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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Harry Report 21 Dec 2012 15:13

Don't want to give any details to a (selfish?) question which no-one can properly answer.
Words of comfort or advice welcome.

Is it easier for someone loved to slowly die of cancer or to watch a loved one slowly die of same. The answer seems obvious, but is it?

Happy days


AnninGlos Report 21 Dec 2012 15:34

No, I don't think the answer is obvious. It is a very hard question. I don't know what the answer is, I guess it depends on the people involved, how old they are, how they view life and death, maybe how much faith they have. Either way it is hard for both. Maybe in some cases it is the 'slowly' that is the hard part if there is a lot of pain. The harder thing for the person watching is the fact that their suffering continues after the end.

If you are part of this Harry please accept my sympathy for the situation.


GinN Report 21 Dec 2012 15:42

Not sure if this is what you mean, Harry, but speaking as someone who has had cancer and survived, I believe it is worse for those who love them than for the sufferer themselves.
Take care, Lynda.


AnnCardiff Report 21 Dec 2012 15:49

all I can say is that it is very hard to watch someone dying of whatever - not necessarily cancer - I watched my husband for a year knowing he was going to die - he knew it too - it was horrendous - too horrendous to talk about even, after all, what is there to say in such a situation

if it is a situation you are in Harry, I feel for you, I really do


Mauatthecoast Report 21 Dec 2012 16:04

Hello Harry not an easy question to answer.

Sadly having sat with family and friends at that difficult time,just holding hands and talking of happier times can help.

Just knowing you are much loved surely brings a comfort to both.



lilybids Report 21 Dec 2012 16:07

I agree with AnnC,it's not easy


AnnMarieG Report 21 Dec 2012 16:13

I think both are as hard to bear. Each in a differant way. If it is you who is involved my heart goes out to you. <3


Porkie_Pie Report 21 Dec 2012 16:43

I don't think the answer is obvious Harry

My best friend lost his wife to cancer she was a very brave lady and she appeared to be more concerned with how he would cope without her

He never left her side from the day she was diagnosed to the very end

I don't think it is easier for one or the other

My advice is to just be their for each other and do as much together as is possible

As Anncardiff said if it is a situation you are in Harry, I also feel for you


Shirley~I,m getting the hang of it

Shirley~I,m getting the hang of it Report 21 Dec 2012 16:55

When you are first told there is disbelief that it could happen to a loved one.

We lost dad on the 19th Dec 1975 and it was very quick from the first diagnoses some 3 months earlier. He had had his prostrate removed some 3 years before and no one was told it was cancerous and no follow up treatment had been given.

We didnt think it was possible that OUR dad would die so lived on false hope that it wasnt going to happen When he went downhill we still hoped he would pick up again .

When he finally couldnt hold on any more it was devastating .

He wasnt told he had cancer so didnt worry about his health but to all of us it was a BIG worry when 2 weeks before he went we were told, mum had many regrets that she didnt know and had got a bit short with him at times when he would ask for a specific dinner and then couldnt eat it.

So each situation is really different.

Harry if you are in the situation my heart goes out to you



Guinevere Report 21 Dec 2012 17:00

Either way is very hard, Harry. I have no words that can help but wish you both strength to cope with what is to come.


Cynthia Report 21 Dec 2012 17:46

With my love and prayers Harry... <3

All Is Well
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.

Henry Scott Holland
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral


Kay???? Report 21 Dec 2012 18:19

Having just recently visited a sufferer(family connected) and had a lenghthly heartbreaking open chat & goodbyes ,,,,it was so hard for them to see their loved ones suffering,knowing there was nothing they could do or say to ease their time ahead without him, ,,,,,inwardly they ached with heartbreak,not for their passing but what they were leaving and would never be no part it can be harder in some ways for the sufferer,,,,,but knowing their loved ones wouldnt be left alone to grieve gave them comfort.

Openess can release some burden for those of a sufferer.


Neubie Report 21 Dec 2012 18:46

Harry .. I am going through the exact same thing , my Best friend was diagnosed in June with stage4 Lung cancer.
I have watched her take radiotherapy , loose her hair and all the time be adamant she will beat this.
We are now at the stage where she now accepts she will die and very soon.
I lost my sister through a RTA years ago , I thought there was nothing worse but I can only now understand how hard it is to have to watch someone die over a period of time and the helplessness you feel.


Harry Report 21 Dec 2012 18:56

Those are lovely and helpful replies. The poem is beautiful. Think you feel guilty and a bit wicked when you ask yourself occasionally 'how will it affect me?'.

God bless you all.

Happy days


UzziInSunshine Report 21 Dec 2012 19:09

Harry no losing of loved ones is good, but for their sake you have to hope for the least painful. If that is the quickest then so be it.
But to which is worst dying or watching a loved on die, I don´t know. If it was me I would hope it was me rather than my OH, words of sorrow I don´t know because I have a warped sense of humour.


Porkie_Pie Report 21 Dec 2012 19:12

I would have thought asking yourself 'how will it affect me" to be a normal human thing to think about

No need to feel any guilt

Take care



Neubie Report 21 Dec 2012 19:24

I think human nature is to ask for a timescale , things out of our control we try desperately to gain control of
We all live by the clock
You know the person you love has a terminal illness but there is no way of knowing when this will end.
Please do not feel guilty for your feelings or thinking about the way it will affect you..
The end result is this is out of your hands, you have no control over this situation
What you do is ..... the best you can while this person is still living


Gins Report 21 Dec 2012 19:33

Henry Scott Holland
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral

Cyns...lovely x


AnnCardiff Report 21 Dec 2012 19:33

I would rather it had been me at the time, but with hindsight I'm glad it wasn't cos I couldn't bear to think of him without me - sounds daft I suppose, but I don't think he would have coped as well - he wasn't as outgoing as I am and I think he would have been very lonely indeed - it's not nice


Neubie Report 21 Dec 2012 19:47

Anne just <3 <3
Totally useless but no other way of thanking you for your post.