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narcissistic mothers

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Sharron

Sharron Report 29 Jun 2012 09:03

Many counsellors don't know what they are dealing with, it is such a secret form of abuse,

I just hope I am doing a bit of good by trying to make it as publicly known as possible. The more people who know it exists, the less oportunity to keep it secret.

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 29 Jun 2012 03:39

I saw a counsellor just after my mother died.

She didn't help much.

Every time I started to talk about things that had happened, she interupted and starting talking about what happened to HER!

So I had to pay to listen to her. I hope I helped :-) Maybe I should have sent her a bill.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 28 Jun 2012 15:32

Scozz. The breakthrough for me was an internet friend actually asking me if I realised I was presenting as a typical abuse victim. She also pointed me in the direction of some things to read about like the various personality disorders. It was as though all the responsibility and all the blame was taken off my shoulders. Not one bit of it was my fault.

I will never be the person I could have been had I not lived my life in fear. I'm not the brightest star in the Galaxy but if I had been able to learn freely and to even be allowed to have my own thoughts and opinions, without fear of words from him or a beating from my sibling, maybe I could have achieved more than I have. But it went beyond that to being totally controlled and still a level of control continued right up until I walked away.

And walking away and not giving into the threats hubby and I received - the consequences if we failed to obey made me the strong one. No one before or afterwards ever stood up to him.It made him unable to control and his already paranoid hatred of me just exploded. And then, after his death my abusive sibling who had come back on the scene and played the nice kind sibling and fooled me totally, went back to her true self. She only pretended to be nice to get her hands on all the money. Nearly the last time we spoke, she made it very clear that we are nothing to her and never will be.

And the only part of that I am to blame for is my own stupidity at being taken in by her.

I've moved on as much as it is possible to. What is left to me is to work through, and come to terms with is knowing only some of the lies they told relatives and neighbours (some refuse to speak to me now), the absolute denial of the years I spent looking after them (regardless of nurses and doctors and surgery receptionists as witnesses), doing everything I could to make their lives easier, including subsidising their income. The female parent even accused me of illtreating her to my face, in the presence of my cousins. In fact my sibling now also denies that she stayed away and let me do it all. According to her, she was exhausted after spending years looking after them

Some days, when I'm off-guard the feeling of total betrayal sneaks up on me. It's hard to deal with because I will never understand how I deserved to be treated that way.

I am so lucky to have hubby. Without him and his love and strength and the happy life we have together, I would probably drown emotionally. Every day I tell my kids how much I love them. I can't imagine ever doing to them what was done to me <3.

I am proof that all this cr*p can happen and you can survive and be happy.

J

MargarettawasMargot

MargarettawasMargot Report 28 Jun 2012 12:36

Gentle hugs to Jillian, Val, Sharon,and for anyone who needs them,to soothe away the hurt and pain that you all have suffered.

Take care,stay strong,

Margot.xx <3 <3 <3 <3

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 28 Jun 2012 11:35

scary stuff. I think those who had a "normal" childhood are in the minority.

I grew up thinking I was ugly, because I was told it often enough. I'm no Miss Universe, but I'm not that scary looking. OH thinks I'm gorgeous, and that's what counts <3

When you realise what happend to you as a child was NOT your fault, that's the day you start to let go of it all. But it never leaves completely.

Sharron

Sharron Report 28 Jun 2012 11:09

I have just read through some of these posts and I am crying again but it is a good cry. It is not the tight ,angry ,frustrated crying that filled so much of my life but a letting go cry.

It is that article that I have to thank for this and I hope it helps others on here to reach a point of crying like this.

None of us deserve any of this.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline Report 27 Jun 2012 22:59

I was abused as a child until leaving home but by father not mother.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 27 Jun 2012 21:49

My turn to nudge this up I think.

Hi to all. Stay strong. We have each other.

xxJ

Jean (Monmouth)

Jean (Monmouth) Report 8 Jun 2012 15:00

I agree, Chris, there will be new members who can take heart from this thread, and know that they are not imagining their problems with a parent. AT 77, I still feel the hurt that my mother inflicted on me all those years ago.

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 8 Jun 2012 13:31

This thread must keep going. It has been a help to many including myself.

Sharron

Sharron Report 8 Jun 2012 13:24

Have come upon an article called 'The Mirror Seaks in the Mother-Daughter Connection' on the Psychology Today site.

I think it is worth a look.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 2 Jun 2012 15:24

Here's the one for male parents. I'm so badly bruised I can't use the 'f' word.

http://www.angriesout.com/grown17.htm

I wasn't able to read everything on this page. If I go too close to anything like this sort of article my head starts to pound and it sounds daft but if the text or page is too complicated it makes me feel panicy. My brain is okay with reading on Wiki and I've just realised why; the text is simple and there is no background. So I can read and stay calm.

This is the criteria on Wiki for Sadistic Personality Disorder although I have read that some people don't recognise it as there are various or similar conditions.

So if someone you know ticks four out of the eight that person has SPD. My male parent fits 2 to 8 perfectly.

