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Auntie Motie a Genteel Tale of Everyday Life.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

MotownGal

MotownGal Report 7 Sep 2012 00:10

Not me Teresa, that floozy Ruby!

Tutty tut, and then tut again......................

Read it s-l-o-w-l-y......................



AP

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 7 Sep 2012 00:27

hello Teresa ..... my Mama was also on the wrong side of 40 when she took a fancy to Tom Jones, back in the day when he had his original nose and dark hair.

Suffolk is a tad too far for MFH to drive but I shall bear Claire in mind, if we have a mini break in that county.

Oh dear .... another six miles on my waist measurement, but the cakes were lovely! thank you :-D

CC

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 7 Sep 2012 00:32

Aha, another bloooooberrie call from dear Petunia. My word she has flown into a high old panic, over the possibility of Ruby and Marmaduke moving into a bijou little residence within a 100 mile radius of Highbury & Islington. Perhaps I should help them find a well ventilated house (draughty windows), with snug rooms (not enough room to swing the cat), with a rear garden just ripe for redevelopment (an overgrown jungle) .... a property which is the DIY enthusiasts delight (needs a heck of a lot of work doing to it).

Fear not. All I have to do is infer that I will be delighted to visit them frequently once they are settled into their new home, and they will be delighted to relocate to the Outer Hebrides, if not the North Pole. That Ruby is daft enough to believe she will need a Scottish passport, and I intend to let her think I dont have one. In reality, I have two Scottish passports, but that's our little secret. Anyway, a visit to St Jumbo's has been arranged for 11 am tomorrow.

As for sending Pat rish aaaah out to remove all For Sale signs - I suggested this, to be firmly squealed at : "I do not have to take orders from you - you aint my bloomin' grandmother". :-S

CC

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 7 Sep 2012 00:33

Hello Lesley, it wasnt that long ago that Sir Tom was cosying up to Cerys Matthews. This business with Jessie J is just a passing phase - it sells the records after all.

Hmmmm I've heard of Average White Band, Mick Hucknall, and the Quo of course ... dear old Three Chord Francis ..... and I wish I hadnt heard of Jessie J; but I am not familiar with the other performers.

CC

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 7 Sep 2012 00:41

A timely warning for us all .................... !!! :-D :-D



As we progress well into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use any one's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

MotownGal

MotownGal Report 7 Sep 2012 20:49

CALM DOWN CHERRY DEAR, THAT IS AN ORDER!!!!!!!!!

Goodness me dear, I too have received some of the same messages on the Bloooooberry, and have dismissed them as piffle. With a capital P.

Now my trip. We located to Istanbul, and stayed for a couple days. We learned that it was once the Ottoman Empire. Fancy calling a country after one of those dear little boxes that one keeps the sheets in, at the end of the bed!

We firstly went to the Ayasofya. It was the largest church in the Christian World for over 200 years. The Mosaics on the walls are a wonder. And fully preserved. It is noted not its rectagular floors and a large Central Dome. We spent a full afternoon there, so much to see.

The very next morning we visited the Topkapi Palace [was that not a film with Shirley McClain]. It is vast, twice the size of the Vatican. It was also the Government House and Mint at one time.

Beatrice is a realy culture vulture, and kept asking more and more questions. While very educational, we were all dying for a cup of tea.

Her eyes lit up at the Spoonseller Diamond on display. It seems her family are very big in diamonds. So perhaps she was lining up work for her in-laws.

The markets are soo full of wonderful things. I was never one for haggling, but Octavia is a whizz. She knocked down everyone of the people selling us trinklets, I wish I had the nerve, but I find it all a bit vulgar.

Make way Cherry dear, I will be sending a few of our bits and bobs down the cyber hatch.

I have yet to receive my cake Teresa dear, please make another batch and send them straight away. While I do like to try exotic food, I do like a bit of sponge.

Looking forward to the picture Lesley dear. How babbies do change from week to week. Love them.

Dear Susan, I will be heading towards your time zone soon. So I too will be ahead of myself, looking backwards.

Now, a final message for Pat-trish-aaaaaah dear.

DO AS YOU ARE BLOOMING TOLD, AND DONT ANSWER DEAR CHERRY BACK.

I thank you
Auntie Petunia

Cooper

Cooper Report 7 Sep 2012 21:00

Humph, that dove has already passed over my car today Cherry in the car park of those who toil :-|. On a brighter note because that has already happened I don't have to forward the email to the nation of France and beyond :-D

Lesley Sir Tom likes a familiar posse around him. The mighty Quo and Paloma Faith were on the same bill as Sir Tom when he was performing the evening we saw him. They were very good.
:-D :-D

I do apologise yet again Auntie, it's this I pad thing, I'm reading things upside down :-S

Susaaaan where are yooooou?

