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narcissistic mothers

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Sep 2012 15:37

Hmmm. What are they for exactly?

Still thinking.


Trying to think of a use for them.


This is really hard.


"What are Narcissists for exactly?"

BEATS ME :-P :-P

Merlin

Merlin Report 16 Sep 2012 14:19

Sharron, the Description of these People???? Putting it on here would be a Breach of R&R and would no doubt get a Lifetime Ban. So just think,**&%£****@*** .com.**M**.

Sharron

Sharron Report 16 Sep 2012 12:01

What are narcissists for exactly?!!!!!!!!!

Good for you for being behind her Hazel. There was no.of course about it.You can be sure I would have been making the journey to Hell unaccompanied by my mother.

I knew the way anyway.She had sent me there so often.

hazel

hazel Report 16 Sep 2012 11:44

well, (deep sigh) my daughter was married to a narcissist personality, it took her, and me of course, to the doors of hell. the manipulation, cruelty,abuse, yet he was the "smiley" one to the world. he destroyed her legal career, brought her to financial ruin. she tried to "keep the family together" and suffer herself, but of course i,t ended halfway across the world. he is still managing to control and manipulate the two children, now young adults, but the pattern of behaviour stays the same.he hasn't paid a penny for the children, yet manages to make them feel his is still "dad", while my daughter works herself into the ground in an attempt to keep a roof over their heads. once a narcissist always a narcissistis.

Sharron

Sharron Report 16 Sep 2012 11:08

Just by way of a little celebration.

Mine died sixteen wonderful years ago today.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Sep 2012 11:05

From the sibling

"Why don't you just die"

Sharron

Sharron Report 16 Sep 2012 08:30

You never,

I always have to,

Then there was the insulting description( e.g:- you self-centred little bugger),followed by the instruction.always beginning with "now" (now,do that job I have been putting off because I didn't want to do it so I have made it look like it is your duty to do it).

moonbi

moonbi Report 16 Sep 2012 02:47

"you want me to give up hope? "

"you don't really mean that, do you?'

I remember always the deflective questions starting with YOU.

and as a child my younger sibling often said, "You're a mole, so go live in a hole."

I really don't want to remember these sayings,

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 15 Sep 2012 14:26

How strange Sharron. Maybe it was a phrase of the time.

I well remember my sibling when I was twelve-ish and on into my early teens.

"You working class slut" THUMP

Sorry things were sh***y for you too.

Sharron

Sharron Report 14 Sep 2012 21:10

We pretty much lived in squalor and I can remember, at the age of about nine, having the face screwed up and breathing stale faggy smells at me from about a foot away.

The enlightening phrase being spat out at the time was"You little slut,you little trollop."

Not words I use daily,

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 14 Sep 2012 18:24

From the male parent

"Damn you"

"Leave the damned dog alone"

"Do as you're damned-well told"

"Damn you"

"You'll do as you're damned-well told if you know what's good for you"

Hmmm. Guess which word in the dictionary upsets me most.

xxJ

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 14 Sep 2012 17:25

Sorreeeeeeee Sharron

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 13 Sep 2012 21:50

Hi Cane,

Sorry not to have replied when I said I would. List of excuses.

I went to the female parent's funeral. We went in after everyone else and sat at the back. I even parked around the corner, almost out of sight so that I could watch the coffin leave the house and then went a slightly different route and got to the cemetary and went into a different car park from where I knew vehicles attending the actual funeral parked on a drive.

At the end of the service at the Crem, everyone filed out. My sibling saw us and came and gave me a hug. No idea if the male parent saw it but friends and neighbours did. When everyone including him was looking at the flowers, hubby and the kids went over there. Hubby tells me that went and spoke to the male parent just to say sorry about the female parent's death. I went and sat in the loo. I didn't want to see or speak to anyone. Eventually I came out and then he must still have been there. Now either before I went to be by myself or afterwards, because I don't remember, one of his ex-neighbours came over and told me to go and speak to him. I refused so she grabbed me by the wrist and made to pull me. Twice I told her to let go of me please. The second time, another neighbour told her to not try to make me and she did let go. But by that time I was wondering what I was going to have to say to her to make her loose hold of me.

I was sad I suppose that she was dead. But it was what she had wanted for some time and her condition was so awful that it wasn't living. She wanted away from him too I think.

