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FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT

ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Porkie_Pie

Porkie_Pie Report 11 Mar 2013 19:54

Just copied this from another site, Well i think its funny


IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are
things people actually stated in Court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were taking place:
_________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget ...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death ...
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And lastly:.....

____________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Roy :-D

JustJohn

JustJohn Report 11 Mar 2013 19:59

:-D :-D :-D

Did I find them all funny, Roy??? ORAL ;-)

Tracey

Tracey Report 11 Mar 2013 21:00

HA HA BRILLIANT :-D :-D :-D :-D

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 11 Mar 2013 22:43

love it :-D :-D :-D

**Ann**

**Ann** Report 11 Mar 2013 22:47

So funny :-D

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 11 Mar 2013 22:49

Porkie_Pie now that's funny. utteryly brilliant. :-D :-D :-D

Mauatthecoast

Mauatthecoast Report 11 Mar 2013 23:07

:-D :-D :-D

maggiewinchester

maggiewinchester Report 11 Mar 2013 23:41

:-D

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 11 Mar 2013 23:45

just read it again - I'm in stitches - thanks for the laugh

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 11 Mar 2013 23:47

Brilliant :-D :-D

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 12 Mar 2013 00:50

Very funny :-D

If the stories are true....... scary! :-(

OneFootInTheGrave

OneFootInTheGrave Report 12 Mar 2013 07:59

Loved every one of them, especially the last one :-D :-D :-D

ChAoTicintheNewYear

ChAoTicintheNewYear Report 12 Mar 2013 09:46

I've read this before. I laughed then and I'm laughing now :-D :-D