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Why do families argue when someone dies

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Llamedos Pam

Llamedos Pam Report 7 Jan 2013 11:12

Lost my sister in law on New Year's Day, her two sons ask my OH if her ashes could be put in with her parents (she had never married) OH is the eldest and holds the paperwork for this grave he was a bit reluctant at first but agreed and so it is all arranged, now a niece has contacted the cemetery asking how she could stop anyone being buried with her grandparents and also was my OH capable of deciding as he has Parkinson's and vascular dementia which affects his short term memory but he is more than capable of making any decisions like this he is age 70 and only gave up his part time job as Father Christmas last year , now the family are all at each others throat and i have to keep away from his neice as i am so angry with what she has done. Families who would have them pam


+++DetEcTive+++ Report 7 Jan 2013 11:38

How sad - why is she objecting as it is not unusual for unmarried children to be interred with their parents?

Tell the niece that people with vascular dementia are only periodically deluded/confused, and that's it not all the time. since your OH has taken his time to make the decision, its not as if it was a spur of the moment agreement.


JustJohn Report 7 Jan 2013 11:54

Where else would she have wanted her ashes to be put. It is so natural for graves to be opened to place ashes in them. Particularly a dear daughter who has not married. The parents would love to have her mortal remains near them, so would your OH who seems to be the one responsible for the decision anyway.

In these big mausoleums, large families were all put together. Placing ashes in graves of close rellies is the way we ordinary people can afford to do the same thing.

Just explain nicely to the niece that it is what you want and what sil wanted - and it will give her a chance to grieve for three people rather than one or two on her regular visits to the grave.

Makes us all aware how important it is to sort these things out when we write our wills :-(

*** Mummo ***

*** Mummo *** Report 7 Jan 2013 12:34

Pam why was your husband first reluctant to have the ashes in his parents grave and why has the niece got a problem with it ???
My brothers ashes are interred in our parents grave and so will me and my OH also have are ashes with them, really can't see what the problem is and by the way my brother was married.


michael2 Report 7 Jan 2013 12:39

it is so sad when family,s cant agree over things like this,something like this has happend to me last year i lost my younger brother my sister and other brother thought it would be nice if he was put in with my mother grandad and grand mother,even the last space was mine. all went well for a while the my brother,s daughter also nephew,s wife decided that they did not want other,sto put flower,s on the grave and would remove them. they then fild it with cheap tat from the pound shop on it also nicked part of some one elses grave. they have made it into shrine to my brother and to me they are disrespecting the memorey of my grand parent,s and mother , it has caused a big rift in the family .


Kay???? Report 7 Jan 2013 13:38

The person who hold the grave deeds if there are any is the only one who can give permission and make the request if ashes want to placed in an exsisting plot.

Been though it.....

Sincere Condolences to you Pam on your sad loss.


Merlin Report 7 Jan 2013 13:44

You beat me to it Kay, add to it that they alone are the only ones who can add wording to the Memorial stone (If any) as well.

Llamedos Pam

Llamedos Pam Report 7 Jan 2013 22:09

Thanks everyone for posting on here, Mummo it had always been said by the family that nobody else would go in that grave and so he thought if he said yes it was going upset everyone, but apart from this niece it was ok with everyone so will be going ahead . I have also spoken to the cemetery office and they told us to add to our will that after his death our son becomes keeper of the grave , they said people don't do this but should do it and so we immediatly contacted our solicitor and have arranged to have this done also added that the grave is sealed as full that will stop this niece putting anyone else in as she has said she would have her parents put in there( only room for one more cremation casket) as if Cathy was going in there so could they !!!!! Think she is a very silly girl (age 37) who is getting lots of people quite angry with the stupid things she is saying, one of her cousins has threatened to sort her out, as I said families who would have them

Pam xxxx

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond Report 9 Jan 2013 10:36

Hi Pam, my sympathy on the loss of your sister in law. I think it's sad that there are some people who cause upset at such a time. Your niece sounds really silly and childish. Maybe she will stay away from the funeral and let it go ahead as it should, or if she attends I hope she will behave in a dignified manner and not cause problems at the scene.

I am quite glad my son will only have me to sort out - I want my ashes put in with my daughter or if not possible, scattered over the top. No one else will have any say in things.

I remember my brother causing arguments when my Dad died, he wanted to order a big showy wreath cos he and his wife are like that, but I told him what Mum had said, Dad hated wreaths and only liked sprays of flowers. My brother was adamant he would order what he liked (with no regard for what our Dad liked or disliked) It caused discord when there should have been none and upset my Mum.



David Report 9 Jan 2013 10:45

For the survivors death causes grief,shock and anger,sometimes bordering on rage.Takes some getting over,longer for others.

Arguing is a form of communication,though not the ideal.
Given time we get over it,we must.


Greenfingers Report 10 Jan 2013 18:04

No, some people have no feelings for the dead or those that are left, others are also greedy and wish for everything to go their way. As said before make sure your will details exactly what you want.


Chrissie2394 Report 12 Jan 2013 21:57

Sympathy on your loss Pam.

Sometimes grief does bring out the worst in people doesn't it. Also your OH could transfer rights of ownership now if he wanted, called a living transfer. I have just done that on behalf of my nan. She gave a family member the paperwork to the grave some years ago but legally that meant nothing. As I hold power off attorney for her I was able to do it. It's much easier and cheaper than doing it after someones death (if it's not been mentioned in the will).