General Chat

It is possible he had some input though, best to be sure in case he is upset too.

If the groundkeepers take it away, ask for a letter stating why and pass it on to the cousin.

Kitty, i understand what your saying, the boys leave little "gift" when they visit, but a fence andgravel? i would have liked to been asked at least.

Sorry.to disagree..that a 6 year old boy wouldnt have chosen Pink..of course they would it was for a lady,,that being his mummy..........!!isnt that the norm ,Pink for a girl,,,,,,,,
Sorry Taff,,,,,,of course you must do what you feel is best,and its sorted for you,

Perhaps you can have a gentle word with your grandson and say that its lovely but the cem wont allow all thats been placed and would he like to visit with you and just leave a small token that he put there,,,,,,,,,?

good thinking kitty, will ask for that when i ring in the morning!

Taff, as you can see we all agree with you. You are justified in being annoyed. You haven't mentioned if you see much of your grandsons though, if it is the case that they are taken over by your daughter's in laws then it is them you have to tell you are removing it as they seem to have influenced the grandson. However, knowing how distressed you still are at the loss of your daughter, her eldest child must still be distressed too. maybe this was one way that they tried to help him but have gone way over the top. If you have contact with him, could you not help him make a little memorial garden in your garden for him to tend when/if he visits? We lost a grandson at birth and in our front garden we have a circular stone container (like a wheel) full of rockery plants which we call Toby's garden, it is our memorial to him and gives me pleasure to know it is there.

Ann
Glos

My daughter lost her first baby and she is buried in our local churchyard,when her sister was born a few years later,as soon as she was old enough to understand she was told about the baby and often visits the grave with my daughter,there have been items in the news on the television and in our local papers about graves being decorated and she had asked her mum could they not do the same for her sister and my daughter had to explain that it wasn't allowed in our Church as they have to be able to cut the grass right up to the headstone.My granddaugter is only six now so it's just possible that like my granddaugter your grandson could have seen similar things on the news or in the papers and his cousin has got carried away with her suggestions instead of saying how about if we ask Grandma what she thinks.

Daisy

Ann, this wasnt a S.I.L it was my grandsons cousin!
I have my gransons nearly every weekend! And yes the eldest granson Is distressed as he was with her when she died, and couldnt get out of the house, he also wanted to look after his baby brother, who was still in her arms!
Awfull situation for everyone, and i have taken all this into account, I feel as he is being cared for by the other gran, the "memorial" should be at her house.

Fresh as a daisy, at least your daughter had the perspective to answer your grand daughter responsibly!

Taff, yes I realised it was a cousin by in laws I meant his other grandmother I only said have it at your house because it would be easier than getting his other grandmother to do it and then he would 'visit' it as he does the grave. as you say it is an awful situation for you and must have added to your distress. I can't begin to imagine how you feel both at the loss of your daughter, and the circumstances and now this.

Ann
Glos

Ann, at this moment in time I couldnt have a "memorial" to my daughter in my back garden, as it would be too painfull for my sons and myself.
maybee in the the future yes!

Taff, I can understand that.

Ann
Glos

Unfortunately caught up in all this is a 6yr old boy who probably doesn't even understand why his mum was taken from him ,it was very wrong of his cousin to do this and she should be made aware of the upset she has caused but will you cause more upset to your grandson by removing everything straight away and without him understanding why.

You are quite right to feel upset and angry but try and think about it from another perspective,what would you advise someone else in the same situation to do.You know the cousin has done wrong but will your grandson understand.

Daisy

Thats the thing Daisy, but how much do I take away? I know the fencing, gravel and the picture will be removed, but as for the toys? where do I go there?

The toys won't last forever they will get ruined by the weather maybe then you could take your grandson with you and choose something more appropriate between you and if the Church says the fence and gravel have to go there will be an explanation for him which was out of your hands.If the toys are a comfort to him let them be.

Daisy

Taff,

You have to be honest with the little man,,up to a point,,and say that its wonderful and you like it,,,,, ,,BUT,,they wont allow it,,perhaps would he like to choose one thing that they will allow,such as the little lantern?,,,or take him to choose something you feel more in keeping,,
he will maye understand more than given credit for,,,,,,,,

Maybe you can plan to take him shortly and sort it with him,?

Daisy and kay, i am in total agreement with you both, if the adults want a lasting memorial to my daughter, couldnt they buy one of those stone plant holders with the names of the grandsons "to mum" from.............. put on them/?

Taff,

When you feel more calmer and able to discuss this perhaps talks with the other family can be done and some agreement made...........but I feel you need to give some space between what you found and anything more permament just yet,,,thats my just opinion,,,,,,,,

But you ,your family and grandsons are the main ones in this,,,but some compromise has to be reached for the sake of her sons also ,,,,,,,,,,just give your self some thinking space,&,do what you feel is right,,,,,,,,

Kay, someone is going to end up upset, thats for sure, but as the saying goes, you cant please all the people all the time!
But thanks for your input anyway! much appreciated!

That is a really nice idea,a planter with their names on , maybe if you explain to him about the fence and toys but say you will have a planter made to order and he can pick the design and words I'm sure he will like that and it will be something special just from him and his brother

Daisy

Daisy, thats up to the other grandparents, I will have enough cost with the headstone alone!! (I am on a fixed income). But I will suggest that!