Orff now for a nice cup of tea is in order. I will have to get it my self. OH is channel hopping. First Dallas, then Planet of the Apes and now the devils football.


Teresa

Susan-nz

Susan-nz Report 7 Sep 2012 21:19

Good morning ladies,

Tis Saturday here already and we are in for a lashing it seems... :-(. I took myself orf to the Library for a few books. I shall cosy up and ignore the elements. My dryer will be working overtime though..

We have friends coming over for dinner tonight, Last night I made a Blueberry cheesecake, why it is positively a heart attack on a plate :-D. 500g cream cheese, 450g sour cream, eggs, sugar... Delicious... Weighs a ton too :-D...

I shall pass on the cyber cake thank you Teresa, I don't want to be too greedy ;-).

Our puppy, ooops, Fruits puppy, is back to her old self again. She has decided she likes to chew my socks, while they are on my feet :-S.. It seems she saves that particular game for my socks...

Petunia, I am not surprised you didn't enjoy the Bingo, that is for old ladies :-D... Your trip sounds very educational dear :-(. No letting loose and frolicking in the pool for you, or are you keeping those details from us all?.

I won't be frolicking in anybodys pool this summer unless I can get into shape... Don't suppose my slice of cheesecake will help my situation, but who cares . Me probably :-(.

The garden is full of bird song this morning, I wonder how a bird keeps dry in its nest? One of lifes little mysteries. Some time ago, I planted a Tui tree, it is in full flower but I have yet to see a Tui anywhere near it...

It is time I wasn't here, I have a list of chores that need my attention, more is the pity :-(.

Have a lovely weekend, hope the sun shines down on you... It won't be shining anywhere near us for a few days :-P.

Toodle pip
Susan

Cooper

Cooper Report 7 Sep 2012 21:30

Hallo Susan, it's been 27degrees here in Essex today :-D :-D :-D. The factor 50 is set to be out all weekend as well :-)

My Sister is having a BBQ tomorrow, her OH is buying a small dinosaur to roast by the sound of it :-D

We are taking the afters, a large raspberry and mascarpone filled sponge made by FTE. It's sounds as callorific as your cheesecake.

I'm glad your fruits pup is back on track :-D. Bingo was a great craze with FTE and her fellow fruits when they were at sixth form college. There were nights, Tuesdays I think, when it was cheaper to buy the cards or something. They used to have a great time :-D

Off to bed now, unpaid toil calls tomorrow before we go out to eat our own body weight in grub :-D :-D :-) :-D

Teresa

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 7 Sep 2012 23:03

As I said to dear Petunia when she phoned earlier, I am quaite calm thank you. Just a little worried about rat poo and toothbrushes .....

I have been told that double glazing installers use the home owners toothbrush to clean the home owner's toilet, if said installers decide they dont like the homeowner. I was told this by someone I know who once worked in the admin office of a double glazing installation firm, so I dont think its an urban myth. Or an urban myth-ter either.

I thought that the dear little box that sits at the end of the bed, wot I keep my linens in, was called after the Ottoman Empire. But Petunia would not be swayed on this. For some reason, Topkapi brings Peter Ustinov to mind.

I cannot say that Pat rish aaaah's attitude towards me has changed any, in spite of dear Petunia's remonstrance. Still, Petunia will be coming home very soon, and the normal order of things will be restored. At least - when she gets her land legs back.

At least Ruby and Smarmie went out for the day, so Mrs Berry and I had a lovely time dancing around the kitchen table to the voice of Neil Diamond, while we worked. SWEEEEET CAROLIIIIINE .......

*eyes the cyber hatch very warily ..... remembering the last time something fell through and rendered me unconscious*

CC

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 7 Sep 2012 23:04

Ah Teresa dear, there you are. Many years ago, I was witness to two apes from the future, who came back to Planet Earth of the late 1970s, and left their very vocal infant ape in the care of a circus owner called Ricardo Montalban. This was after the astronaut Charlton Heston was killed in the future, while trying to escape from a gorilla with a machine gun. That infant ape grew into a large ape called Caesar who was later revered as a sort of God by the future denizens of the planet of the apes.

I am therefore most confused to now be involved with a lot of monkeying around in a laboratory and a baby ape called Caesar who starts to speak because his deceased mama was injected with an intelligence enhancing drug. Caesar could not have been created in a lab, if he grew up in a zoo. I suspect that someone is aping his elders and betters.

Aaaaaah Dallas - I was in seventh heaven at the return of the series, sad as I am to hear that the lovely Robert James Ewing has a stomach problem. Will the scriptwriters write him out, with the third Mrs Ewing waking up in a years time from a very long dream. Or, will a miraculous new cure be found, with JR waking up in the asylum.

