General Chat

i havn't been rr for a while so i will chance my luck

god saw eve walking around the garden of eden looking sad
whats the matter asked god eve pointed at her bust and said this doesn't feel right i have 2 arms 2 legs 2 eyes etc why have i got 3 of these so god remove1 and threw it into the bushes
the next week he again saw eve looking sad
when asking what was wrong eve said all the other animals had a mate and she had no one
god said i can soon put that right

now where did i put that useless tit

God loves everyone, but probably prefers"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"


;-)

:-D :-D :-D

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done!"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi."

They explained their problem to the Rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the voice, "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well.
He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion.
She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

:-D :-D :-D @ SueCar

El Teigr. That joke is really taking the ;-)

Well, ages since I've been on the General Chat board but all those Christian jokes have made me chortle!

Haven't read ALL of them though so apologies if my one is a duplicate . . . Here goes . . .

Adam says to God, "God, why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So you'd love her, Adam."
"Then why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she'd love you, Adam."

excellent!!!

Two Nuns were driving alone out in the Peak district. They ran out of Petrol.
Fortunately they could walk to a petrol station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of Petrol. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot."
The Nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the Petrol into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

a man decides to get off the dole by becoming a vicar
he goes to see the bishop who points out he needs a basic knowledge of the religion and asks him 3 questions
1 who was born in a stable ?he thinks for a bit and answers red rum
2 what do you know about damascus ?again he thinks for a bit and answers it kills 99% of household germs
3 what happened when the appostles went to mount olive

the man answered straight away that he knew that one



popeye battered them

When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another county, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.

:-D

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunken man who smelled of beer sat down in an
underground train, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies,
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response,
"Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered,
"I don't Father...... I was just reading here that the Pope does."



Roy

"WWJD"...

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps
with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay £15.95 for one of these caps."

Mr Magoo, I would have found your post offensive whatever terms you used. I won't call it a joke because to me it was not.

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".

:-D

There was a knock at the door and 3 people were standing there.
"Who are you representing" I asked.
"Jehovah Witnesses and we would like a chat with you sir" was the reply.
"Please do come in and have a seat"
"Now what would you like to drink"
"We would like tea ,coffee and a glass of milk, thank you"
"Here are your drinks and also a selection of biscuits"
"Now what would you like to chat about"
"We don't know because we haven't got this far before.

Now if that's not squeeky clean I'll show my **** in Harrods window.

GP

Well said MR_MAGOO I agree with you.

It seems that my "joke" has been the topic of the day. Well had i changed the said three parties to Englishman/Scotsman/ Irishman i very much doubt it would have had the same response.

Everybody is entitled to their own opinion and religious beliefs can voice them on here.

Not saying anymore on the matter........over and out.

'George' said a country vicar to one of his oldest parishioners, 'why is it that immediately after evening service every Sunday, you go straight across the village green and into the Rose and Crown?'

'Well, vicar, said old George, 'I suppose it's what you would call a ''thirst after righteousness''.'

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"