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Long lost

ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Jane

Jane Report 5 Jul 2008 16:09

Say how you feel .If you don't feel comfortable calling him Dad ,just say.I think it is your call and hopefully he will accept it. He may be signing dad Daddy because he thinks that what is you want.
I never met my birth mother ,but have met 2 brothers.I talk of her as being their mum but cannot call her my mum.When I talk with my brothers I call her by her first name.
I hope you work out a solution.
Helen

James

James Report 5 Jul 2008 15:38

.

James

James Report 28 Jun 2008 12:34

Thanks for your message, Rose. In time, I would like to sit and have a chat with my dad about feelings and emotions. For so long when I was younger, I always assumed he did not care - but as I've got older, you realise that he's human like everyone else, and it would be good to know what he's feeling and thinking.

Rambling Rose

Rambling Rose Report 28 Jun 2008 12:29

James if i could just add , although I have not been in this situation I have close friends who have...

I would say that your dad does not 'expect' you to call him Dad ...
but by signing 'Dad' and calling you 'son' he is just letting you know that is how he sees himself and that he is 'feeling' that emotional tie to you.

(it is a little like me putting 'love from Rose ' to someone at the end of a letter, not expecting it to be returned, just an expression of my own feeling towards the recipient).

Best of luck to both of you,

Rose

ShimmsRedRoseAndMistletoe

ShimmsRedRoseAndMistletoe Report 28 Jun 2008 11:45

:) ~~ waves to all

Hi James

Shimmer here, just leaving this

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care

xxx Shimmer xxx

James

James Report 28 Jun 2008 11:24

Thanks for your reply, Joy. It is good to hear how other people in similar situations deal with it.

When I reached 30/31, I decided to find my dad and I am glad I have done it. It is different relationship now with us both being adults, as opposed to the adult-child relationship we had when I was a child. And I suppose with maturity, you realise that your parents have needs/wants and feelings too.

I will definitely continue to keep in touch with my dad and build as best I can on our relationship. You are right in saying that it takes two, and he needs to put in the work as well. With regards to the 'dad' thing as opposed to using his name, I am going to continue to call him by his name and see where we go from here.

xx

James

James Report 28 Jun 2008 11:13

I do agree with you Gerald, when you say it's not just about me. However, my point is really that he seemed ok about being called by his first name (he also has a stepson who he brought up as his own) who calls him by his first name. It's the change to 'dad' after being in touch for 3 year, I suppose it has just surprised me a fair bit, and I did/do feel a little unsettled about it.

James

James Report 28 Jun 2008 11:10

Thanks everyone for the feedback. My situation was one of the classic ones where parents separate, divorce and kid loses contact with dad. I know that with groups fighting for father's rights, etc ... it is now much more in the media than it was many years ago.

My dad ended up having a new family - I am comfortable with this, however always wondered how someone could have a new family, however lose touch with their other child. It was a feeling I had for many years, however through my late 20's and into my early 30's, I suppose that I realised that like everyone, my dad is just human and may well have feelings that I previously thought he did not really care.

Whirley

Whirley Report 28 Jun 2008 10:56

Good luck with it James. Perhaps within time you will feel more comfy abt the situation, maybe it is a trust building/bond building thing.

As said, good luck:)

x

James

James Report 28 Jun 2008 10:52

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I think I will bring up the subject with him. I am really glad that we are back in touch with one another, however at the same time probably part of the reason I prefer to call him by his first name is a defense thing (maybe a little part of me is keeping him at arms length). I do have a stepdad and get on well with him, but this has no factor on my feelings about my dad.

Whirley

Whirley Report 28 Jun 2008 10:47

Maybe he thinks that signing off as Dad is just a natural progression?

If you are feeling uncomfy with it James, I would just politely tell him that you would prefer it if he signs off in his name and not as Dad.

Flip side of the coin tho, he is your Dad, I dont know the circumstances of why you didnt see him all those years, but do you want to get things back on track with him and for him to be a father figure in your life? Just a question. It is good you are back in touch.

Websterbfc

Websterbfc Report 28 Jun 2008 10:45

James if it makes you uncomfortable then you need to say so, in a kind way obviously. I would suggest (only my personal opinion) that you highlight the good things about having got back in touch and then explain that your not really ready for the daddy bit yet so can you just keep with using his name for the time being

do you think that is something that could work for you?

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 28 Jun 2008 10:43

seems like he wishes to get a bit closer to you - if you are uncomfortable with that I think you maybe should tell him nicely how you feel - after 16 years it's still early days really - maybe in time

James

James Report 28 Jun 2008 10:41

I'm 35 and got back in touch with my dad nearly 3 years ago after not seeing him for 16 years. We get on ok, however when we met up, I said that I'd rather call him by his first name as opposed to calling him 'dad' - he replied that he was fine with this. While we get on fine with one another, I wouldn't say that we are very close.

We communicate by email (we live a fair distance from each other) and lately, rather than signing off by his name, he's started signing off as 'dad', 'daddy' and calling me 'son' through his emails.

I don't know if I'm being a little touchy, but it's unsettled me a bit - and I'm not sure whether to bring up the subject with him the next time we see one another?

I'd appreciate some feedback from fellow Genes Reunited members!! :-)