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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Francesca

Francesca Report 6 Jan 2005 11:24

Hi i was adopited back in 1957 and have been trying to find my birthfamily for about 25years it is very hard when no one wants to help but will go on looking as you always feel there is somthing missing regards fran

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 12:21

Anne That's a lovely way of looking at things. If my life hasn't taken the path it has (i.e. adoption) I probably would have never met Mark, I wouldn't have the children I have and I may never have started the family tree (which was initially started so I could look into my birth mother and I got hooked!) so I'd never have got to know some of the wonderful people on this site! Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 6 Jan 2005 12:39

I've often wondered what path my ife would have taken had i not been adopted or had been adopted by someone other than Mum and Dad. Sometimes it really does make you wonder what you'd have been today. I have a full birth sister, also given for adoption that I met 15 or so years ago and am still very good friends with. We are alike in not so much looks but as in thought, hobbies, interests and attitudes. Guess what you are is in your genes and that the life that you are brought up in only has certain bearings on what you are., although i have heard "You are just like your mother..." more than once! Jess

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 13:03

I remember when I was little how many people told me that I looked just like my mum. We'd give each other little knowing smiles because we never replied 'Well actually I'm adopted' to anyone who made the comment. My litte bruv used to joke that it's like dogs...you grow to look like your owner! Charming! There are uncanny similarities between us though, identical colouring and many of the same quirks and mannarisms. Lou

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 14:47

Very interested to read these last few replies about the 'nature versus nurture' idea. My half-brother and I are quite similar in looks, ie we don't look like twins but you can see we are related! Also have exactly the same warped sense of humour, so when we are stood giggling like naughty little schoolchildre, his wife and my husband wander off to be adults together!! He has met my mum and dad (adoptive) on several occasions and says that I'm very much like my mum - but often he has to do a double-take, because something I say or do, or a gesture, will be so much like my birth mother (his mum) that it takes his breath away. Seeing that I've never even met her, it's even more incredible. Genes are a very powerful thing. Mandy :)

Shelli4

Shelli4 Report 6 Jan 2005 14:56

Mnady there was a programme on a while ago about natrure nurture arguement and it was intreesting. can't recall the title now. But it does make you think doesn't it??? AS i out on the thread my daughter is not my partners and the amount of people that say she's like her Dad is untrue. Depending on who they are someitmes we tell the truth adn othertime we just smile and say yes she is LOL

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 15:16

When I was at Uni, the nature versus nurture theory was rammed down our throats repeatedly for 4 years. This one lecturer was particularly convinced that nature would always overcome nurture but I was never entirely sold on his theory. I can see the arguments for and against it but I liked this as an example. There was a scientific study done many years ago where a newborn puppy was taken away from its mother immediately after birth and given to a nursing cat. It was monitored as it grew and the puppy did grow to believe it was a cat. It had grown to accept the traits and the puppy would do things you would normally only expect of a cat. He used adopted children as an example at one point, saying that you could remove a child at birth from their mother but he or she would automatically be drawn back to that person as they got older. I argued that I'm not sure that is necessarily nature over nurture but more a curiousity to learn about your roots and your birth family history. I've come across the theory many many times over the years in my line of work and I think there are arguments for both, although on saying that I'm not sure it's entirely nature winning. As Mandy said, I think its genetic! Lou xxx

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 15:26

Lou, that's really strange because I heard somewhere recently (and it's annoying me that I can't remember where!) that when you're younger, you're more like your adoptive parents but as you get older, you start to get more and more like your birth parents. Mandy :) PS: If you put my son between his dad and his uncle (my half-brother) you would choose his uncle as his dad - he's far more like him in looks!

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 15:38

Mandy I can see what you mean...I've often wondered whether I'm like either of them or like my half brother (actually I have 2 of them...found that out last night!)cos I'm definitely less like Mum and Dad now I'm older! Lou xx

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 6 Jan 2005 18:29

Ah Lou! I've only just come on line, SOOOO excited for you!! You must, however, be feeling a bit peculiar? Oh, I do so hope this all works out for you. I shall be watching this thread like a hawk now. Marjorie

cazzabella

cazzabella Report 6 Jan 2005 19:09

My late mother was adopted in 1936 at the age of 4. Her mother was very young was unable to care for her. It was all very sad. My mother was born in a mother and baby home, and my grandmother looked after her there for 4 months until one day the head of the home told her that they were sending my mother to a children's home, 150 miles away. She was taken the same day. My grandmother had no time to say a proper goodbye and she was heartbroken. A few days later my grandmother was packed off to a 'home for wayward girls' in London. She had to stay there until someone in the family came to collect her....2 years later. Eventually, my mum was adopted, but my great-gran insisted that the sdoption could only go ahead if she was allowed to have contact with the new family. It wouldn't happen now, but they agreed and when my mum was 21 she was put in touch with my great-gran. They wrote and met up for almost 30 years, but in all that time, my mum and gran were kept well and truly apart, until my great-gran, finally, on her deathbed, agreed to pass their addresses on. A year later they were reunited and it was very emotional. My gran had emigrated, and my mum wasn't well enough to fly over there, so gran came here. That was the only time they met before my mum died. All those wasted years! My mum felt like a fish out of water all her life, which is why we both got into our family history, and my gran still writes to me about how her heart is broken at being forced to give up her only child. Carole

