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narcissistic mothers

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 1 Jul 2012 11:58

Hi Sharron,

I hear you. I couldn't read any of the replies you have so you have my respect for being able to do so. I just knew I would be too upset. Isn't it like the sun coming out from behind dark clouds to have someone tell your story for you and all the release that gives?

All the secrets that we had to keep. I didn't really understand it all then. Just that to talk about family was forbidden.

I can't abide lies and secrets even now. They breed all sorts of possibilities and how can we expect our children to know the safe and dangerous ones? When daughter was growing up I always told her that there are good secrets (eg Christmas presents) and bad secrets and if she was ever asked to keep a secret and it felt wrong, that was a bad secret and did not have to be kept and she should tell me or her dad.

Chris, how are you doing?

For years now I have held out a hope that someone will ring from a show like Jeremy Kyle to tell me that I was adopted and I actually have a real family out there who want me.

And now to make you laugh :-D

I keep asking hubby if he will pay for a DNA test for me to prove I got mixed up at birth because my attitudes and values are so different, I just can't belong to the parents. In reply, he tells me no point as I was born at home so no chance of being swapped. I just tell him he is being tight with his money :-D

Sharron

Sharron Report 30 Jun 2012 23:56

As I have said before,I could never articulate the problem before finding that wonderful article.

The person who was in care,who wrote one of the nasty replies, has a readily available labelled package to use even if they had the most supportive and loving foster parents for their entire childhood. Care equals suffering just like mother equals loving.

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 30 Jun 2012 23:13

I was told very regularly how lucky I was to have a Mummy - so much so that when I discovered what adoption was - I hoped my real Mummy was out there!!

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 30 Jun 2012 23:09

Didn't read the replies.

But there is always someone who can claim worse in relation to anything. Some are genuine (a friend of mine who endured so much springs to mind), and some just want to feel in some way more hard done by or more deserving of attention.

I mean didn't we have a thread a few weeks ago talking about people who, if for example, you claim to have broken a finger nail, they've actually broken their finger. Or if you twisted your ankle but managed to still get the shopping done, they broke their leg in three places and still managed to run the London Marathon before having it set. In our house we refer to it as a p'ing contest.

Maybe the person making the comments has never been able to disclose what happened to them. Maybe they resent that the journo had the opportunity to do so. Or sadly, maybe what he or she went through really was far worse. I don't recall the lass talking about physical or sexual abuse so perhaps the person who replied went through just that but has no appreciation of how destructive emotional abuse can be too. So whoever that is, we should include her or him in our thoughts for all those going through it :-(

Sharron

Sharron Report 30 Jun 2012 21:37

But they are expressing opinions that we have all encountered.

Many of us stopped trying to tell people how unhappy we were,if we ever tried, because we were shouted down by the very type of person who would write one of those letters.

Luxury. my dad used to kill me every day!

AnninGlos

AnninGlos Report 30 Jun 2012 21:32

The reason I said ignore the letters is that the people that write answers to things in the newspapers are like the trolls on here. They do it to attract attention to how clever they are Our local paper is the worst. People are so rude it is hard to believe.

Sharron

Sharron Report 30 Jun 2012 21:27

On a more realistic note. Replies in the vain of 'you don't know how lucky you are' are one of the reasons that narcissism is such a secret form of abuse.

I was always told how lucky I was to have my own room.Maybe I was but I still would have liked a bit of company for some of the many hours I spent in it.

The fact that my life looked acceptable to the outside world did not make my misery any less.

AnninGlos

AnninGlos Report 30 Jun 2012 21:17

Mmm! :-D

Sharron

Sharron Report 30 Jun 2012 20:47

Which would be the way to get me to look at them first!

Perhaps my mother was right after all.

AnninGlos

AnninGlos Report 30 Jun 2012 20:30

Oh must have been after I looked at it. I did say ignore the letters!!

Sharron

Sharron Report 30 Jun 2012 20:29

Yes, one of the replies.

AnninGlos

AnninGlos Report 30 Jun 2012 20:21

Sharron, not sure what you mean, do you mean in the paper?

Sharron

Sharron Report 30 Jun 2012 20:17

Interesting that somebody just had to say how they had had it worse. Of course, but your worse doesn't necessarily make mine better!

