General Chat

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the only seat remaining.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was again taken by another dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor!
Put this American in his place !'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship..' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.


Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde

Trembling, the cast-away replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;,

'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too

Just about sums things up!!!!!!

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you how."

Who Wants To be A Millionaire ???


My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'


'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'



That's the last thing I remember.


Darn woman, she has absolutely
NO sense of humour!

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street
when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked me
for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet,
got out ten pounds and asked,
'If I give you this money,
will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago',
the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping
instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,'
the homeless woman s aid.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon
instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you
the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with
my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless woman was shocked.
'Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and
I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him
to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up wine, shopping,
and hair appointments.'

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....




'Circumcised'

(this is priceless!)




A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.



She went back to find out what was going on.



He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.



The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.



He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.



Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.



She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.



'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.



'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini ,
Italy , went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and
asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors.This happened several times a week, and
sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'


'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

A young man is being shown around a computing firm and is introduced to the most up-to-date and sophisticated computer in the world. He is told that he may ask it any question , on any subject, and it is guaranteed to come up with the correct answer.
The young man asks the computer, “Where is my father?” and within a second the computer replies, “Playing golf at Sunningdale”.
“Incorrect”, says the young man, “My father is dead”.
“The man your mother married is dead”, says the computer, “Your father is playing golf at Sunningdale”.

Judge, to a member of the Jury Panel who was about to be sworn in but who stated he was deaf in one ear:
"I'm afraid you can't serve on the jury, You can only hear one side".

Two minor poets died and when they arrived at the Gates there was St. Peter to greet them. “Sorry!” said St. Peter, but I only have room for one mimor poet and so we’ll have a competition to decide which of you should come in and I will take the one who has the better poem ending with the word “Timbukto”.

The first poet stated:

"As I stood on desert sands
Gazing over the shimmering lands
The caravaner hoved into view
On hid way to Timbukto”

The second minor poet felt he could meet the challenge and said;

“Tim and I a hunting went
Spied 3 maidens in a tent
As they were 3 and we were 2
I bucked one and Timbukto”

An Englishman visited a brothel in Paris and on leaving, was very surprised to be handed 10,000 francs. He decided to call again the next evening and the same thing happened. On the third evening he was disappointed not to be given the francs and asked why, and was told, "We were not televising tonight".

A London cabbie having picked up a couple of American tourist at a Heathrow hotel and deposited them at the record-running thriller, "The Mousetrap", was dismayed when he was paid the precise fare and no tip. "The policeman did it!" he shouted after them, getting his own back.

Here are nine comments made by commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
>
> 1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
>
> 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
>
> 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
>
> 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
>
> 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
>
> 6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
>
> 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
>
> 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
>
> 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
>

The Portsmouth football team, not enjoying a particularly good start for the season, was taken by their manager Harry Redknapp on a relaxing visit to London Zoo in Regent’s Park. It was to take the players mind off a run of League defeats and the prospect of relegation if things didn’t improve. The manager and the players arrived at the crocodile pool, packed with deadly , evil, sharp-toothed creatures. After looking at them for a while it was decided to move on. All the players started to walk around the pook. The Manager, Mr Redknapp, took one look at the pool and calmly started to walk across it. James Bond style. He stepped on several of the treacherous beasts and eventually made the other side, dry and none the worse for his experience which had been watched by his amazed , horrified players.
“Blimey, Boss!, they chorused, “how on earth did you do that?”
At which point Harry opened his jacket to display a tee-shirt upon which was written in large letters: POMPEY FOR THE PREMIERSHIP TITLE!
Slowly looking at his players, he asked, “Now lads, in all honesty you wouldn’t even expect a crocodile to swallow that.”

Quite recently, sitting in my club, I overheard two Bishops at tea. One said to the other: "There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I do not approve of sex before marriage."
The other Bishop put down his tea-cup and said quite solemnly, "I totally agree with you, I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?"
The other Bishop looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I really can't remember - what was her name?"

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and get her."







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A duck walks into a pub and� orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Make sure read this to the end it is a classic











.

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, 'Did your mommy tell you to ask me?'
The boy said, 'Yes she did". ''Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!'

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.


'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.


The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

' So, Murphy, how was your day?'


Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..'


'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.


'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.


'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''


'Tunderin' lard Oh Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.


'I put drops in her eyes

Female Comebacks

Here are some lines women can use to counteract those tacky chat-up lines used by men.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing