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OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
It read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'
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SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,'
she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
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Politics:
Suffering from hysterical apathy, I'd like to vote for a mad swivel-eyed loon.
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MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
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I know it's been around for ages and some spoilsports say he never said it but it always makes me smile.
“WE TRAINED HARD, BUT IT SEEMED THAT EVERY TIME WE WERE BEGINNING TO FORM UP INTO TEAMS, WE WOULD BE REORGANISED.
I WAS TO LEARN LATER IN LIFE THAT WE TEND TO MEET ANY NEW SITUATION BY REORGANISING, AND A WONDERFUL METHOD IT CAN BE FOR CREATING THE ILLUSION OF PROGRESS WHILE PRODUCING CONFUSION, INEFFICIENCY AND DEMORALIASATION”
CAIUS PETRONIUS (AD 66)
Mayfield 2013 Nothing has changed.
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Why there are no male agony aunts...
Dear Jim,
Last week I left for work as usual but having only got a mile down the road my car broke down so I walked home.
Arriving unexpectedly, I found my 21 year old baby sitter handcuffed to the bed with my husband bent over her!
Obviously I'm totally devastated. Please can you help? Sally.
Dear Sally,
A common cause for this can be dirt in the carburettor probably pushed through from the bottom of your fuel tank via the pump.
Try not to let your fuel drop too low in the tank.
Hope this helps. Jim.
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Shared from a friend on FB:
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's a***. It's the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so,I'm retired, go around me.God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????
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Feminine dress offers a challenging mixture of invitations & impediments.
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Just had this from friend on FB....
..Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
· Paddy got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking him for his interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
· Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
· Murphy is doing some roofing work for Paddy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Paddy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Paddy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Murphy replies "No I only live round the corner."
• After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
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