General Chat

xxx

The one thing I cannot and will not understand is the Women who stay with the ??????? who abuse them.My Sisters Husband beat her up very badly,I only found out about it when she came to my home in a bad way.I put him in Hospital for 6 months,I got a suspended sentence for it.She went back to him and has,nt spoken to me since,said I should,nt have hurt him. I don,t know what she expected me to do when I saw what he had done to her?.**M**.:o((>.

Hi, Merlin,fraid one reply to that is often person is afraid to leave & also to degree they often brainwashed into misconception they 'deserve this'
added factor can be for sake of children too. (If any)
Sadly if person has low esteem things can spiral:(
Afraid to say its your sisters loss,not yours not meaning that badly:) My cousin also backed her violent partner same.I fully understand your reaction

i also was in a bad way, i got beat up and put into hospital for 3 months i stayed with him because i loved him and thought he would change, but he did not and i left with my kids moved to another city with nothing but a bag full of clothes, went to the houseing explained they put me tempary acom and within a month i was in my own new home, never looked back since. but having said that i also no men who suffer in the same way as us so its not just a female problem. my best advice get out before its too late.

I am living proof that there is life after an abusive relationship.....and happiness....and normality xx

well said Cat....Merlin...I cannot explain why I stayed with my first husband for as long as I did...or why I defended him...all I knew was I loved him and wanted to be with him x

I also heard on the course I went on that women will suffer about 30 something episodes of abuse before they finally leave their partners. Can't remember exact figure but it is astonishing how much.

To make that first move is a very brave step to take. 2 ladies talked on the course about their experiences. One moved from the North East to Stockport with very little possessions and her children. They were living proof their is life after domestic violence just like Twinkly says.

Be strong! it can be done!

Janet xx

Well, Merlin, if you're going to say "The one thing I cannot and will not understand", what might you expect anyone to say in reply?

You will not understand. Fine, your decision. If you change your mind, there's always google.


One thing I thought I'd mention, because you Brits are such animal lovers, is the role played by abuse and threats of abuse of pets.

It's a very real phenomenon that some women are afraid to get to safety because they are afraid of what the abusive man will do to their pets. It's not uncommon for such men to harm pets in order to intimidate the woman, and to threaten to do so in order to maintain control over the woman and prevent her from leaving. Not everyone has a place to go where they can take dogs and cats.

Just as the importance - to people - of caring for their pets in disasters became apparent in Hurricane Katrina, the importance of giving abused women a way to save themselves *and* their pets is being realized.

If any of you here work with animal rescue groups -- I know there are some -- this is something you might want to consider.

An animal welfare group hooking up with women's shelters and services to offer shelter to pets so that women can escape dangerous situations could provide just the thing that a woman needs to get to safety.

hi Kathryn do you have any experience of this personally? you seem quite knowledable.. if you prefer not to answer I understand.. xx

No, not direct -- just knowledgeable. ;)

In fact, I have endured emotional/financial abuse, which is in a way worse in that it's not as recognizable, to one's self. Not worse in its effects than real, thorough-going physical and mental abuse, I don't want to say that. Just more insidious, harder to see, even, that you *need* to put an end to it.

I did, eventually. Put him on a bus. He died 10 years later on his side of the border, clean and sober a year, but too late.

So I do know the ideas one gets ... if one just tries harder (I never thought anything was my fault, I just thought I could fix his problems) ...

And I know there are always reasons not to leave that can overwhelm the reasons to leave, when you're stuck on the inside and can't see the forest for the trees -- particularly, for many women, when the reasons to leave involve herself, and the reasons not to leave involve children, or the man himself (he needs her), or even pets.

Thanks Joy, i suffered and got out but can understand anyone who tries to make it work and hopes things will change,


Caz xx

I dont post often now but I will do this
I was physically and mentally abused by my 1st OH. At the age of 17 I was so brave by 18 I was a shadow. It took a lot for me to leave and I didnt have kids just fear.He threatened and hit out when I finally went, for 20 years he followed me. I am now happily married and I have never felt safer. there are bad days when I think I believe what he said but I then remember how strong I was before him, and how weak he must be.There is a light at the end of the tunnel and happiness does not need to be earned but is natural. Everybody has a right to their own life

THANK YOU for sharing your experiences

showing others there is life after abuse

i wish you all well

like i said dont be a victim

I think it takes a lot of courage to post your personal stories of abuse and my hat goes off to you all.
Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, both sap your self esteem and self image, and leave you feeling vunerable and worthless, I believe that's why so many people take such a long time to leave the abuser..

xx

i agree blue eyes

they are so brave well done girls xx

'A new law has been announced to protect victims of psychological domestic abuse. Will it actually work?'

*Subject discussed this morning on 'Woman's Hour' - BBC Radio 4.

bruddy eck,
thought I was having a severe case of De ja vu!!

there's some blast from the past names in there Dermot.......

It quite makes my blood boil when I hear people say 'for the sake of the children' as an excuse for staying in an abusive relationship. Do they really think the children aren't suffering as well? That they aren't affected and don't get the backlash of some of the unpleasantness they see and hear. That their confidence and self esteem doesn't suffer too when they worry about the future? My mother would say she stayed for the sake of us children, but she never knew that even as a very young child I prayed to become an orphan! Or that I would worry about going home after school. When parenting becomes unstable through the irrational behaviour/threats of either parent, so does the emotional wellbeing of a child. If I tried to express unhappiness, my mother said it was worse for her. Both my sister and I grew up and escaped our parents' home thinking we had survived, but many years after in later life we both needed counselling to deal with issues caused by our childhood. Don't make children the scapegoat for doing nothing about a situation.

Ann
ive always thought its better to have one good parent
than two at war or even worse :-( :-(

and I would never close my door on somebody
who was suffering domestic violence :-(

Very true Joy. I know it isn't possible where alcohol or other substance abuse plays a part, but a personal view is that women can do a lot to prevent this kind of thing in the future in how they bring their sons up. I see far too many women spoiling their sons in ways that they don't their daughters. They do far too much for them and expect too little from them. This can give them the impression that women are subordinate to men and there to do men's bidding and wait on them!! It doesn't teach respect or equality, both of which are important in a future relationship with a woman.

It must be very difficult and possibly dangerous to leave a man with anger or rejection issues, but then it is scary and dangerous to stay as well.