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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Jean

Jean Report 1 Jan 2005 13:02

I am an adoptive mother,so i am completely sympathetic towards adoptee's,I have been helping my son for several years to locate his birth family....we did find her last year, but when we tried to contact a second time she had moved, so we are now back to square one...she did phone me about 5yrs ago and had promised to come and see my son unfortunatly before she contacted us, we moved... so we are now like ships passing in the night.not able to contact each other again....

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 13:07

Thats brilliant Jean. Mum and Dad know i am doing it and don't condone me at all.How much they want to know of what i find out is a bit different. i guess they'll worry about my being hurt. Supporting your son in ths way is fantastic and hope that he finds what he's looking for soon J X

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 13:10

Pat I dont blame you... it seems that your sister isnt a very nice person and certainly doesnt deserve to have children. In cases like this I too hope that the adoptees dont go looking as they are only in for more hurt. Wouldnt it be nice though if there was a site like this for adoptees and birth familys to add there names to if they were hoping for contact? There are a few sites but they dont seem to be as good or even widely advertised :-( Shaz x

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 13:11

This has been a lovely discussion. It's not often that I get the chance to say what I'm thinking to other people in a similar situation. My other half is wonderful but hasn't a clue, bless him! When I found her current addie thru the elec roll, his first thought was that we should just go round and knock on the door. Noooooooooo....NOT the way to approach things! I sincerely hope that everyone finds what they're looking for one day and that you remember to come back and let us all know how it went! Lou xx

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 13:15

Yes Lou it has and Thankyou everyone.... I too hope that everyone finds what they are looking for and I will definatly come back and tell you if I am ever lucky enough to find my Uncle :-) Shaz x

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 13:19

being childless i actually tried to adopt a child myself. We failed because i made a joke with the social worker - she asked for referees names and i jokingly asked could i use my birth sister, after all we were not brought up together. adoption application refused on the ground that i 'had outstanding issues' with my ow adoption. Don't they understand the majority of adopted people will always have issues unresolved? J x

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 13:22

Lou,maybe we should start and 'adoptees only' thread

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 13:26

I'm sorry that you havent had any children Jess and imagine turning you down for something like that!! I thought they were crying out for people to Adopt!! Shaz x

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 13:26

Jess That's awful, don't they realise that an adoptee is a prime example of someone perfect for adoption because they understand the sensitivity, the heartache and the future turmoil that adoption may or may not bring. My cousin and her husband adopted a 3 year old about 5 years ago now and her birth mother still has contact on birthdays and Christmas. Only by way of cards and presents and letters, no visits or anything as yet, and my cousin finds that very hard to deal with, even though she always knew that it was part of the arrangement. A fellow adoptee would understand (I hope!) how important that birth family contact can be to the child Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 13:34

makes you feel like you are on a little island..no history to look at behind you.. and no-one to pass onto. most people are part of a line. Me? Im a dot! J X

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 13:38

Jess I think I found it hardest when I was having the children. Being asked this, that and the other about family medical history and having to keep saying No idea, not a clue...by the time I had my youngest I walked into the 1st ante natal appt and said 'Before you ask, I have no family medical history cos I'm adopted'. I'm sure the midwife thought I was being rude, but I really didn't see the point of wasting everyone's time keep answering don't know to a long list of questions. Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 13:46

I discovered that my birth mother has had all sorts of illnesses and it was only after i had to have a temp colostomy that the condition was inherited! mind you, see also seems to be a hypocondriac " you must understand i am old now, and suffer poor health" My Mum (the one that counts..) has high blood pressure, arthritis and diabetes and i take great delight in reeling it all off and then adding " but its ok, i am adopted!"

Smiley

Smiley Report 1 Jan 2005 13:46

Hi, I have read all your replies with great interest. I don't want to hijack this thread, so I was wondering if anyone would be able to offer me some advice if I sent a private message. I am searching possible living relatives on behalf of my friend, she was adopted in 1952. I have quite a bit of info but I'm not sure what to do with it! Regards Sam

treacle

treacle Report 1 Jan 2005 13:48

Hi to all of you on this thread, it's been very moving reading all your messages. My Brother and his Wife have fostered over 100 children during their 40 year marriage and even now they have a 3 year old little girl awaiting adoption....and they are both in their 70's now! They have nearly always had the babies straight from the hospital until they are adopted. Takes a special kind of person to do this don't you think? To love and care for a baby knowing you were going to hand them over to someone else at the end of it. But my Sister in Law always said she looked on it as a happy ending for both the baby and the adoptive parents. Anne

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 14:11

I think Jess sums it up perfectly. I'm currently researching my adoptive family tree cos as far as I'm concerned they ARE my family, the only one I've ever known and these are the people I've loved all my life and will continue to love. But it is strange reflect on the fact that I have a whole other family out there that I know very little about and that I have an entire life that they will never share. Lou

Heather

Heather Report 1 Jan 2005 14:11

I am also an adoptive mum. I can tell you adoptees that I am absolutely sure no one could ever have wanted or love my son more than I do. I have told him before he could even understand that he is adopted as I hate deception of any sort. It does not seem to worry him in the least. However, I have told him that I would understand and help if he ever wanted to find out about his birth mum. At the moment he said he has no interest, I am his mum and thats that. But I do understand that when there is a mystery it will nag at you until you know. I am certain that if he did find his birth family he would still think of me as mum. The one who laid by his cot all night when he was ill, the one who wiped his tears (and his bot!) and the one who encouraged him to get a first class honours degree. If he ever wants help to find them I will do my best to settle his mind and I think then the matter would rest. I feel secure in my relationship with him. I wish all of you adoptees peace of mind over this.

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 14:13

Heather I'm as lucky as your son is. I was told that I was adopted from the minute I was able to understand. Nothing has ever been hidden from me and when I started to ask questions, my parents were willing to share what little information they had and helped me to obtain my file from Social Services. I can't imagine being in the position of suddenly finding out you're adopted by accident years down the line. What you said is so true...Mum and Dad are the ones who look after you when you're ill, encourage you all the way and don't (in my case!) flip their lid when you announce you're pregnant at 16! Lou

Heather

Heather Report 1 Jan 2005 14:23

The thing is Lou there was a recent study which showed up to 1 in 10 kids are not the child of the father in the family. They dont know and it doesnt worry them. I dont think blood relations are the most important thing in the world - you have no choice with them. But I do understand if you do know there is something out there most people would want to settle their curiosity about it.

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 14:32

Heather I think I'd like to know my half brother, more than I'm interested in her. Does that sound terrible? There's obviously a whole 'story' around why I was supposedly put up for adoption which I'd like to know the facts about, but I'd like the chance to meet him, see whether we're alike etc. Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Jan 2005 14:36

Unless that reply was intended just for Heather, if so please disregard Nope.not at all. i am waiting for a photo of the two half brothers that dont know i exist. A neighbour I found thru FR has a photo of them playing in the street long before i was born.it won't tell me anything but i'd still like to see it. I am interested in where they went and why, even if they dont want to know me..Just because, i guess, it makes me feel more whole. Jx