But she had died in my eyes about thirteen years before. I was expecting child two. It was Feb 1997 and one day she was at my house. She said something to me incredibly nasty. But it was also the way she said it. She had been getting more unpleasant for long time but it was a shock to realise just how much she hated and disliked me. After that, there was just someone wearing her skin and who had her voice but it wasn't her. That day she totally destroyed everything I believed in about mothers. It changed the way I was with my daughter. I didn't believe in mothers any more. I cried a lot. I cried every night for months. It was grief because she died suddenly in front of me that afternoon.

Things never changed. The next decade wasn't good and I'm scared and scarred from it. Then I ended up without any intention on my part of becoming carer to both parents. My life was a nightmare and worse quite honestly was having to help to lift her, help her to walk and then almost lift her into the car. Then I'd have to lean across and put the seatbelt on. It was all physical contact which I didn't want.

After the funeral people went back to the parent's house where my sibling had put on a buffet. I do a pretty mean salad platter and she had me do one for her. I also did the memorial A4 turned into a 2-side 4-page Order of Service.

My lovely friend Jo who is a writer and poet helped me to write a memorial poem just for her. It's posted on GR. This is the link. http://www.genesreunited.co.uk/boards/board/general_chat/thread/1255692?page=6

When she was alive I did everything I could except for the last few months. But she was being well cared for in a home and then after her second stroke in hospital. If her welfare had been in danger, maybe I'd have stuck around but there was no telling how long I'd be stuck caring for both of them if they took themselves back home. It was non-stop and I'd had enough. I was a mess and knew I was heading for a heart attack, breakdown or stroke myself and I owed it to my own family who the parents totally disregarded to walk away.

I was sad on the day of the funeral but hubby and kids made a fuss of me. I was more sad as I frequently am, not for the life I had, but the life I would have like to have had; the life that others had. I try not to think about it too often but sometimes I still can't believe how bad things were, how bad they became, and how it all ended.

I'll come back and talk about what happened when he died but I didn't go near his funeral. Regrets for how I went to hers and not going to his? No. I was true to myself. I had done everything I could when they were alive to help. I'd had nothing but abuse and never ending critisism. I never regretted walking away either. My consience was clear then and still is clear. If you think that you can live with yourself afterwards if you don't go to the funeral, then don't go. However, if you are still wondering if you can stay away or not, I'm guessing that you haven't been pushed quite all the way yet and that may still happen. It's no easy decision to make. I felt that it was right to attend hers but not his. I was still undecided when cousins told me about something that he had done which if I'd known about whilst he was still alive, would have had it out with him. That was when I knew for certain that to go to his funeral would have been total hypocrasy on my part. I'm a lot of things but hopefully not a hypocrite.

It's been a long day and I need sleep. As a recovering insomniac, I can't allow myself to get so tired that I can't sleep. Too tired means demons kick in and I daren't let that happen.

Hope you liked the poem.

xxJ



Sharron

Sharron Report 13 Sep 2012 13:59

YES. And "you and your imagination"!


Bringing it all back now.

That's good of you.(irony)

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 13 Sep 2012 13:16

Sharron - having read your post - the words 'vivid imagination' immediately came to me, evidently that phrase imprinted itself more than all the others.

Sharron

Sharron Report 13 Sep 2012 09:04

There are certain words and phrases that I rarely use and which I still start at.They are words or phrases that would have been hurled at me on a daily basis.

I doubt I have said the word detestable more than ten times in my life.I heard it a million.

wisechild

wisechild Report 13 Sep 2012 07:16

I find that the biggest problem is my reaction to my husband if he chances to say or do something that would have been typical of my mother.
For instance he will sometimes, with the best intentions, insist on doing something I can easily do for myself & all I hear is my mother telling me that i´m not capable of doing it.
We´ve only been married for 3 years. so we´re still getting used to each other & the adjustment isn´t easy when you´re in your 60s.
This horrible feeling of "here we go again" doesn´t help.

Sharron

Sharron Report 12 Sep 2012 22:40

Too right it is.

moonbi

moonbi Report 12 Sep 2012 22:39

Thanks Sharron
yes Ive been reading up on this for a couple of days and its helped a lot.

Knowledge is power. Ive written a list of my coping strategies
and another list of my goals.

My main concern is to stop second guessing myself and have the confidence to be ok with decision I have made to separate. Im not at risk of physical harm, but I do feel that I am still manipulated , even though I have made boundaries.

Sharron

Sharron Report 12 Sep 2012 22:24

Have you read the article?

I found it gave the whole horrible mess some sort of shape,

Prolonged hypnotherapy.