General Chat

Part One.....The beginning


I recently went to the doctor’s for my six monthly diabetes review. That was fine, and during the review I told my doctor that there were a few other things that I wanted to discuss.

So, review over, she asked “Well?”

I was almost prompted to answer, “No! Otherwise I wouldn’t be here” but thought better of it, as I suspect that she needs a sense of humour transplant.

So I mentioned a small growth on my lower arm, which I’ve had for a while, and which I thought was a wart. She grabbed my arm with a vice-like grip, muttered something, and then produced a magnifying glass.

After scanning the offending (and by now offended) growth. She delivered her verdict: sun damage. Not actually a melanoma, but nevertheless she could quite easily zap it off! At the time that she made this pronouncement she had a weird glint in her eye.

Nothing more was said so we moved on to a few medical details of my forthcoming trip to New Zealand, particularly which medication I was going to need for the flight, to help prevent blood clots.

All done and dusted, I was about to leave when she suddenly asked, “Do you want me to zap that thing now?”

Remembering the look on her face when she first examined it, and thinking that she might break down in tears if I refused, I said yes!

There are some days when it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed!

The doctor shot out of her seat and with a near cheerful voice she said that she would go and get the liquid nitrogen.

Liquid nitrogen? That was never mentioned earlier!

Too late now.

She soon returned with a polystyrene beaker from the top of which copious quantities of vapours were pouring. It was like a scene from Dante’s Inferno, or an imitation of Dr. Faustus. I fully expected the lighting in the surgery to start flashing red and green, coupled with peals of thunder.

From the beaker she extracted a wooden spatula around which had a thick wadding of cotton wool on one end, dripping a clear liquid.

Once more exercising that grip of steel on my arm, she slowly, very slowly, let three drops of the liquid fall on to the growth. Ah well, that wasn’t too bad.

And then it started.

And........????

Hurry up..........I want the rest of the gory details!!!!

:-D

Ohh, PH, too painful but I will struggle on :-(

No, not any pain from the procedure so far, but my doctor’s excitement.

“I’m doing this slowly at first, as some people have a reaction. When I use this on people I usually find one of three reactions. Some people have a severe reaction of third degree burns-like appearance, some a mild reaction, and some no reaction whatsoever”

Let’s analyse the above statement. Firstly she is not using it on a person but on a growth; secondly, how can something be third degree burns-like ? You either have third degree burns or not!

In any event I always thought that third degree burns was a Scottish poet who had joined Freemasonry.

At this stage, I could have added a fourth reaction. Alarm!

Now the drops came faster.

At length she seemed satisfied, and sat back in her chair.

“Keep an eye on it, and if it comes back, we’ll zap it again!”

Notice the use of the inclusive word ‘we’, also the phrase ‘if it comes back”

It’s not going on some flaming holiday; I’m hoping that it’s gone for good!

Then her next pronouncement, “And if that doesn’t do the trick we’ll dig it out”

Zap? Dig?

It’s a growth, not some bl**dy garden weed. If it was, I could have zapped it myself with weed-killer and dug it out with a trowel!

Her final pronouncement, “We’ve got 20 years to sort it out”

Excuse me, doctor, but in researching my family history, very few of the males have made it past seventy. You may have twenty years, but as I am now sixty-six, I haven’t!

All this must have been playing on my mind, as that night, I had a nightmare about this growth.

I hope it doesn't come back Allan.

They don't allow warts in New Zealand.

Know the feeling Allan, had a rodent ulcer on my upper back removed by that method, only my dermatologist used a sort of blow torch. How can freezing cold feel as if it is scorching hot?

Hope that has cured it anyway. :-)

I had that done on some skin thing and had no adverse reactions - no pain, nothing and it went

methinks you're a big baby Allan ;-)

The airport body scanners in New Zealand are highly sensitive.

If they find one.........an alarm goes off screaming...WART WART WART!!

You are then thrown into a contamination bag and sent back on the plane home in the luggage compartment.

I'm not even lying!!

The growth had developed a malevolent sneer and under it, in words etched in fire, the phrase. “Yummy. More”

I can only assume that the thing was asking for more liquid nitrogen.

Then it started to pulsate, and, in a scene reminiscent from Alien, it burst from my skin leaving me a frightened, gibbering wreck. Well, Ok, more of a frightened, gibbering wreck than I am now (I blame my wife).

Like Pandora, I would be blamed by the entire world for releasing this evil being on to unsuspecting humanity, without even the prospect of hope being saved.

As it consumed more individuals, it would just sit there, wiping the last vestiges of human blood and tissue, from what passed for its lips with bloated, blackened fingers, and growling, “Yummy. More!”

I awoke, bathed in perspiration, and looked at my arm. The bl**dy thing was still there, but in a freakish situation, a burn mark had developed on one side.

This gave it the appearance of an evil smiley face.( Ok, I know that is either an oxymoron or a contradiction in terms, but you will get the gist!)

This thing seems to have grown on me and we are in a symbiotic relationship.

We are also in a love/hate relationship: I love to hate it and it hates to love me, although it has become rather attached to me.

After nearly a week it is still there, as difficult to remove as some bad tenant from a house!

As for my wife, well, I hope that she still loves me, warts and all

BRILLIANT ALLAN- WARTS AND ALL!:-D :-D :-D...It's the way you tell them! :-D :-D

and PRICKLES- Great Back-up! :-D :-D :-D

:-D :-D :-D

Are you sure it's not a ganglion?

Try wacking it with a Bible.

I think a new avatar is called for :-D

Yer Allan

We need photographic evidence of your pulsating pustule. :-D

I wonder if Allan calls his wart Walter :-D :-D

OR Wart Zannol? :-D

I think he's fainted or summit.

I was only joking about the Bible!!!

:-0 :-0 :-0

he's probaby in therapy now - or his long suffering wife is ;-)

Samantha - naming un-necessary bodily articles - I do that!! :-D
Though, having said that one of my essential organs, since I found out about 4 years ago that I only have one, where I should have two has been named, as it must be lonely - hello to Kevin the Kidney :-D

If he was still around, I wouldn't share this, but when I had a haemorrhoid, (just the one), it was called Hector. :-D

Maggie.........i had a Fibroid called Phoebe.

:-D :-D

Gordon the Gangoolian :-0 :-D