Amanda,

Amanda, Report 6 Jan 2005 19:41

Lou, Wishing you the very best of luck, I can see myself in my half brother and my Mum. My half sisters can see Mum in me 20 years ago. Will leave this posting here as it's not hurting anyone to do so. Love Amanda x

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 20:02

Well I've had a longgggggggggggg think about things and have decided that if Joan comes up with an address for her then I'm going to attempt to make contact. If I don't, I'll never know and if she rejects contact then I haven't really lost anything cos I never had her in my life in the first place but I've tried and I may be able to put it 'to bed'. And as someone quite rightly pointed out to me the other day...whilst it's very good of me to be thinking of my half-brother(s!!!) feelings, the boys are 33 and 29. They can either accept me or not. It's not like I'm going to be risking upsetting much younger children, if that were the case then I would steer well clear for now. It looks very much like both boys are married anyway and have a 'life of their own'. I'm sure Big Sis suddenly appearing would come as a shock to them but they're old enough to get their heads around it....or not, as is their wish. Will keep you posted! Lou xxx

Helen

Helen Report 6 Jan 2005 20:43

Lou I'll be thinking of you, as I'm sure will many other people. I really hope this all works out for you. Good luck Helen

♫ Penny €

♫ Penny € Report 6 Jan 2005 23:04

HI I have been amazed at this thread. Lou I really hope things work out for you & things come together for the better. Penny PS Was it your little boy that was ill? (Can't keep up with everyone's name changes over Christmas!) If so how is he now?

MrsBucketBouquet

MrsBucketBouquet Report 6 Jan 2005 23:15

My REAL father is Canadian and came over here during the war. He was married with 5 kids left in canada. He met my mum and they lived together for 9 years. He was forced to return to Canada when I was 10 months old. He diddnt come back. I found him when I was in my 40s in Canada and met his wife and 8 children. 3 were born after his return. It was like looking in a mirror!!!!! when I looked at my half sisters. We had a huge reunion and met nephews n neices, brothers n sisters. We even shared manerisms. Same hair styles, Same Glasses and even our dress sense was the same.(remember! none of us had met before) I have a photo of MY son and met my youngest half sisters son and it was MY son with a Candian accent!!!! I'll put that photo in this web site pics. http://groups(.)msn(.)com/GCPhotospage So yes! It's all in the genes. Gerri (the mongral) lol

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 23:17

Hi Penny Yep it was me with the sick baba! He's doing great...apart from thinking that its now his perfect right as a 13 month old horror to refuse to go to bed every night unless he's in bed with me! Other than that, we're making good progress and he's starting at nursery school 3 afternoons a week as of a week on Monday. I took them both yesterday so they could meet the people who'll be looking after them and the other kids in the class and he didn't want to come home! Now I have to decide whether I'm going to go back to work. I actually fancy the idea of freelancing...that way I can work from home and carry on with the tree in between! Lou xxx

♫ Penny €

♫ Penny € Report 6 Jan 2005 23:29

Hi Lou Glad he's better - my youngest still comes in bed with me sometimes. I just think now they are not young for long. Mine started in reception class this week & so I am too pondering on what to do work wise. Hope things work out - in all the areas of your life at the moment :-) Penny

Unknown

Unknown Report 6 Jan 2005 23:31

I think I've just got too used to being at home now, it's been 15 months (counting from when I went off on mat leave!). It'd be easy enough to pick up again but I'm not sure I want to go back to my old job...they've actually written to me this week asking about 'my intentions'. Trouble is they've been so sweet about me chucking sick notes in since my mat leave ended in December while Ant was recovering from his final op that I feel a bit awful about turning round now and saying 'Here's my notice!. Know what I mean??? Lou x

♫ Penny €

♫ Penny € Report 6 Jan 2005 23:38

Hi Yep - been there - I had to take off extra time off work when my youngest was ill in hospital (a Few times!) but at the end of the day you have to think what works best for you & the kids!! Enjoy them while you can. Penny