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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Unknown

Unknown Report 15 Jan 2005 15:36

Can I just say to the 3 people who have taken in on themselves to send me private e mails slagging me off for comments I made earlier on the thread...mainly about feeling rejected by my birth mother by being given up for adoption and being cynical about the fact she got married again so quickly and had more children only months after she placed me for adoption... You do not know the facts. I have my adoption file and I know the circumstances surrounding my adoption. I am entitled to my own personal opinion, views and feelings and I shared these on here with fellow adoptees who have shared the same opinions, views and emotions over the years in one situation or another. I will continue to express these with the people who have supported me over the last few weeks while I have been making the decision with regards to tracing her and contacting her. If you don't like my opinions, tough, but keep yours to yourself. The NEXT nasty e mail I get I will post it to this board with your name attached for everyone to see Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 15 Jan 2005 17:06

Well done Lou. Well said. Some people do not, will not, and cannot understand. There are lots of us here that do, so please carry on, name and shaming is not such a bad idea- then we know who to look out for. Love Jessx

Sue (Sylvia Z )

Sue (Sylvia Z ) Report 15 Jan 2005 17:55

Lou, I can't believe the cheek of some people, who are they to pass judgement? Hopefully we have all been VERY supportive of one another on this thread and to criticise a person for their individual feelings is just not on. Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now!! Well done for posting your letter, when I wrote to someone who turned out not to be my mother, I was like you, shall I, shan't I post this letter. However, the waiting for a reply is soooo hard. This lady took two weeks to reply and I nearly hugged our postman when I saw I had a reply. You don't have to be so extreme!! Fingers, toes and everything crossed for you. love Sue X

Unknown

Unknown Report 15 Jan 2005 19:18

Oh, the messages were delightful. I've just treated Penny to the content of the 1st one and I'm sure she'll agree it was pretty horrific. And that was the best of the lot, the other 2 were worse! Lou

Unknown

Unknown Report 15 Jan 2005 19:26

Hi Lou, have emailed you. How disgraceful that people should interfere when the adoptee is the ONLY one who knows what is in their birth records. Our circumstances are all different - my birth mother is one of the most cruel people I have ever come across. Having been the victim of 'private' messages via the General board, I know how hurtful and upsetting this can be. Don't let these three people get you down - there are so many more who understand. Love Mandy :)

Amanda,

Amanda, Report 15 Jan 2005 19:35

Hi Lou, You have done it, well done for being brave, it does take some nerve. I stood and looked at the post box for a few minutes afterwards wondering if it was the right thing to do, but it was already posted so too late to change my mind. I understand exactly how you must be feeling this weekend and just wanted to wish you well. I got my reply one day just before I went to work, I knew I would be upset if it was not good news, so off I went and left it in my bag all day, unread. It was one of the longest days of my life. Sorry to hear you have had e mails, but your reply was a good one, am sure you won't get another one. Very best wishes Amanda

♫ Penny €

♫ Penny € Report 15 Jan 2005 19:37

Hi I couldn't believe someone (especially someone who doesn't know you) could be SO nasty. I'm speechless. Good luck Lou Penny

Shelli4

Shelli4 Report 15 Jan 2005 20:12

hi Lou Not having been in the same boat as you I can only hazard a guess at to your thoughts and your feelings. Even then I daresay I'd be miles out!! LOL At the end of the day you entitled to your opinion, if that doesn't agree with someone else then TOUGH!!!. How can anyone who doesn't even know you tell you what to think? it would be bad enough coming from a close friend. We live in a free country and can express our views, imagine if we all agreed what a boring world this would be!!!

Sheila

Sheila Report 15 Jan 2005 20:31

HI Lou, Just wanted to give you my support every case is individual and no one should judge others I have also e-mailed you direct. Fingers crossed for you, for a happy outcome. Sheila

Sheila

Sheila Report 15 Jan 2005 21:08

Hi All, Have just seen part of the message sent to Lou, and I am totally disgusted. Needless to say the people who sent this have not had the courage of their convictions and have changed their name to avoid being caught. This thread has been a warm compasionate thread so far, do not let anyone change that, lets just remember we are here to support each other! Best Wishes to you all. Sheila

Unknown

Unknown Report 15 Jan 2005 23:47

Hi Lou Just wanted to support what you've said - no-one has the right to judge our reactions to and feelings about either are birth families or our birth records. People who haven't the courage to give an opinion publicly aren't worth worrying about. Really hope you gain some satisfaction from your letter - you deserve it for being so brave:) David

Unknown

Unknown Report 15 Jan 2005 23:55

Hi All Thanks to everyone for all your great messages, both on the thread and those who've PM'd me and emailed me at home! I do a tough job - I'm a Clinical Psychologist who specialises in therapy with abused children on the Child Protection Register and children who are being fostered/adopted or returned to their families after a period of seperation for various reasons (usually short term foster care cos the parents have been in prison) - but those e mails really shook me. I certainly didn't need them on the day I make the decision to post the letters and make contact. As Penny, Sheila, Mandy and Elizabeth (who have seen them) will agree, they are quite disgusting and the language is something that would shock even a football stadium when the team has lost. Anyone else interested in their content, let me know and I will share some snippets with you! Lou

