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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Unknown

Unknown Report 2 Jan 2005 16:41

Shaz It must have been hard for you to put all that down into words and I really hope that one day you will be able to have a conversation with your Uncle and discuss the family tree together. There's been so many opinions shared by so many people on this thread that I was wondering....can any of the 'older generation' (no offence meant but you'll understand my wording in a minute!) maybe answer a query for me? I'm not sure who else to ask.... One of my reasons behind being so reluctant to go full steam ahead with contacting my birth mother is her son, I've no wish to hurt him. If I could be sure he knew of my existance, whether he has a desire to meet me or not, I may feel differently. However, I was born by emergency c-section and I have been told by several people that back then (1970) one c-section meant that every other pregnancy would automatically be a c-section and that the scars from the op in those days were quite horrendous. Therefore, going off that, he would know of my existance as he would know that she had had at least one child before him due to the fact that he was a c-section birth and even if she did manage to have a natural delivery with him, she could never hide the c-section scar. Would that be correct, do you think? Lou

MrsBucketBouquet

MrsBucketBouquet Report 2 Jan 2005 16:59

Lou... Dont forget that a son maynot know that his mother has scares. Men dont seem to talk about such things (mores the pity) Have you noticed that on male profiles they dont put anything?...while females tell you their life story! lol Men are not so inquisitive as us females. My children were born in the late 60s and early 70s and when someone had a 'c' section it was usually a life or death situation. Unlike today when they whip you down at the drop of a hat just because they are running late! I new a girl that had a c.section and she was told in 1969 that she would only be allowed to have one......My daughter had three but that was not so long ago. Thinking of you...Gerri x

Unknown

Unknown Report 2 Jan 2005 17:17

Thanks Gerri I'm assuming my c-sec was an emergency given that I was born at 5.48am. Not usually a time they book one in for! Lou

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 2 Jan 2005 22:47

I have three friends who have been affected by either adoption or as the result of being born of a single mother. One, a man in his early forties, let's call him Fred. He was born in 1960, mixed race, to a thirteen-year old mother. Now, that was extremely rare then, thirteen year old mothers were practically unheard of. Somehow she managed to keep him, I do not know how and when I expressed astonishment at this, he shrugged and said, well, she must have lived on the Social. Beleive me, that didnt exist, or in such a minute amount, I truly don't know. Two days after her sixteenth birthday, she married a forty-nine year old man, not the father of Fred. To me, this speaks of utter despair at her situation and her new husband was A. a meal ticket and B. The only man who would have her. By the time she was twenty, she had five children. At twenty-one she left all five children and walked out. I was appalled at this story, my friend Fred was justifiably angry I thought. However, a story begins to emerge. Fred remembers "Men" coming to the house, his mother crying, his stepfather hitting her and then she had to go upstairs with these men.... He remembers that after his mother left - he was about seven - his mother came to the school and told the teacher she had to take Fred to the dentist ...Fred ran and hid because his stepfather had told him his mother was going to take him away and drown him. Fred knows where his mother is, the other children have contact with her. Fred won't go to see her, he is very bitter that "she did not love him". My despair at trying to get him to see the other side of this - she loved him enough to keep him against the odds as a thirteen year old girl in 1960. She left his abusive Stepfather, WE all know why, and she tried to get him back. (Incidentally, the other children all tell the same story,she tried to get them back too, succeeded with the youngest, who had been dumped on a child-minder). Fred has the biggest chip on his shoulder you have ever seen and I say to him, go and see her, listen to her side of the story and then yell and scream at her if you want, but don't carry this around for the rest of your life. The other story is of my friend who became pregnant at 18 in 1959. She kept her baby and her mother, who wore the trousers, allowed her to come home. However, she and the baby had to stay out of her father's way and for two years the only words he spoke to her were "Whore" and "Bastard" to her baby son. She married, a man she admits she did not love, to get away from this terrible situation. Her first-born son now an adult, has problems, which may or may not stem from this. The other friend was married with a child, had a stupid drunken one night stand which in her words "I have paid for every day of my life since". Her husband insisted that she have the child adopted to save their marriage, when she did this, he laughed in her face and left her. Her daughter contacted her about five years ago, but not a happy ending, after about a year, the daughter swanned out of her life again leaving my friend utterly devastated. I suppose (sorry, I do go on!) the reason I jump to the defence of Birth Mothers so easily is because I am of their generation and know what they went through. I do not know the experience of their children, the Adoptees. I think the idea of an Adoption Board is sound, but would like to see it regulated properly, we have all seen on these boards people giving away TOO MUCH information in public. After all, women who gave up their babies for adoption were promised absolute anonimity at the time. Good luck to you all.

Unknown

Unknown Report 2 Jan 2005 22:52

Majorie I agree totally with the last comments you make. I think the adoption board should be limited to birth name, date of birth and place. NO 'This was my birth mother's name' or 'This is the story behind my adoption'. Those 3 little pieces of information, however minimal they may seem to anyone else, will be more than enough for anyone searching for a birth daughter/son or whatever to know they have the right person. Anyone placing more information that the above mentioned 3 items should be asked, in the nicest possible way of course, to remove additional material Lou

Margaret

Margaret Report 2 Jan 2005 22:55

I caught something about a programme on ITV1, I think it is on Sunday, about both sides of this situation. I know David Dickenson is involved, he was adopted. It also talks to mothers who were forced to give their children away. I didnt hear what it was called but I suppose it will be advertised again.

