephew and a great uncle to 6 nephews and 5 Neices! I wonder too if he has children or even Grandchildren? I hope his life has been a happy one and that he has nice parents too. Shaz x

Gypsy

Gypsy Report 1 Jan 2005 12:54

Shaz, I know that there are many reasons why children are adopted and ultimatley it is up the the adoptee if they find their birth parents. I can understand both sides. As i said before in my sisters case i do feel that it would be better if she did not get 'found'. However I have understand the wanting to find out. My mother has never known who her father was, her mother died when she was 6. I have recently found out who her father was, unfortunatley he has passed away. I decided that i would try to make contact with his surviving family, even though i knew that they did not know about my mum. Alll I wanted from them was a photo of my grandad for my mum. I did not tell my mum that i was going to make contact as i did not want to upset her if i was rejected. Thankfully the family I found were fine about everything, and just before Christmas I gave my mother a photo of her dad. She was over the moon. I know that in my case, I could not rest until i had at least tried. I think adoptee's should do what they think is best in their circumstances. Only they know what they can live with. Best wishes Pat

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 12:55

My birth mother had been married, and was divorced at the time of my birth.She has 2 sons of that marriage (13 & 15 when i was born) who she says, to this day, do not know I exist.In the next breath she says that they do know and dont want to know me! It has got to the point that i no longer believe anything she ever told me. She had already given up one daughter who approached her and amongst other things asked her about my birth, whereupon she promptly denied having me! faced with facts she had to back track there! I dont dislike the woman - she had her reasons for giving me up and i know i brought lots of joy (and heartach and stress!) to Mum and Dad. I just have this " i didn't ask to be born" sort of feeling J X

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 12:58

Wow Pat.. excellent work.. I am glad you managed to find out who your mothers father was, and to get hold of a photograph for her was lovely!! She must have been so thrilled :-) Best Wishes Shaz x

Gypsy

Gypsy Report 1 Jan 2005 13:00

Lou, I HAVE found it hard to keep my hands from my sisters throat! But it has only really been the last few years that I have realised how bad it was. She is quite a bit older than me,so when this was happening I was still at school. The hardest part has been since I had my own children, I can't understand her. I know how much i love my children, and i would never treat them the way she has treated hers. that is why I have had no contact with her for a few years. i have no desire to know how she is, or to let her be a part of my children's life. My children do not even know she exists. Pat