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 16 Jan 2005 07:03

Go for it Lou - trust your heart. As a researcher that helps adoptees find their families - if you want to give sh*t to anyone then send it to me. I often get asked 'who am I to play God?' My answer is 'I am fairy godmother and want to give everyone the right and the chance to say not interested'. At the end of the day if you don't ask, you won't find out. If you ain't been there, don't get on your high horses and judge people. In the work I do, I don't have the right to judge anyone in what they chose to do and neither should anyone judge others no matter what. Think of people's feelings in all of this - everyone has their own very difficult decisions to make when it comes to the adoption triad. As an adoptive mother I 'chose' to bring our son's natural mother into our lives and have to say we and his natural family have a wonderful relationship. Don't knock what you don't know!!!! I have SUCCESSFULLY reunited more people than rejections - rejections are few and far between. I support, wholeheartedly, and will continue to support everyone (on this board and elsewhere) seeking their family. I was contacted this afternoon by an adoptee seeking his family and within 2 hours was able to tell him that I knew where his family were. Only time will tell me if his family want to know. Joan joanallan at ntlworld (short for Dorothy and first three letters of combined)

Unknown

Unknown Report 16 Jan 2005 08:27

Adoption searching is an emotional minefield at the best of times without anyone interfering and sending nasty and ill-informed messages. I too have seen one of Lou's messages, it is disgusting, and she is incredibly brave to still be around on the board - I would have curled up in a corner sobbing if I'd received it. And the rollercoaster ride doesn't finish on contact with the birth family ... it can take a long, long time for emotional scars to heal. I'm sure the majority of birth mothers gave up their babies unwillingly and are heartbroken by having to make that choice, but there are still some out there who have lied, cheated, slept around and still continue to turn the knife. Thinking of you Lou - and anyone else who is currently making contact with birth family members. Mandy xx

The Bag

The Bag Report 16 Jan 2005 08:32

DONT FORGET: 2nd Part of LOVE CHILD ITV 11.15pm TONIGHT. Jessx

Michelle

Michelle Report 16 Jan 2005 13:05

i was adopted in the 60's and i was a twin, a few years ago i found my birth mother and i am now in the process of looking for my father. i contact social services and after a chat with them i was given a copy of my paper work and the information on there is diffrent to what my birth mother told me, ie: who was born first me or my sister and what time we were born and where we were born. i found it very difficult to "bond" with my birth mother as she never wanted to give us up and 6 months after she gave us up shse met a bloke who she is still with and he would have taken us on as his own so she wanted to be my Mum again which i did not want, my sister and i were one of the lucky ones as i have talked to people who have had nightmare experiances, however i had a fantastic up bringing with great parents who supported me 100% in my quest to find out who i was, i wish anyone luck who is looking for their birth parents it is not always bad you just have to work out what you want from the person first .

Sheila

Sheila Report 16 Jan 2005 13:37

Hi Lou, As I said to you I do not othink these e-mails are from 3 people but from 1 person who for whatever reason changed their name and tried to upset you with what they said. However, I think your going to be ok :O) anyone who has already been through this knows you have to be pretty tough to take on this emotional roller coaster anyway! Put it down to a bad experience and continue with your search, and if you know if you need any support, you will continue to get that from all of us on this thread. No- one is saying every search is going to be a bed of roses, but only the person concerned can decide if they want to proceed with this, we all have different experiences on here, but hopefully, we won't sit in judgement of each other, but try to offer help and advice where needed. Good Luck to all of your still searching! Sheila

Cheryl

Cheryl Report 16 Jan 2005 14:57

hi i have been looking for my half brother for years now with no success i leave details on all the adpotion boards but as yet no luck. i suppose it doesnt help that i dont know his surname etc only all his details before he was adopted. ive never thought that he wouldnt want to meet us or having anything to do with us i have always wondered about him and wanted to find him since i found out when i was 9 years old. but reading some of the posts on here i relise that maybe he just dosent want to be found yet! or maybe he has looked into our family and disided to that he dosent want any contact? which would be a shame my mum had to have jason adopted through no fault of her own but as a single mum living still at home and my nan having a baby the same year she didnt have a lot of choice as she had no help from anyone(and later found after my nans death that an order signed by my nan to have jason adopted so it would have been taken out of her hands anyway) i also have an immune diffancey which is heraditory i have it and 4 of my children have i would be interested to find out if jason has it or if he has children do they have it none of my other family have it. so if any one has any suggestions then please just leave a message for me to read thanks

Sheila

Sheila Report 16 Jan 2005 15:24

Hi Cheryl, Don't give up hope just yet, the staitstics show that men generally look into their birth familes at an older age than women, but there is also the possability that he may not know he was adopted, (not everyone does). Even then he could still find out one day by coming across his orignal cert or adoption records, one thing I would mention though, is his adoption society may agree to try and trace him and forward on a letter to him especially with relation to the health issues you mention. Have you contacted them? Each society will vary a bit on its policy but that should definatly be on your agenda to see if they will help. You may have to intend a informal interview with them, for them to acertain your intentions, and then they generally have to have a formal meeting with the rest of the comittee, but its defiantly worth a try. Hope this helps. Best Wishes Sheila

The Bag

The Bag Report 16 Jan 2005 15:58

Hi Cheryl again, the flip side here, which of course help those that are undecided as to search or not- you'd love to be found by the brother given away. I was adopted as one of three, my brother has no desire to know 'who he is' , or not yet anyway (aged almost 40) My other brother died so i often wonder if his birth mother wonders about him, and of course will never know because of the way the law stands. Have you put him name on our list? He might see it. Jess