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McB and Bob - was really fed up - came home in sunshine and put a load a washing out. Guess what - 2 minutes later the heavens opened!
Thanks a lot for cheering me up - they're great!!!
Steph x
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McB and Bob.........both brilliant jokes !!!!lololol. A great start to my morning thanks xx
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admission policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01PM the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.
This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. 'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom,
which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.
'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very
well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a
refrigerator......
Bob
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George Bush has a heart attack, dies, and goes to hell where he’s confronted by the devil. “I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You’re on my list… but I don’t have any room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m gonna to do. I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you, I’ll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide (since you are, afterall, the DECIDER) who leaves.
George thought the deal sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened a door to the first room, in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the next room, in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In that room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms over his head, and his legs spread in an eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and, finally, said “Yeah, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!”
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