A) A pervasive pattern of cruel, demeaning, and aggressive behavior, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by the repeated occurrence of at least four of the following:

1.Has used physical cruelty or violence for the purpose of establishing dominance in a relationship (not merely to achieve some non-interpersonal goal, such as striking someone in order to rob him/her).
2.Humiliates or demeans people in the presence of others.
3.Has treated or disciplined someone under his/her control unusually harshly.
4.Is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological or physical suffering of others (including animals).
5.Has lied for the purpose of harming or inflicting pain on others (not merely to achieve some other goal).
6.Gets other people to do what he/she wants by frightening them (through intimidation or even terror).
7.Restricts the autonomy of people with whom he or she has a close relationship, e.g., will not let spouse leave the house unaccompanied.
8.Is fascinated by violence, weapons, injury, or torture.

He hated me, my sibling hated me. I'm not sure that the female parent was capable of love either but now I know what her life was like with him, I feel sorry for her. That said, despite doing so much for them especially in their last few years, she learned from him to hate me as much as he did.

Her doctor, their neighbours and friends got told wicked lies by her about me. I was there when she told her doctor some of them. Looking me straight in my eyes one day, in front of two cousins she said that I had mistreated her.

Just one of her friends believed me because she says that the female parent confessed to having done something wicked to me but wouldn't tell her what.

I wish I could come back and share something later. Not sure if I can. It's an afternoon that I have learned to keep parts of in a mental cupboard. I refuse to think about certain things that she did and said. I just can't go there.

You know I was very sorry for those kids who died in that fire in Derby. I wasn't shocked as some seemed to be though, because like many of you on here, we have seen the cruelty that a parent can inflict on a child.

Going out for a while to forget.J



Sharron

Sharron Report 1 Jun 2012 23:07

Resurrected for somebody who needs it.

PiersFromKent

PiersFromKent Report 16 Apr 2012 15:52

So very sad Jillian. It's difficult to understand how any parent can behave in such a way.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Apr 2012 15:46

Maybe didn't want daughters. Male parent made clear with one of eariest memories I wasn't wanted. Wanted boy, would never forgive me for not being. Don't remember who told me around same time I guess that parents could not afford third child. I was supposed to die so they could have another which might be son. All my life I was never forgiven or allowed to forget I am not supposed to exist and had to make up for it all.

Both parents gone now. No relationship with sibling truly chip off old block.

No more. Learning to come to terms with abuse but never understanding how person can hate their kids so much. He, sibling always hated. female parent remember as okay sometimes. Then taught to hate me as much as he did. Both died hating me. Sibling still alive. She hates me. She hates her husband. Treats him badly. Lots of bad language and put downs. My marriage good. Kids good. Happy family. Parents, sibling hated even more me being happy. Continued to try to destroy. Didn't work.

Am stressed so going to bake. Female parent made decent cakes. I make good cakes, everybody loves. Female parent would have hated that.

J

PiersFromKent

PiersFromKent Report 16 Apr 2012 15:25

Many years ago I dated a young lady who was the eldest of three children - she had a sister 2 years younger and a brother who was 5 years her junior. The mother was really odd and I couldn't for the life of me work out what was going on with her. At times she 'appeared' quite normal, but then she would go into some kind of depression and take everything out on her husband and two daughters, by not speaking to them. However, she would carry on speaking with her son.... very strange. This would go on for months and when I paid a visit I didn't even receive the courtesy of an 'hello'. I really felt sorry for my gf at the time because she said that when little she would worry all day when at school as to whether her mum would be speaking or not. She said that her mum would never listen to her or her sister read (aged 5 or so) - but always her brother. In the same way the mother would buy sweets for the son, but not for his sisters. Lots more I could say unfortunately. So, I was wondering what you folk think....was that mother narcisstic?

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Apr 2012 15:11

Example of abuse from sibling. Depending on her mood, would follow me when I went to the toilet. Stood outside door listening. If I made a sound doing what I needed to do, beating followed.

Expert at contact where wouldn't be seen so took a lot of punishment to head under hair. Had I told parents, wouldn't have been believed anyway and consequences would have been severe, if not from her, then male parent.

Grew up not knowing one day to the next if I would be allowed to live or not. Didn't realise couldn't just be got rid of or thrown out on streets.

J

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Apr 2012 15:05

Not been able to read much of this thread. Too close to home in many ways. So much abuse, secrets and lies in my life. Some days I can't believe my own story.

Chris. I came on here to say had the 'you are lucky to have such lovely parents' No one ever saw what went on in that house. Actually I did talk to someone once and I learned my lesson not to. It was ex-colleague of male parent, became a driving instructor after redundancy, taught me, sibling and female parent to drive, became family friend along with his wife. They came to visit me in hospital after my daughter was born. Told them a bit then. One day at their house began to tell whole story. From that moment on, they wanted nothing to do with me or my kids. Stayed close friends with parents and sibling though.

Janet

Janet Report 16 Apr 2012 11:29

The article in the Mail on Sunday was informative.

It pointed me in the direction of a problem that I had with one of my siblings a couple of years ago. After being close for over sixty years the' grandiose sense of self importance' part of the complaint surfaced again as usual, normally I have gone along with the conversation, but just for once I tried to quietly say how things really were- in the real world as they say-.my sibling left and I have never seen him since. I don't have a problem with the separation, in fact it came almost as a relief. -jl

Sharron

Sharron Report 15 Apr 2012 21:58

There is an article about narcissism in the Review section of the Mail on Sunday this week.