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For amusement only. By the new Caz nr. Heathrow &

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 15 Dec 2011 19:02

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and
searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this
ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked
at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME... YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything
else.So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front
seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog
whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So! The older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young,
handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLDER LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLDER LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLDER LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*






SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND!!!




She's older..... NOT BLOODY DEAD!!!!!


OLD LADIES ROCK










Don't you just love it !!!!

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 11 Dec 2011 14:58

Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?

Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards still spells “race car”?

And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it spells:

“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”

How weird is that?

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 11 Dec 2011 14:53

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. . .


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 10 Dec 2011 17:39

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 6 Dec 2011 14:17

A Neighbours Dog.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
Hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my front garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
And ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 5 Dec 2011 12:42

Nice one P F.
Sandie.x

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 4 Dec 2011 19:03

This explains why I forward jokes.


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.


After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.


When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.

'I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.


After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Ssssoooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.


When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.



You are always welcome @ my water bowl anytime

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 4 Dec 2011 17:33

From Caz nr Heathrow


READ THIS SLOWLY....

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line.. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day , I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away. ... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.


It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!'

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~  **007 1/2**

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~ **007 1/2** Report 4 Dec 2011 08:36

Yes everyone has a different sense of humour. My point is that when some of the jokes are racist or prejudiced, they have no place on a genealogy forum.

*$parkling $andie*

*$parkling $andie* Report 4 Dec 2011 00:02

Every one has a different sense of humour . S R S.

Keep them coming P F.

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~  **007 1/2**

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~ **007 1/2** Report 3 Dec 2011 20:57

actually I find a lot of the jokes offensive. I was actually looking for some humour!

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 2 Dec 2011 14:50

FRIDAY FUNNIES
>
> I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my
> friend, "That's us in 10 years."
> She said, "That's a mirror, you fool!"
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says,
> "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs
> me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
>
> "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day
> off."
>
> "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls
> looking at me "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
> Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a
> girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
> "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were
> speaking German."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> Even though she had a nasty cold, my mother insisted on going to a church
> supper as planned. She tucked several tissues into her clothing, just in
> case she might need them.
>
> During dinner, she used the two in her sleeves, and then she realized that
> putting the third tissue into her bra hadn't been such a good idea. She
> discreetly tried to fish it out but couldn't find it. As she peeked down the
> front of her dress my dad hissed, "What on earth is the problem?"
>
> There was a lull in the conversation as Mom looked up from her neckline.
>
> "Oh, Dear," she said worriedly. "I had three when I came in."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Years ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
> witchcraft ---- now it's called golf.
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Did you hear that they are going to join You tube, Twitter & Facebook
> together to form the biggest social network site ever.
>
> They are going to call it You Twit Face.
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his
> ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
>
> The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
> The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
>
> I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
>
> She said. "No. I hate myself now."
>
>
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
> If Australia is the lucky country; then why are Spain, Italy and Greece
> getting new Prime Ministers?
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Dear God,
> My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
> Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
> AMEN!
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay
> just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and
> announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the
> handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We
> should be finished and on our way shortly."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> With fire alarms blaring at my mom's apartment complex, she grabbed her
> favorite bathing suit and ran out. "A bathing suit?" I said later. "Of all
> the priceless things in that apartment, that's what you chose to save?"
> "Material things come and go," she said. "But a one-piece suit that
> doesn't make you look fat is impossible to replace."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
>
>
> An apparent Drunken Cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh
> Theater.
>
> When the Usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the Cowboy,
>
> "Sorry, Sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
>
> The Cowboy just groaned but didn't even budge.
>
> The Usher became more impatient and insistent: "Sir, if you don't get up
> from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
>
> Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The Usher marched briskly back up the
> aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
>
> Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without
> success. He just laid there in a dazed stupor.
>
> Finally they had enough and summoned the police.
>
> A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "Alright
> buddy what's your name?"
>
> "Sam," the Cowboy moaned.
>
> "Where y'all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
>
> With terrible pain in his voice, a grim expression and without moving a
> muscle, Sam said, "The Balcony."
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
>
> A: Patty!
>
>
> Q: How do you make a hotdog stand?
>
> A: Steal its chair!
>
>
> Q: What washes up on small beaches?
>
> A: Microwaves.
>
>
> Q: Where do geologists go for good music?
>
> A: To a rock concert!
>
>

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 2 Dec 2011 13:57

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.


Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 24 Nov 2011 12:22

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
Bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
About!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
Feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

.. ………………. ...........................................................

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers
always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
in the bloody boat


Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 21 Nov 2011 17:13

Subject: Where I've Been




I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots.


Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.



I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognises you there.




I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those where I have worked.



I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.



I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.



I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.



Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.



One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense, It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.



And, as you all know, I can often be found in the State of Confusion!

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 21 Nov 2011 11:50

BRIAN

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into
the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian
Sullivan, every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything
right."


Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian
Sullivan."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
F****ing' widow."

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 20 Nov 2011 20:41

I have just discovered this important information below. Please share with all your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!


It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.

It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 18 Nov 2011 14:05

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.



The agent asked, 'What's your name?'


The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years, you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! You will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, he reads the letter enclosed.

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said.

I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation, once again many thanks.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 18 Nov 2011 12:27

> HOW TO START A FIGHT
>
>
> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
> Christmas gift...
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked me why, I replied,
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....
>
> ______________________________
>
> My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> 'Is that your final answer?'
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And that's when the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
> ________________________________
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
> she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
> that long?"
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
> to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
> busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>
> ________________________________
>
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> I said, "Dust."
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
> slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
> and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
> My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
> husband is out fishing in that?"
> And that's how the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
> seconds."
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
> And then the fight started......
>
> ________________________________
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
> Social Security.
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
> come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
> she processed my Social Security application..
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
> Social Security office...
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
> disability, too.'
> And then the fight started...
>
> ________________________________
>
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
> And then the fight started........
>
>

Pilgrim Father

Pilgrim Father Report 17 Nov 2011 16:38

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all
his
children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side,
while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could
help,
and he said,......'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.