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A few jokes.....:))))

ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Suzy Camay   ▀

Suzy Camay ▀ Report 27 Jun 2008 10:14

How to tell the sex of a fly....




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband standing around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Suzy Camay   ▀

Suzy Camay ▀ Report 27 Jun 2008 10:18

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should
have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 POUNDS!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, bi-jaesus, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?' the doctor said.

'No, from friggin' skippin!!!!', the Irishman said

Suzy Camay   ▀

Suzy Camay ▀ Report 27 Jun 2008 10:20

I D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realization...'I meant my dress size, you twat !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....





Suzy Camay   ▀

Suzy Camay ▀ Report 27 Jun 2008 10:21

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell
is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where
did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude
hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that
she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her
kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it
fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Jun 2008 10:30

HHeeeee Heee loved the Eight one!!!!

bob

Teddys Girl

Teddys Girl Report 27 Jun 2008 10:42

Bookmarking these, so when OH comes in he can have a good laugh like I have.

Mo

PinkDiana

PinkDiana Report 27 Jun 2008 11:03

Love them!! ;O)

Suzy Camay   ▀

Suzy Camay ▀ Report 27 Jun 2008 21:06

Love Story:

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found them selves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...Him in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'



'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'



'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own blanket.'



After a moment of silence, he farted.



The End

Julie

Julie Report 27 Jun 2008 21:09

They're great Suzy...

Nice to see you again :o)

Suzy Camay   ▀

Suzy Camay ▀ Report 27 Jun 2008 21:23

You too Jules :))

How are you??

Suzy :o) xx

Julie

Julie Report 27 Jun 2008 22:24

I'm well thanx....not seen you about for ages it seems...

Don't post so often these days but good to see names from the past popping up.

Hope you're well...??

N'Nite :o)xx

Cumbrian Caz~**~

Cumbrian Caz~**~ Report 27 Jun 2008 22:28

Thanks suzy,

A good laugh lol!


Caz xxx