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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 22:30

Gerri Two reasons....No. 1 - although I was only 6 weeks old the first time it feels like rejection. I don't want to feel that again. No 2 - I have to consider her son. I have no idea whether he is aware that his mother had a child before him and that I was adopted. He's only 14 months younger than me so may have spent 33 years of his life thinking he is the one and only. I'm assuming that he and our mother have a good relationship as up to last year, they still lived in the same house. I don't want to do anything that might shatter that. I don't have the right to. She is his mother too and she's raised him. Much as I would love to meet her, discuss things with her, get to know her, HE has to be my priority. I'm not suggesting in any way that my birth mother is a bad person, but he is definitely the 'innocent party' for want of a better phrase. If I could be sure that he knew of my existence then I would attempt to make contact. He may not like it, this half sister suddenly arriving on the scene after all these years but at least he wouldn't only be finding out about me when I did. Does that make any sense whatsoever??????? Lou


Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 22:39

Marjorie It wasn't that your comments offended, it's simply that how things were years ago is something that has been pointed out to me time and time again over the years and it starts to make me feel that I should be grateful that she gave me up for adoption and that I have no right to have questions that I'd like answering cos she did it 'for my own good'. I'm sure that under the circumstances I HAVE been better off for having been adopted, I know from my adoption file that her family were having a few personal problems in addition to me arriving on the scene, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that I'm missing out on another family...MY family, where I came from, who do I look like, those kind of questions. Lou


Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 22:41

Lou, every situation is different as I'm sure you're fully aware. Your half-brother might not have a good relationship with his mother - might really be thrilled at you finding him - etc, etc. I can't say too much in this public place about my half-brother because there's a very difficult situation there. I know EXACTLY what you mean about rejection. I've also been there twice ... once at 6 weeks and again just over a year ago. But at least I can sleep at night because everything that was covered up has now been uncovered and the healing process has started. If you want to email me anytime, please do, even if you just want a listening ear from someone who really has 'been there'. Mandy x


Chris Report 1 Jan 2005 22:46

A very good friend of mine has just been told by her mother that she has a sister who was given up for adoption in the late 1950s she knows her birth name and where she was born and she is desperate to try and find her. Iv even put a message on here on the trying to find board but not had any luck yet Christine


Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 22:47

Thanks Mandy If I could be sure he knew about me then I think I'd feel differently about taking that first step. Certain things dictate that I suspect he DOES know of my's all very complicated. I'll e-mail you with what I know and you can give me your opinion! Lou


Helen Report 1 Jan 2005 22:50

I've been following this thread with interest as I'm looking from 'the other side' as it were. I gave my daughter up for adoption in 1982. Yes, by then it was quite acceptable to be a single parent but I didn't know what help was available and, to put it simply, was told by my parents 'well, if you keep the baby I don't know where you're going to live'. I was 17 and absolutely terrified so took what seemed the only option and gave my baby up. I never even held her. In the intervening years she has never been far from my thoughts, and it was especially difficult when all those closest to me started having their families. I didn't have any further children, during my twenties when my then husband and I were trying for a family we were diagnosed as suffering from inexplicable infertility. I spent quite a long time thinking I was being punished for giving my baby up. A couple of years ago I found out about NORCAP and was going to register as, by law, I wasn't allowed to try and trace my daughter. NORCAP seemed to be the only option open, and its available for all birth relatives to register their details in case the adoptee registers too, then there would be a match and contact could take place. In the end I didn't need to as on 11th Sept 2003 my daughter took a gamble and emailed me through friends reunited, we exchanged emails, spoke on the phone and within 2 weeks met up for the first time. I can honestly say that now I feel complete, having spent 20 years feeling like part of me was missing. My best friend is also an adopted person who has no interest in finding her birth mother, so I am fully aware that every case is different. Whether you decide to get in touch with your birth mother or not I wish you all the best wishes there are, as from what my duaghter has since told me, being an adoptee is just as fraught with emotions as being a birth mother. I hope I've not offended anyone with what I've said Helen


Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 22:52

Lou, I know what you mean about complicated - I don't think there's ever an adoption situation that's straightforward! I know that every situation is different, but out of such a terrible time has come something so good. My half-brother and I know for definite that we will be brother and sister for the rest of our lives. We are very similar in both looks and personality - and the icing on the cake is that our families get on really well too. Happy to swop notes any time. Take care, Love Mandy xx


Unknown Report 1 Jan 2005 23:03

Helen Why on earth would you have offended anyone? You did what you did cos it was your best option at the time, as I'm sure is the case with a lot of our adoptions too. I think its wonderful that she's contacted you and that you can finally get to know her. Lou