Big Shaz

Big Shaz Report 2 Jan 2005 23:17

I have dont think I have given away too much but then maybe I am wrong... if anyone would like me to remove my threads then just tell me and I will. I have not given any names! I know that a lot of birth mothers had it hard but can understand some of the adoptees anger too. I know of another woman who gave up a child because her husband told her too... it was either the child or him. This was his child!! Shaz x

Unknown

Unknown Report 2 Jan 2005 23:26

Evening Shaz! In my opinion your message is fine, don't know what other people think. I just don't feel it would be appropriate for me, for example, to post my birth mothers name and details on the thread. Someone reading it may know her, may not know she had a child adopted etc which could open a whole new can of worms. As Marjorie quite rightly pointed out, birth mothers were promised anonimity as much as adoptees were. The difference is that adoptees are legally allowed to search for a birth parent once they reach 18. At the moment, the law states that a birth parent cannot search for a child. As the adoptee we are CHOOSING to have our details in the public forum, I feel that putting the birth parents details in the same place would be inappropriate Lou

MrsBucketBouquet

MrsBucketBouquet Report 2 Jan 2005 23:39

Please dont delete this thread!!!! Im learning so much about the adoptees side. I will admit I never knew this before. It's really opened my eyes to the adoptees side of things and will help me with my own found adopted sister. Dont desert me m8ys in my hour of need. Gerri x

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 2 Jan 2005 23:48

I have just seen the new thread with adoptees details on it and I think its fine. Birth name, date of birth and place, as you say, will be enough to identify you to the person who really matters. Its a pity really that the "Authorities" can't do something as simple and accessible as this. I can understand that a certain amount of counselling is needed before both sides get together - from these boards in the past I have been quite horrified by the tunnel vision of some (probably very young) people, dishing the dirt on their birth mothers. I got the impression that they would turn up on their mother's doorstep without warning and give the poor woman a heart attack (or, even worse maybe) her husband. However, if two sides of the coin come together through this new thread, presumably both sides have a real desire for contact.

♫ Penny €

♫ Penny € Report 2 Jan 2005 23:50

Hi little Kb Why don't you watch the programme next Sunday it see if he gives anything away about what he knows first? Penny

MrsBucketBouquet

MrsBucketBouquet Report 2 Jan 2005 23:50

Little KB...isnt he about 60?...he looks as if he maybe even older. Gerri x

Wendy

Wendy Report 2 Jan 2005 23:55

Little KB, if you google David Dickinson there is a bbc bio of him - says he was born in 1941 and has already traced his birth family. Wendy x

♫ Penny €

♫ Penny € Report 2 Jan 2005 23:57

Hi See one website for him & it says when he was born & where he was adopted. http://www.david-dickinson.net/about-david-dickinson/david-dickinson-biog1.htm Hope this helps Penny PS I don't think there's any need to delete your message.

Wendy

Wendy Report 3 Jan 2005 00:08

I am finding this thread very interesting and although I am not adopted, my husband is. He made no attempt to trace his birth family until both his adoptive parents died, by which time he was 36. He did eventually manage to find his birth family, only to discover that his birth mother had died four years previously. He was very upset that he had left it too late and deeply regrets not looking for her earlier. I don't know if this helps anyone in making a decisison about whether to trace their birth family, but I think it should be considered. Best Wishes to all, Wendy x

Unknown

Unknown Report 3 Jan 2005 00:10

Hi Wendy That's the one thing that has crossed my mind while I sit here deliberating about what to do. I know that I would be devastated if I left it too late and found out she would have loved to have heard from me Lou

♫ Penny €

♫ Penny € Report 3 Jan 2005 00:10

Little Kb You wouldn't have found out unless you had spoken out. Hope you have some success one day soon. Penny

Wendy

Wendy Report 3 Jan 2005 00:17

Lou, I can understand your worry with regard to your brother. When my husband tracked down his birth family he discovered he had a younger half brother, which delighted him. But I think that his brother found it quite hard to deal with initially, since he had absolutely no idea about my husband's existence and I think it was difficult for him to come to terms with the fact that he wasn't an "only" child after spending his whole life thinking he was! He did eventually come to terms with it and although we are not in close contact with him the contact is still there. I do sometimes think that every now and then you have to put yourself first and do what is best for you - for your own peace of mind. Best Wishes and Good Luck, Wendy x

MrsBucketBouquet

MrsBucketBouquet Report 3 Jan 2005 00:26

You all know by now that I found my adopted Sister...... well she missed meeting OUR mother by only two months...She says she feels as if she is in mourning. She's also sad that she diddnt find us sooner. She did make enquiries years ago....then dropped it. Her reason being, that she was afraid of a second rejection.bless her. I have heard this from other adoptee's on this board since this thread started. I say...go for it! you can always walk away and you can never 'wonder' again. Just wish I could put the world to rights! Im going for world peace tomorra lol Gerri x

Janet 693215

Janet 693215 Report 3 Jan 2005 00:27

This is probably not the right place for this message but please bear with me. My father was born in 1933. He was a "late" baby, my grandmother believing him to be the onset of the menopause. He was rejected by his parents and fostered for the first three years of his life. Instead of being adopted, he went back to his parents. He was subjected to terrible mental abuse from his father which left him mentally scarred for life. Not a bad impression considering his father died by the time he was 7 1/2. It wasn't something he talked about much but I think the abuse continued at the hands of his much older siblings.I remember him recounting the tale of being forced to eat his food off a platew on the floor as he wasn't worthy of eating at the table. I wish that there had been in place the systems there are now to identify what was happening and he had been taken into care and given the chance of being adopted. I hope one day to find the family of his foster parents and thank them for giving him the only happy memories and sense of security in his childhood.