I should be Gypsy Rose Lee. I said years ago, when JR tried to shoot himself, and Dallas ended on that Cliff Hanger (not Cliff Barnes) that there was scope for a sequel based on the lives of little John Ross and ugly baby Christopher after they was all grown up. Someone must have listened to me :-D !!

Mind you, I also predicted a sequel to Deep Space Nine, featuring the son of the space station Commander Sisko. The son's name was Jake. I said the sequel could be called The Sisko Kid.

I dont suppose you will be able to spare me a generous slice of your lovely mascarpone sponge. I used to love mascarpone, but even half fat is now too much fat for me :-S

CC

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 7 Sep 2012 23:05

Hi Susan, please can you send some of your lashings of rain over here, I am getting very tired of having trek around with the hose pipe to keep my shrubs alive. But, please dont blame my hosepipe for your lashings of rain. Its not my water leaking through the planet, its to do with cloud formations over New Zealand.

For the last two days I have been visiting my favourite garden centre, buying colour packs, small potted plants, and garden ornaments. I have redone my hanging baskets, created two display tubs, overhauled a pot, and its all cost so much I dare not show My First Husband the till receipts. I spent so much money yesterday, that the checkout girl remembered me when I went again today! At least .... I hope that is why she remembered me, because the garden centre is very busy when they have one of their Discount Events. It was very tiring work but my new hip held out, and I am happy with the results. All I have to do now is ..... keep it all alive in this heat. When I had finished getting my fingers dirty, I went back in the house and collapsed with a sigh of relief on to the sofa. One's First Husband stood up and without any hints on the part of myself, offered to make me a cup of tea.

Oh my word. Your cheesecake sounds like Heaven On A Plate. Instead of eggs and cream, try lemon curd (spread over the crushed biscuit base) and Total 0% yogurt with blueberries mixed into the yogurt. Chill well, cut into slices, and eat !!!

Now, I had no idea bingo was for old ladies. That must be why I dont play it. I always thought I didnt play because I cannot afford to risk my food budget. Our local council holds tea dances for pensioners. I dont attend those either. I'm the kind of OAP who is growing old disgracefully - its much more fun :-D And, it annoys my Oldest Offspring.

Glad to learn the puppy is ok now. Our part time House Cat came in this morning, gave herself a bath on my bed, and left a bloodstain behind; she keeps chewing at her paw and I think a dewie claw is bothering her. But can we catch her to check it ??????? answers on a post card please.

CC

MotownGal

MotownGal Report 8 Sep 2012 21:04

Good evening dear Ladies,

We are all at sea again. We left Turkey behind us and we are heading towards Greece.

Beatrice is getting out all the brochures, and we are being drilled on the attractions on the mainline.

As the Olympics are still very much uppermost in everyones mind, we are to visit Mount Olympus. I can picture it very well from Jason and the Argonauts. I wonder if we shall see Honor Blackman there.

No dancing for us tonight, nor bingo. We may be old biddies dear, but it bored us stupid. I fancy the entertainment tonight of a show. All those syncopated dances from leggy lasses and handsome young men. I wonder if they mingle when they are not dancing for their supper. Octavia snorted and sad something about chalk and cheese, but I cannot see what that has to do with the price of fish.

Do not worry Cherry dear, I shall take Pat-trish-aaaaah in hand when I return. Did you get the things I send down the hatch. Please unroll the hand knotted carpet and put it in my bedroom. The hubble bubble pipe can be left in the parlour as a 'talking point', the lamp too can be put on the sideboard. One word of caution dear, do not rub it....................I shall say no more. The various necklaces, I will sort out when I return home.

Dear Upsidedown Susan, I can sympathise with you and your wet weather, we usually have the same in England. But the heat here is unbearable, my parasol has not been down since we left Southampton. Please to hear puppy is bearing up. I am missing little Trickey, but she will be all the more pleased to see me when I collect her.

Teresa, I trust the BBQ went well. Tell me dear, what does dinosaur actually taste like? I have eaten the normal meats, including venison, but is the hide a little tough? I fear it would break my teeth. I still have my own dear, and would like to keep it that way.

Oooooh the lights are going down, and the leggy lovlies are high kicking their way across the stage. Yes indeed gels, Give them the Old Razzle Dazzle!

Humming merrily
Auntie Petunia

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 8 Sep 2012 22:03

*groans*

oh dear, I do wish that dear Petunia had contacted me first to tell me not to rub that wretched lamp, before all those items came through the cyber hatch. The lamp was rather dull and I thought I would give it a good polish, so I got the yellow dusters and started rub-a-dub-dubbing ......... and suddenly a strange little man, wearing ancient Arabic robes and with a funny hat on his head, materialised out of thin air and offered me three wishes.

My immediate reaction was to respond with two little words, and he tried to, so I hit him on the head with the brass poker. Now I have a body on the Aubusson rug in front of the marble fireplace in the dining room.