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 1 Jan 2005 23:56

This thread has carried on and its lovely to see :-) Maybe this site should add an adoption board so that people could just add the Date they were born and the Town they were born and maybe birth familys who are looking could also add the sex, date of birth and town of the person they seek and then it could be left up to each individual. I dont know some of you may think this is a stupid idea... maybe it is.. I dont know :-( By the way to any adoptive parents reading this.. my desire to meet my 'Uncle' isnt to steal him from the family that have raised him or to take him from any Neices or Nephews he already has I'd just like to meet him and as I have done so well with the family tree I'd be able to help him to know his maternal birth line at least. I know I am not an adoptee and probably havent got a clue when it comes to an adoptees feelings but I just wonder if he wonders... do you know what I mean? Shaz x


Unknown Report 2 Jan 2005 00:04

Shaz Understand you perfectly. Couple of threads down there's one going called Suggestions to improve GR. How about putting something on about an adoptees board? I'm not sure about the legal implications of such a thing but I'm sure they could advise if its not possible and why. I think I kinda lost the plot earlier and was probably a bit sharp with a few people. I appreciate that it's hard to get across what you mean when you're trying to write it down but I just get so sick of being constantly reminded about how hard life was in the early 70's and how I should appreciate how hard it must have been for my birth mother. Marjorie was probably just in the wrong place at the wrong time, poor love! Lou xx


MrsBucketBouquet Report 2 Jan 2005 00:04

Great idea Big Shaz I'll start with.... Stephen White... born 20/4/1957... Mothers name...Paula White... Place of Birth.... Putnam House,Aleysbury, Bucks. This would be my Nephew.

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 2 Jan 2005 00:40

Aww Lou I am sure she understood :-) You are entitled to get upset.. this is your life and your emotions and if you want to shout at the world you go right ahead! Although I am not directly involved I have found myself getting angry with Gran at times for being so bloody weak and not standing up for herself and her son but then I change and feel sorry for her as I know she is weak and cant help that, so then my anger is directed at the one who made her give up her child.... Ok This is the story..... My Gran and her husband seperated in 1958 at this time they were living with my Grandpa (Grans father) and my Grandad (Grans Husband) moved out. Gran at that time had 2 children aged 9 and 5... the oldest was my mum. Gran was not very good at doing things for herself and relied heavily on Grandpa.. she wasnt dim but had just been molly cuddled all her life especially after her own older brother was killed in an accident at his work when he was only 18 and Gran was 13.. she was the only remaining child. Her own mother then died on Grans 19th Birthday and Grandpa continued to molly cuddle and do everything for Gran. Anyway... after her seperation Gran would go out to the dancing etc and had the odd 'male friend' and this was how she ended up pregnant with my 'Uncle'... Grandpa was Furious and told Gran that she had brought shame on him and her children. He told her that if she chose to keep the child then she must leave and never darken his door again. Grandpa also told her that he would be keeping my mum and her younger brother so if she left she was leaving alone!Although Gran was still friendly with her estranged husband she didnt feel she could turn to him. So she went with what she thought was her only option and on the 1st April 1964 she gave birth to a son in the Rottenrow, Glasgow. She stayed in for the usual week and then went home without him. Gran did work so she wasnt finacially dependant on her father but of course she didnt want to leave her older two children behind and if she kept the baby she would'nt have been able to work to support herself and the baby. Now a little over 3 years later my own mother stood in the same room infront of Grandpa and announced that she was pregnant just as her mother had done! Mum was 18 and although she was engaged she was not yet married... Grandpa Slapped her face and called her all the common whores under the sun and put her out of the house telling her she was never to darken his door again. Mum ... Thankfully wasnt weak, she was 18 and gutsy.. I say Thankfully because the child was me! Mum and dad married 6 weeks later but Grandpa wouldnt back down and my mum was still barred from the house. However 2 weeks after I was born in Jan 68 she decided to go and knock the door! She was a little nervous as to what reception she would get but the door opened and Grandpa reached out took me from mums arms and walked into the house with me leaving mum to shout.. "can I come in then" I became his wee pet lamb and he adored me and I him until his death in 77. This angers me because I love Grandpa yet he forced my Gran into giving up her son!! Gran did become depressed after I was born (so I have been told) and had a breakdown! No-one seems to know why but I wonder if it was because she began to wonder if Grandpa would have come round if she had stood up to him like mum did. After all she had given her child away and now here was Grandpa singing songs and rocking me to sleep in his arms totally forgetting that 9 months previous I was just the Bastard in my Whore of a mothers belly! Sorry if I went on but I thought I'd just tell you all the story of how my uncle came to be given up.... even though his mother already had two children. Shaz x