AnninGlos

AnninGlos Report 30 Jun 2012 17:06

While not about narcissistic mothers there is a very interesting article in the D M paper that you might like to read.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2166642/Private-trauma-star-shocking-ad-campaign.html

However I suggest you ignore the vindictive letters in reply to the article by people with no compassion or anything better to do.

Sharron

Sharron Report 29 Jun 2012 20:33

Jill, for a start, you don't have to ask me if it alright. I am not in charge,I just indicated where to find the article that had such a profound effect on me that I wanted to share it with others who might also benefit.

Second, and I hope everybody else would agree with me,if it is helping you to come to terms with your abuse then it is helping and you really must put everything you need to on this thread.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 29 Jun 2012 20:24

Chris you have got it in one. You learn not to speak to other people about yourself and your family so there are never conversations questioning how things are with you.

It wasn't until I met my now hubby and then his parents who made no secret of what lovely things they thought of me and how much they loved me, and that their love was unconditional, that I realised what I had never had. But it all started to sink in and the memories came flooding back when I had our daughter. It wasn't only their attitude towards her but I realised how differently I treated he compared to how I had been. If one experience brought it home to me more than any other one it was the day she had annoyed me. I don't even remember why now but I was annoyed and I thought that she ought to be grateful to be allowed to live. I was shocked at what I'd thought. I hadn't even realised I'd spent my life trying to make up for not dying as I was supposed to when I was a baby. And if I haven't already shared that one somewhere. The parents couldn't afford a third child but I had been born an unwanted girl. If I had died, they could have had another child which may have been a boy.

I've always wondered why my parents had children. Maybe they had this totally unrealistic expectation but whatever, we were both a very big disappointment to them. I went one way and became the black sheep for trying to be a better person with drastically different values. The sibling made her own choices.

Sharron, if any of this helps, I'll keep going. But at any time, please say Enough Jill. You can shut up now. :-D

Sharron

Sharron Report 29 Jun 2012 16:59

Jill, I hope that by sharing with others who have experienced similar that you are learning that the shame is not yours.

Over the years I was told how I had wasted so many oportunities but now realize that I could not have taken them anyway. I had so many other things to do that others didn't. I had a child to bring up for a start. My mother's only child,me.

I was not dirty and scruffy because I was a lazy little git. I was seven, I had not been told how to wash myself properly and I was not old enough to do my own washing.

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 29 Jun 2012 14:31

Trouble is Ann that those of us caught in these traps - knew no better - it was the norm.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 29 Jun 2012 12:32

Just read that report. Scary on so many fronts.

Sharron. Mention abuse and everyone assumes only either sexual or physical or both. Emotional abuse is invisible therefore it is never considered.

I often wondered if things would have been different if I'd just been whacked on the outside instead of on the inside. Would the pain of it all have been as fleeting as the actual pain? Of course it wouldn't and I recognise that now. The pain of emotional and physical abuse is different but each is equally distructive. Most people blessed with a 'normal' childhood can understand the effects of physical abuse because that is physical pain and everyone has been in pain at some time or another.

But how can I, as someone who looks and acts as normally as possible, explain that I am struck with fear at being with new people and that I am panicing inside and just want to run and hide. I have no scars to show you that say 'this person was told that she was so dreadful that no one could ever bear to see or speak to her'. In the end, unless it was necessary I chose not to speak. Every word I spoke was analysed for inflection, correct usage, show of emotion (forbidden) and in the end there was no point in speaking at all. And there are years and years more of being destroyed inside. But, I say again, it is all inside.

Psychiatrists of psychologists will use all the crap kids went through to explain criminal behaviour at the time or in later years so they seem to get it then. But hey," you've got through it, you have two lovely children so you've got over it".

Just because I haven't turned into a criminal myself, doesn't mean I'm not screaming inside.

I'm kind of happy to share this stuff because if others can benefit I'm glad. But the important thing for everyone to know is, that although it can take years to move forward, it is possible.

xJ

AnninGlos

AnninGlos Report 29 Jun 2012 11:51

I feel so sorry for all of you who had a sad, unpleasant and even frightening childhood and teenage years (and beyond). I give thanks that I had a happy childhood, strict but loving parents. Until I read this thread I had no idea how many families were not like mine. <3

((((((hugs))))))to all of you and well done on sharing and helping each other.