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Thread for adopted children and siblings

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Sheila

Sheila Report 26 Feb 2012 22:42

Hi Sylvia,

I do understand where you coming from, hence the fact that any information given should be by pm in these cases. After talking a little more with the poster.
It is not that long ago there was a taboo about adoption, and a lot of secrecy, whilst I agree with you that there maybe fear of contact, this would the same even if help was offered through the normal channels.
The flip side of that fear is that there is a lot of Birth Mothers out there who have lived in anguish about having their child adopted.many of them not given any other option.
It is not a good idea for anyone living to have their names put on these threads but it does happen every day, hence the title of the thread.
There is a bit of a double standard on here though, whilst everyone says it is not right to do this look at the success board and look at the first few stories. Most of them are either from adopted people or people who have traced estranged family members.
On the finding living relative board there are several requests for help. one from the site itself. If this is to be continued , surely the best way is to try and control how the posts and answers are dealt with :-)

jax

jax Report 27 Feb 2012 03:14

I think you will find the last three posts on success stories did not get their infomation from the boards.

Some people get their info from tree contacts, whether it is direct family or maybe a relation who knows them.

I have not had a child adopted, but I think how easy it would be for a child of mine to find me, as I am the only person with my name so my marriage is easy to find....My sister also has a one off name and is still single... find her on Facebook you find me...whether I wanted to be found or not.

So if these details were sent by pm who knows whether contact is welcome until there is a knock on the door.

Very tricky subject really

jax

SylviaInCanada

SylviaInCanada Report 27 Feb 2012 03:53

The unsafe site is the major reason why I do not, and will not, help people looking for living relatives, or birth family.


Not that I do not appreciate the need for people to find their families, because I do


................ but because I do not believe that THIS site, or any other non-secure site, is the place to do it.


and also because I believe that both adoptee and birth family need counselling and support before and during the search, and after the search is concluded.


We cannot offer this support, nor should we. Nor should we be expected to offer it.




sylvia

Sheila

Sheila Report 27 Feb 2012 08:36

Jax

it is not only in seach trees that people find their family, many put posts on this site and get help, I welcome this dicussion as giving different views.
As you say you have an unsual name and it would be very easy to find you if not on here say FR or facebook or twitter etc.
The problem with search trees and adoptees etc is that you may be giving out personal info to a distant relative who may then inform the rest of the family via idle gossip.
The best way to avoid this is to put the person who is looking in touch , with ther person they are looking for, the reality is anyone over the age of 37 does not have any counselling whatsoever, armed with their BC they can track family down.
This site has actively encouraged this, remember their programme Long lost families many of these programmes where about adoption related themes. or looking for long absent Fathers.
I do fully understand everyones fear about how this will affect the people they make contact with, that said this contact will be made anyway, and although many people believe that the agencies do it it the correct manner this is not always so.
My first interview with a SW was to tell me I have never done this before, so it will be a learning curve for both of us. I do not want the biggest deciscion of my life to be controled by someone just be winging it. Also when they write to the Birth Mothers I know of letter that are sent on Letterheaded pages stating the name of the agency, hardly subtle.
In a ideal world there would be more help for these agencies, they are probably unstaffed and sometimes have only done the odd day course in mediation.
But if this site is encouraging people to come on here search there should be sensible guidlines and help on here.
And to be honest if we will not do look ups and help on living people there is no point on this thread :-(

Flick

Flick Report 27 Feb 2012 10:14

There is surely a huge difference between looking for living relatives who have just disappeared off a person's radar, and looking for those who have been adopted.

As for guidelines - how many people who post on here ever bother to read even the ones that already exist?

Sheila

Sheila Report 27 Feb 2012 20:13

I am not just aiming this board at adoptees, when this board was the TTF board, the rules where obviously flouted then ,as in order to put a message on there you had to have that person in your tree, given that the poster wasl ooking for someone one then they obviously did not have this. and yet it was allowed and may searches ended up on the Success Board.
Maybe it is the format of this thread that is a pronlem now, as it is a message board now, before people had to send privte messages to the poster.
The problem being if somone now ask to find Joe Bloggs, then they are immediately then asked ., what relation are you to this person., ? what is your connection etc.
When newbies then return with wads of information to add they are berated for putting personal info on this site :-S

Kay????

Kay???? Report 27 Feb 2012 23:07


Often the person maybe posting in the very slim hope their message is seen by who ever their post has named or related family members,and not because they need any help from anyone..the site is so vast and widely known all over the globe that they could get a lucky break.

Sheila

Sheila Report 28 Feb 2012 00:11

Kay in an ideal world that would be wonderful :O) but they could achieve that by just putting that person in their tree, though we all know how hard it can be for someone to get a reply from somone who has a match on your tree ;O)
But these are normally people who want help, otherwise there would be no reason for other members to try and supply them with info.

adrian

adrian Report 3 Apr 2012 00:37

As an adoptee, I feel I have some insight. I recently found my family in 2009, and I was adopted in 1960. My birth-mother and sister were very excited about reuniting.

The main issue in get reunited, was that I was born in England and adopted by Americans. I had very little information to go on, except for my birthname. It was with the help of a very kind man, who lived in England, that I was able get many missing pieces. I came to meet him on another site Missing-You.net. He wanted no monies, no credit, but just wanted to help. Now, I can use this site to do the research on my family history and it is so exciting! From having nothing, and feeling that I would die knowing nothing, I've traced family on both sides to the turn of the 19th century.

Only an adoptee knows the the empty feeling of not knowing who or why. So any help they can get, is help. It takes an open mind to search for a birth family, because it is highly likely it's not who or how you imagined. Because someone took the time to help me unselfishly, I will do what I can for other adoptees.

I don't feel there's a right way, or wrong way concerning who helps you...as long as they're helping you.

gloria

gloria Report 14 Jun 2012 20:37

I am not sure I am doing the right thing here but my mother past on 12 years ago. God bless her! I found out after the death of my dear father 8 years ago from my Aunt who lives NZ that my Mother had a daughter in 1950 and gave her up for adoption.
I was so shocked at this news , neither my Mum or Dad ever told my sister and me of this. I have struggled to get my head around why my Mother gave up her daughter. I do realise times were different then but my goodness.
what a difficult thing to do.
I believe this lady (my half sister ) did try to contact my mum. To no avail sadly.
Eleanor is or was her name if she is out there and the name Speirits means anything to you please get in touch XX :-)