Julie Report 2 Jan 2005 02:13

I have found this a very interesting and moving thread. Not an adoptee myself and never adopted or fostered, but I find the subject very interesting, Gerri - something about what you wrote left me in tears - about visiting the grave - TOGETHER. Majorie, I know exactly what you were saying, it's something I have often thought about myself, how relatively easy us lone parents have it now days. If I went out and got pregnant by a stranger tomorrow, hardly anyone would raise an eyelid and we would be provided for - like you say 40 or 50 years ago women and girls were not really given a choice. Some maybe did have, but very few, they weren't even allowed to think that way, they just did as they were told or were foced into it by social and ecconomic factors. I know you weren't suggesting people were judging, I could tell that, maybe just letting them know that the majority of mothers will never truly get over it.

The Bag

The Bag Report 2 Jan 2005 08:31

My story is very similar to those mentioned earlier.I was result of a fling by birth mother had (although she'd been with him some years before and gave that baby for adoption too).Again it was her father that insisted i was given away.I think one was much more influenced by parents in those days. Although my birth mother already had two sons from her former marriage and was a divorcee she was 'forced' by her father to give me up, as she had her first illigitimate daughter. My birth father already had two children,and went on to have 4 more with a second wife,so really he had 3 batches of childen. I know i have 2 half brothers on my mothers side, 2 half brothers on my fathers side born before me, and 4 more 'halves born after me. I am (unusually ) lucky that i also have a full sister, who i know well and get on brilliantly with, that was the 1st born daughter of my birth mother and birth father.She was born and adopted 8 years before me and although brought up by different families are incredibily alike. How much do i wish i could put my birth name on here!Would just cause heartache.. J


Lily Report 2 Jan 2005 10:24

Marjorie I can relate to all you have said, my aunt gave up a girl in 1948 for adoption, she had no choice, nowhere to live (if not with 'respectable' middle class family) and benefits (DSS) were hardly what they are now! I joined GR to try and find my cousin but, so far, no luck. After reading everyone's comments, perhaps it's for the best. Dilys


AnninGlos Report 2 Jan 2005 11:07

This thread has been very informative and, at times brings tears to my eyes. as well as having been a foster parent in the past, i can relate to what a lot of you are going through because we have a family member in the same position. She has not made contact with her birth family yet, although she knows who her birth mother was, and knows there are siblings (or half siblings). it is difficult in her case because her adoptive parents are really against her tracing her birth Mother and she would hate to upset them as they have brought her up in a loving and stable home and she loves them. Each case is different and i hope that you all reach the outcome that is best for you. Ann Glos


Stardust Report 2 Jan 2005 13:22

I think these would be some of the saddest situations I've read about and so far as mothers who give up their babies for adoption I would like to add that my niece fell pregnant at 16, in 1957. her parents arranged for her to be sent to a "home" until the baby was born, quite a long way from where they lived because of the shame, fortunately it was near to me and she and I met regularly and when she went into hospital I was notified and was able to visit her, she had the baby with her at the home for a while and when he was christened I had the honour of being his godmother. She had no choice but to give her baby up for adoption and when she had to sign the final papers came to visit me, she was absolutely heartbroken and devastated, I wasn't able to help her as we were struggling with children of our own and hopelessly overcrowded. I have never forgotten how she felt about the whole thing. It would have been lovely to have been able to tell her son just how heartbreaking it was for his mother to part with him.


Peter Report 2 Jan 2005 13:46

As the son of an adoptee I can see why to some the whole subject is Painfull and Destressing. My father felt so bad about his adoption that he would not talk about it, so much so that I never found out that he was adopted untill late in life. It was only becuse my Mother told me his real name that I know I should be a Spence and not a Walker. BUT he did leve me with a problem. I whant to know about my past, but with just a name I can not (as yet) go any ferther with it. The past is as importent to Your children as it is to you, and as painfull as it might be, you have to let them know about your past, even if its only leveing some thing in your will. And in doing so you might also lay to rest the ghost of self blame (If it exsits). No Adoptee is to blame for there situation and in some cases nor are perants, but even if you can not bring your self to look in to the resons, as to why it happend to you. Do not stop your children, Even if its after your just a name on your own tree.

The Bag

The Bag Report 2 Jan 2005 14:04

Peter. Please bear in mind that no-one HAS to tell of their adoption. No-one other than an adoptee has a right to information pertaining to an adoption (if your Dad didn't tell you his birth name you wouldn't be allowed to look it up) JX


Angela Report 2 Jan 2005 16:35

know what you are going through, it took me two years to finally look for family members, and through this site i found my sister was actually looking for me!!!!!!!.. It may take you some time but you will know when you are ready. all the best angela