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Jokes :)))

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 11 Jun 2013 23:14

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

JustJohn

JustJohn Report 11 Jun 2013 23:17

:-D :-D

Mersey

Mersey Report 11 Jun 2013 23:17

:-D :-D :-D

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 11 Jun 2013 23:22

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick, decide to open a pub.

Bizarrely, it is a complete disaster. For reasons they cannot fathom, they have no customers. The pub is a failure - they are staring financial ruin in the face.

"Mick," says Paddy, with an air of desperation, "I think we should close the pub and open a brothel."

"Don't be ridiculous, Paddy," says Mick. "If we can't sell beer, we'll never sell soup."

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 11 Jun 2013 23:24

Prince Charles makes a royal visit to Los Angeles. The mayor and other bigwigs are at the airport to greet him. The royal jet touches down and Charles gets out wearing the wierdest looking hat they've ever seen - it's made from a dead furry animal, with little legs hanging down at each corner and a tail in the back.

Everyone is too polite to mention the hat, so they welcome him to Los Angeles and give him a tour. That night there's a big reception at the mayor's house. Charlie is still wearing the hat. The wine flows freely, and eventually the mayor plucks up his courage and says: "By the way, your royal majesty, that's a very unusual hat."

Charlie replies: "Yes, it is rather fetching, isn't it. Last night one said to Mama, 'I say, Mummykins, one shall be visiting Los Angeles tomorrow, what should one wear?' She replied: 'Los Angeles? Wear the fox hat.'"

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 11 Jun 2013 23:27

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

___________________________

Susan10146857

Susan10146857 Report 12 Jun 2013 02:26

Prince Charles makes a royal visit to Los Angeles. The mayor and other bigwigs are at the airport to greet him. The royal jet touches down and Charles gets out wearing the wierdest looking hat they've ever seen - it's made from a dead furry animal, with little legs hanging down at each corner and a tail in the back.

Everyone is too polite to mention the hat, so they welcome him to Los Angeles and give him a tour. That night there's a big reception at the mayor's house. Charlie is still wearing the hat. The wine flows freely, and eventually the mayor plucks up his courage and says: "By the way, your royal majesty, that's a very unusual hat."

Charlie replies: "Yes, it is rather fetching, isn't it. Last night one said to Mama, 'I say, Mummykins, one shall be visiting Los Angeles tomorrow, what should one wear?' She replied: 'Los Angeles? Wear the fox hat.'"


I don't get it :-(

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 12 Jun 2013 02:51

what the fox do you mean?

:-D

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 12 Jun 2013 10:08

Susan10146857 I could not possibly explain the joke to a lady such as you on here, might I suggest you phone a friend on this one. :-)

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 12 Jun 2013 16:43

In breaking news - Parliament was sealed off today while police chased an escaped lunatic.

One officer said "It was like looking for a needle in a haystack." :-D
-------------------------------------------------------------------------





Just seen a sign outside B&Q saying, "Stainless Steel Sinks"

Bit obvious I thought... :-D

jax

jax Report 12 Jun 2013 16:57

It took a while but I get the Fox Hat joke now :-D

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 12 Jun 2013 17:01

I am so pleased lol :-)


Every time I leave my house, I'm followed by a bird with long legs.
I think I'm being storked. :-D

Mersey

Mersey Report 12 Jun 2013 17:15

:-D :-D :-D Im pinching some of these

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 13 Jun 2013 00:53

People quite often say to me, "BK, how did you become so good at poaching?"
And I just stand there, on my huge pile of pheasants and shout down "I'm just on top of my game." :-D
------------------------------------------------------------


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar".
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Steve McQueen..................." :-D

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 13 Jun 2013 01:16

A guy walks into a bar but is stopped by the bouncer. "I'm sorry,
I can't let you in without a tie."

The guy goes back to his car and looks for a tie, but all he can
find is a set of jumper cables. So he ties the jumper cables
around his neck and heads back to the bar.

The bouncer looks him over and says, "I'm going to let you in. But
don't start anything."

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 13 Jun 2013 17:22

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

George

George Report 13 Jun 2013 17:27

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the
pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same type of plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, the
little plane couldn't handle the weight and eventually went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick "Any idea
where we are?"
Mick looked around and replied, "I think we're pretty close to where
we crashed last year."

George

George Report 13 Jun 2013 17:42

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I
ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 13 Jun 2013 18:00

The doorbell rang and when I opened the door I found my mother-in-law on the front step.

She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"

I said, "Of course you can." And shut the door.
______________________________________




A little boy runs into the Women's changing rooms where they are all naked.
The women shriek in horror.

"What" says the little boy, "haven't you seen a small boy before?".

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 13 Jun 2013 18:15

The fog was swirling over the great River Thames as a young tramp
settled himself on the embankment for the night.

Suddenly he was roused by a gentle voice and, looking up he saw a
beautifullady alighting from her chauffeur-driven Limousine.

"My poor man," she said, "you must be terribly cold and wet. Let me drive
you to my home and put you up for the night."

Of course, the tramp didn't refuse this invitation and climbed into the
car beside her.

After a short drive the car stopped before a large Belgravia Mansion and
the lady stepped out, beckoning the tramp to follow her. The door was
opened by the butler, into whose charge the lady gave the tramp, with
instructions that he should be given a meal, a bath and a comfortable bed
in the guest's room.

Some while later, as the lady was preparing to retire, it occurred to her
that her guest might be in need of something, so slipping on her negligee,
she hurried to the guest room and saw a chink of light from under the
door,indicating that the young man was awake.

Knocking softly on the door, she entered the room and enquired of the
young man why he was not sleeping.

"Surely you're not hungry?"

"Oh no, your butler fed me royally."

"Then perhaps your bed is not comfortable?"

"But it is soft and warm."

"Then you must need company. Move over a little....."

The young man, overjoyed, moved over....

And he fell into the river....... :-D