General Chat

Has anyone else been approached to tell their story in a magazine ?
What would you do ?

I've said no ,as I dont think I could condense a lifetimes worth of experiences into a short story.and sensationalise it.
My mother always kept extensive diaries and when I get my hands on them I would like to investigate, "what makes a narcissist tick." and only then publish.

Yes,I have. My opinion is that I would not want to star in anything but would like the problem to star.It is such a secret at the moment and that is how it flourishes.We were conditioned to keep quiet because,of course,it was all down to our badness anyway.
If plenty of us could contribute it would make it known that the problem is everywhere,otherwise it could look like the imaginings of some bitter and twisted individual.Just like your mum always said it was.
It needs to be brought into the open,people need to be able to recognize it and whoever wrote that article needs to be made a saint as soon as possible!

Carole I know exactly where you are coming from with the card. I went into a card shop the other day to buy a gift bag and the displays made me feel ill. I get around the verses these days because I make all my own cards and avoid anything beyond the neccesary. I send one because it ensures a quiet life where as mum-in-law does get one sent with love.

I also have trouble relating to females as friends, those i have had for any length of time tend to have been tomboyish when I met them. Although until I left home for university male friends were a no no too because she had to flirt with them. I actually bit back and told her to stop flirting with my OH after he commented to me about her behaviour - one of the few times I've bitten back it has to be said.


I decided at about 15 that I would never give her grandchildren, after she asked me one day to promise that I'd tell her when 'it' happened (it being the obvious and the one thing that a bookish teenager without a boyfriend is unlikely to be doing) Best form of contraception ever though kept me well away from the boys until I was well away from her. Now at almost 33 I think I would have the strength to deny her contact if (and it is still a big if) I do ever have children

Never bought mine a card.Usually a box of chocolates so she could shovel them in all evening while graciously offering one at some point if you were lucky.

Saved up y Saturday job money and bought her some really expensive soap once.You would not believe how substandard a bar of soap can be!

I have a confession that I'm not making anywhere else. Bought her a little gift this year which I got from a local charity shop, only got that because she asked what she was getting - cheeky as always! Mum-in-law asks for nothing but I'd give her the earth

You want to get yourself a nice new one then she can have the old one.

May I, who has never had any of these problems, make a suggestion? If one of you is good at writing you could perhaps print off this thread and then write up an article using the facts in it, but not using real names of course. A magazine or newspaper might find it interesting and then you would get more publicity for the fact that there are mothers like that and more children might then come forward for help.

I dont know if I have worded the above as well as I could have but it is early morning here and I am not thinking too well, and will be getting ready to go out soon.

Good luck to all you wonderful women. Long may you prosper.

Huia.

Thank you Huia.Does it look like a womens thread? It is not supposed to,boys can be just as badly affected,my poor cousin was,as were some neighbours.

A lady has approached some of us about writing it up.Unfortunately,it is so complex that we all have different views of where and,indeed,who we are.It is a bit like somebody leaving a cult.We have all been given some very distorted and scary pictures of our place in the world.
I can guarantee that you know somebody who has been affected by it.

My niece for one. She has run round after her lazy mother for years and is expected to carry on doing it. Whilst her son does b***r all for her and is the apple of her eye, He has too much on his plate to do anything for her. She forgets that daughter divorced her unfaithful husband and brought up two daughters on her own. She is nearing 60, and has to work until she is 65 to get enough pension to support herself. Son was made redundant from a firm which paid massive redundancy and has never needed to work since.

Hi Sharron and everyone ,just shadowing Huia really.
I have read through all of this thread and read the article.
As a much loved child albeit the second favourite, I have taken on board everything written here. There is always the case for the middle child of which I am one. My point is not to critisize as I could be here all night, but as Huia says to get this out there somewhere so that the circle can be stopped. Maybe someone reading could recognise themselves. It is the old adage, I was abused and so and so on. Someone has to stop it somewhere along the line.
My thoughts go out to you all in this situation

Maggie

Newspapers and magazines are in the business of selling 'papers and mags with scant regard for the truth. I'd be hard pushed to have anyone write up my 'story', I've seen (unrelated) stories tweeked here and there leaving the contributor feeling very cheated and demeaned.

The very idea of anyone c&p'ing this thread for publicity makes me want to delete my posts to be honest.

Have a good weekend all

I understand how you feel Island.Also,we are trained to not talk about it as we were always told we imagined it anyway.

One thing to bear in mind,I think,is that we are not confessing any fault or misdemeanour in ourselves and we have been punished for many we did not have.

I think I may well be further on in the healing process than many as I now have no fear of repurcussions but I do feel that if we can make this very secretive abomination more public we will be doing a great service to those children who are still suffering the same as we did.

Have to add that although I was not like this with my daughters, my eldest who was 18 at the time lived in South Africa with her partner who she has now been with for 11 yrs. First few years that she came home she was not the girl I knew. Had stomach problems, had all her hair cut short, had lost weight. I have to say that I was jealous at first as she said how nice her partners mother was. Oh how we can be deceived, she is a narcissistic mother. Had not spoken to her own daughter for 10 yrs. was evil to my daughter. Turns out now that all her friends no longer speak to her. But good news is my daughter persuaded her partner to get in touch with his sister, who it turns out is a really nice person, who could not get away from her mother quick enough My daughter who is now a strong woman puts her in her place, I actually think she is quite bad to her, but as they say what goes around comes around. Carol

They are everywhere aren't they?And we all thought we were the only one.

Sharron, you are right, think there are more out there than we realise.
Regards Carol

It is frightening isn't it? One of the sites mentions an epidemic of narcissism.I wonder if this is the true cause of the epidemic of obesity in the victims. Food was the nearest many of us had to affection.

Now Sharron food was my way of having some control over my life. I would not eat. My grandmother if visiting would try to force me to eat my meal, or have Virol off a spoon. I wouldn't have it either. I still go off my food if I'm stressed, but can enjoy a big meal at other times. I can go for days with out eating properly.

Today we had some awful news and I thought I might call my Mum but then didn't. She just would
not have any feelings towards my daughter who's friend died this morning after crashing her car. She was 27 with a husband and an 18mth old baby boy. H and I cried and I wanted my Mum like H wanted me. But I knew it was pointless. The phone call would have quickly turned to her.

Funny you mention food Sharron, I am going back to about 1949, think you could only get school dinners if parents were not to well off. My mother used to collect me from school for lunch, I was not a very good eater, my mother went to next door neighbour in tears stating how bad I was not eating the lovely meal she had specially cooked for me. Neighbour went to school on mothers behalf and I got school dinners. When I look back ( my mother had a housekeeper) but whenever I was ill my mother was never there, the housekeeper looked after me, lucky she was lovely. Truly believe my mother should not have been allowed to have children, but on the other hand I would not have been here to bring my three children up to be the people they are, happy, clever and a credit to me.
Carol

We had this conversation about food the other day, bear in mind she is 90 now.

Did it never occur to you I was the fattest kid in school, everyone made fun of me?

Well you didn't do any exercise.

How would I exercise,always locked in my bedroom?

You were in there because you wouldn't eat your rice pudding.

I wasn't hungry, I was fat.

Oh it was so funny when I pushed your face in it { hoots of laughter}

she still enjoys that one after all these years.

Only one of us enjoyed that experience.

Food was control.

As I have said before,I wouldn't risk it.Do they know how they will be before they have children?
My dad used to buy me sweets.I think he would have liked to be affectionate but he was bewildered.