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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


AnnCardiff Report 16 Jun 2008 12:01

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.

In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.


Sue Report 16 Jun 2008 12:03


Seen this before but it is so true!!!

Sue xx


Meduck Report 16 Jun 2008 12:07

Ann I went to a public loo the other day and heard the lady in the next cubicle saying to her little girl "Look stop pulling me off the loo and DON't open the door - stop pulling the toilet roll paper" Then next minute her friend shouted "Your husbands on the phone I'll just pass over your mobile"!!
Theres never a minute to yourself is there!!


maggiewinchester Report 16 Jun 2008 12:13

Try the railway station at Florence. You stand in the queue and see a giant roll of toilet paper on a stool like thing. The women in frront of you all take a bit - you realise that this is where you get it, so you take some too - but how much?
If you take enough to wipe the toilet seat, flush the loo with AND to use to unlatch the door (you never know what's on the latch), it would seem either greedy or give those behind you a sense of fear about what they would be going in to.
I took a few sheets - I came prepared. I had a whole toilet roll in my bag!!!!



Meduck Report 16 Jun 2008 12:16

Maggie I went to a public loo in Italy (honest I'm not always in them!) - can't remember where, but t there was a receptionist you had to collect a few sheets of toilet paper from and then they led you to a free toilet and opened the door for you to go in - with a flourish
I was trying not to laugh


Jane Report 16 Jun 2008 12:24

Many a time I've sat there like a horse with nosebag hanging round neck.Passing tissues along the row and pleading for any to have a bit of spare.
Normally I carry plenty of tissues in my bag.
I used to think foreign toilets were bad but I think english ones especially in airports and stations are a disgrace.They are filthy smelly flushes don't work .Makes me feel ashamed to be British

Wild Cat

Wild Cat Report 16 Jun 2008 12:26

Great lol


Jane Report 16 Jun 2008 12:32

In Berlin a public loo had the attendant who wouln't let you go into the cubicle until she had checked it and wiped seat.There was nice soap and air freshener sprays.I was most impressed.
The most difficult ones to use are in Japan.Squat ones.I got in a right old pickle with my trousers.I thought it would be easy just to slip one leg out.That was fine but then you have to hold it off the ground and balance at the same time!!!!!


Harpstrings Report 16 Jun 2008 12:35

What a scream! Very very funny.

Sorry but I dont hover - never have - tried it once - pee'd down me leg! but then if all you lot are hovering my seat should be clean! LOL

Have never heard of hanging your bag around your neck either! Is this a generation thing?

Tina xxxxx


Jane Report 16 Jun 2008 12:46

The ''''''''normal loos""""""" in Japan are amazing.They can play music ,the sound of running water so that other people can't hear you weeing.The seats are heated.Oooohhh the do all sorts,oh yes there is also a spray to clean yourself.
it's like sitting on the Starship Enterprise!!!!!!


Jane Report 16 Jun 2008 13:12

Men have it so easy.They never have to queue.Don't have to worry about getting a wet bum.No handbags and shopping to worry about.No tights,pants and skirt/trouser.They don't know how lucky they are.


Merlin Report 16 Jun 2008 13:17

You Lot sound like a load of " Pee-nuts".**M**.The words from some songs come to mind,"Make it easy on yourself" joined with "Stand by your Man"( but beware "Splashback". pmsl.


Harpstrings Report 16 Jun 2008 13:21

My sister gave me a She-wee for Christmas. You can pee anywhere like a man. You just have to unzip your trousers (assuming you wear them) and pull your nicks to one side and clamp said item to your nether region and pee - it goes down a funnel and out - it says to practice in the shower first!

I will *practice* chucking it in the bin! lol

Tina x


maryjane-sue Report 16 Jun 2008 13:44

The public loos in my town are all stainless steel. You go in and just get comfy when a loud voice comes down from the ceiling telling you that these are secure loos and after a certain time the doors will automatically unlock and open. The first time I went in there the voice scared the **** out of me - now I am prepared for it but still sit in terror wondering if I am taking to long. lol

Added to which they play music! Nothing cheerful - usualy cloral music and gregorian chant type things - lovely! lol


MrDaff Report 16 Jun 2008 14:05


Thanks for this, Ann..... and everyone's comments...... it is all the funnier cos it is sooooooo true!!

We were in the loos on Saturday, and I think there was a kindergarten teaching session going on... and two loos being taken up by a middle class version of I Spy.... called, *I am thinking of.....*

Poor Tina and Maddie were ready to murder, if they could have uncrossed their legs, lol!


Daff xxx


Merlin Report 16 Jun 2008 14:11

I think the word you,re looking for is "Optomistic".**M**.:o)>.


Meduck Report 16 Jun 2008 14:23

Don't like those new loos in the trains now either. They're nice big toilets but also have a nice big door that I'm always sure will open mid flow, especially as there are always two seats just outside.
(Who sits on them anyway - I mean what a potential view)!

°o.OOº°‘¨Claire in Wales¨‘°ºOO.o°

°o.OOº°‘¨Claire in Wales¨‘°ºOO.o° Report 16 Jun 2008 14:40

I once open the loo door in a pub to see a very tall gentleman stood relieving himself of his last pint. I can remember shout out to him as he looked over his shoulder "It's OK you don't NEED to turn around"

°o.OOº°‘¨Claire in Wales¨‘°ºOO.o°

°o.OOº°‘¨Claire in Wales¨‘°ºOO.o° Report 16 Jun 2008 14:46

& yes Daff you're right, those 2 women could have talked for Wales. All us managed to use the loo before either of them emerged from the hot seat


MaggyfromWestYorkshire Report 16 Jun 2008 21:38

Some of the funniest loos I've been to were at Bridgend Rugby ground (apologies to anyone from Bridgend). The door was at the side of me, instead of in front. No lock (or course). Can you imagine sitting there trying to hold the door closed with your leg, at the side of you!! My hubby wanted to know why I'd been so long!!