I wish Petunia was here to advise me .................... *brightens up* ..... but I still have two wishes left :-D

CC

Susan-nz

Susan-nz Report 8 Sep 2012 23:36

CC,

I suggest you bring the little man 'around' immediately, a bit of grovelling on your part and you may still have two wishes... However, if the little man goes into a sulk. forget your wishes and bang him on the head once more.....

I wouldn't like to imagine what revenge the little man may bring upon your person....

Remember : be very careful what you wish for :-D.

Well we survived yesterdays elements, my word, the heavens did open and the wind tore through town like a madman ( or genie) on the loose...
Today the sun shone, for five minutes and now the sky has darkened again.
Wellington suffered very high winds yesterday, some flights were unable to land and were returned from where they had come from, passengers were screaming with fear :-D... Roll on Summer, please :-S.

Teresa, hope the BBQ was enjoyable. Like Petunia, I have never eaten dinosaur, though some of the offerings that come off our bbq could well have been a dinosaur in an earlier life... We don't tend to use our bbq very often, don't quite know why that is.

I have just taken a couple of chickens out of the freezer, and yes they were err, dead, when they went into said freezer.... Must say they don't look very appetising at the moment. Only that the packet was labelled 'chicken - corn fed', could I tell what they are, could be baby dinosaurs?

The rain is back :-|. My OH will not be able to attend to all the outdoor chores I have lined up for him. Never mind, I shall find him some indoor chores. Can't have him getting wet now can I... :-D

Better move myself and get on with the day. Enjoy your lovely sunshine, lucky ducks.

Susan

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 9 Sep 2012 00:14

hello Susan, I cannot begin to imagine how terrified plane passengers must be when severe weather conditions affect the flying. I hope everyone landed safely in the end. I dont like high winds blowing around the house, for the obvious reasons.

swap ya some of our heat, for some of your rain?

CC

ps I will indeed be careful what I wish for ...... because I might just get it.

Cooper

Cooper Report 9 Sep 2012 16:51

Ladies, the BBQ was a little lacking. Drink was flowing and very little else, not even a small dinosaur. I was driving and so you can only imagine what I had to deal with. The only sober ones of the party were FTY and I. I washed up, ferried various family members here and there, tutted and tutted some more and then............................................... ate a lot of the cake in desperation and hunger.

I will get FTE to bake a new batch of cake and will distribute them tomorrow.

I have no hangover today and have been at paid toil without the effects of the demon drink :0)

I did miss a very strange event ladies, one which happens only once in a blue moon. The devils football season has started and FTEs team played in all that heat and won, 8-2. Now make sure you have the smelling salts out for you must be as shocked as I was !

I am orff now to put out the washing as it is very warm still and it may get dry.

"Cherrrry what are you doing in my kitchen and how did you get there and who is that strange little man with you clutching a lamp. If your not careful my dear husband wil be flogging it on gumtree."

Yours feeling this day cannot get any more odd.

Teresa


~~~~~~ to Lesley who will be in the mosh pit waiting for Sir Tom as we speak :0)

CherryCrumbles

CherryCrumbles Report 9 Sep 2012 18:02

*looks around in bemusement*

well that takes care of my second wish I suppose ..... serves me right for wishing I'd had some of dear Teresa's cake*

how do I get back to Motie Towers, I wonder. I wish I knew.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!! and there she was gone.

MotownGal

MotownGal Report 9 Sep 2012 19:35

Oooooh my aching feet! I have walked and walked and walked!

We have been perusing the Acropolis, and got into a very heated discussion about some marbles. The young man said they should be returned, and I told him I havent played marbles since I was a young gel. I particular liked the milky coloured ones, I was a real dab hand as flicking them.

Oh Teresa dear, I was really disappointed to learn that you did not eat a real dinosaur. Never mind, I believe that birds were descended from dinosaurs, so you got there in a roundabout sort of way. I hope the chooook was cooked properly.

Susan dear, I think you have blown the rain clouds our way. I do believe it is starting to drizzle over Motie Towers.

Cherry dear, what the heck did you do that for? Please dear, I think there are only a certain amount of wishes to be gained from one lamp.

Oooooh a thought has occurred to me........................you could wish that you know who would disappear...............please dear......................just for me!

Pleading
Auntie Petunia

Cooper

Cooper Report 10 Sep 2012 14:28

Tutty tut :-S :-|

What is Pat ris haaaa doing in the spare room. She fell on top of the pile of stuff that FTE is taking on her journeys. What a mess that washing liquid has made :-| :-| :-| :-|

I suppose she is here for the extended leaving dos that Fruit has planned. Never mind. We will keep an eye on her this time, no raving at the local venues for P this time. I have many chores for P including a bit of clearing up in the spare room and getting her hands round the u bends.

Yours tutting

Teresa :-S