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For amusement only. By the new Caz nr. Heathrow &

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 9 May 2012 16:07

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF !>
>
> A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
> normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you
> doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
>
> Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
> he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
> bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light
> goes off."
>
> "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
>
> A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs.
> White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because
> I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
> during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when
> he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
>
> "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,
>
> "He's weeing in the fridge again!"

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 3 May 2012 22:55

That last one must be doing the rounds, my sis sent it to me yesterday from the US, I was going to put it on but you beat me to it ;-)

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 3 May 2012 20:36

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period!

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have mysteriously vanished. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh dear!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.


Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 3 May 2012 19:59

I was sitting with my wife on the patio the other evening sipping a glass of wine.

I said "I love you , I don't know how I could live without you"

My wife said "Is that you or the wine talking?"

I said "It's me - I was talking to the wine."

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 2 May 2012 16:08

Nice one PF :-D

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 30 Apr 2012 21:02

Wife by text to husband at work :- "Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"


Husband :- "Spray some de-icer, or pour warm water on them!"


Wife :- 15 minutes later :- "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 16:40

Scouser Jokes

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Chelsea fan and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'

'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan'.


An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'


Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk.

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 29 Apr 2012 10:52

You excelled yourself there PF :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 10:02

REMEMBER WHEN:



All the girls had ugly gym slips



It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a purebred dog


You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny


Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces

All male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done
every day and wore high heels



You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served,
without asking, all for free, every time..



It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a
real restaurant, with your parents


They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed the
school year. . . And
They did!


When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...
And people went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in
the car,
In the ignition, and the doors were never locked


Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles?


Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of
the game


Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic
seals
Because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger


And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip
back in time
And savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?


When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the
fate that awaited you at home


Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of
drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Our parents and grandparents
were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was
greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops,
skating and visits to the pool, eating lemonade powder or liquorice
sticks.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember
that'?



I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a Double Dare
to pass it on. To remember what a Double Dare is, read on, and
remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know
better and too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can still remember the Lone Ranger and
Sgt Bilko


How Many Of These Do You Remember?
Coca Cola in bottles.


Blackjacks and bubble gums.


Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops


Hi-If's & 45 RPM records.


78 RPM records!


Adding Machines.


Scalextric.


Do You Remember a Time When..





Decisions were made by going 'Eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tadpoles could happily occupy an entire day?







It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was
'chickenpox'?


Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a slingshot ?


War was a card game?


Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?


Taking drugs meant orange - flavoured chewable aspirin?


Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?












If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their 'Grown-Up'
Life..
Double Dare You!

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 09:58

The £4.99 Special



We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £4.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £6.99 because you're ordering a la
carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES !' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.



She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS !!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once !

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 09:17

"The Green Thing"

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, We didn't have the green thing back in my day.

The clerk responded "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care
enough to save our environment."

He was right that generation didn't have the green thing in Its day.

Back then they returned their milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a
300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 240 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then they had one TV or radio, in the house not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Western Australia . In the kitchen they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then they didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. They
used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode
the school bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just
because they didn't have the green thing back then?

I remember all of that.

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 09:14

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,
“What’s your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 09:12

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila



Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 09:10

· I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
and - keeps me warm in bed!
(author unknown)

o

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 09:08

I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans.

Someone called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".

All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line" .. . .

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 09:07

A Pakistani’s son asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"



"Well son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"



"But dad, aren't the white people pi**ed off about it?"



"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'"

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 29 Apr 2012 08:59

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with
a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

· A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake
fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

· I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

· My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I
can get one cheaper off the web.

· I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

· I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good
Korea move.

· I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The
driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

· Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

· My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

· Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod that"
says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

· Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator
says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is
building up!"

· I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I
presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

· I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was
petrified.

· A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and
talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a
wheelchair.

· I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you
get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

· The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes
back.

· The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

· When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that
they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloomin thing

· Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has
stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the
attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

· Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I
could eat it!

· A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea
break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear
and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have
their picks nicked

· Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit
on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Boom boom.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Apr 2012 22:36

nudge

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 5 Apr 2012 23:58

fort this thread was gonn into cyberspace.........

Bob

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 5 Apr 2012 16:19

Roflol~~~

Brill ;-) ;-)