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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

GinaS

GinaS Report 20 Jan 2012 18:06

Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes (LOL OMG e.g.).
I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have
all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:

* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
* WTP - Where're the Prunes
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)

Greenfingers

Greenfingers Report 21 Jan 2012 19:30

Very good Gina

can I add one ?

CUCS......Can't Understand Computer Speak

and sorry one for the men

WAMG.....Where are my glasses ?

My OH would use that a lot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 22 Jan 2012 20:05

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a famous Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

GinaS

GinaS Report 23 Jan 2012 10:49

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)







"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

GinaS

GinaS Report 25 Jan 2012 09:11



The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH :

Please enjoy and understand the following


2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE
TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE
SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?


GinaS

GinaS Report 2 Feb 2012 09:27


Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?





If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?



If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
(I have wondered this for years!!!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together,
it spells 'THEIRS'?

GinaS

GinaS Report 2 Feb 2012 09:43




ouch!

9 months later!!!






Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?.. you know you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)


GinaS

GinaS Report 2 Feb 2012 10:04

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....... Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional informationin Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the emptybarrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 2 Feb 2012 10:11

there was an audio version of that...........hilarious!!!

was rendered as an after dinner speech!

GinaS

GinaS Report 3 Feb 2012 22:43


WHY?




Why do American supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?




Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.



EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?




Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?



Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?



Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?







Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 6 Feb 2012 00:20

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar..He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... 'I'll try it -




Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 8 Feb 2012 16:53

with snow on the forecast we are encouraged to travel with a can full of petrol, a torch, a spade, a warm blanket, some food, salt and a mobile phone. Well to be honest I felt a right twit on the bus this morning!!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Feb 2012 20:42

LOL Ann you must get the same mail that i get?!!

Persephone

Persephone Report 15 Feb 2012 04:34

GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting
many..
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu (NZ) with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she just smiled, and he realized
what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 16 Feb 2012 14:53

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


1. A man comes into the ER and yells . .

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
To take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - and I was in the wrong
One.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco
______________________________________

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
Slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA
__________________________________

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
Husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
Reporting to the rest of the family that he had
Died of a 'massive internal fart. '

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
___________________________________

4. During a patient ' s two week follow-up
Appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
Me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.
'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
Out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
One.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA
______________________________________
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
_______________________________________________
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up
On a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very
Good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,
___________________________________________
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
When a young woman with purple hair styled
Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
Of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
Entered . . . It was quickly determined that
The patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the
Operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
Wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
Which said ' Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN no name,
_______________________________________________

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

___________________________________________________________

One More


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
_______________________________


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
Little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 18 Feb 2012 21:11

SUBJECT: The Pastor

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday,he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...


I love it when I make you smile...and I KNOW you are smiling!

GinaS

GinaS Report 21 Feb 2012 08:10


Some places I've visited ---

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there
before!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get
there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 24 Feb 2012 19:14



Since you started on the one-liners




You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.



I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the

packet 'Best Before End'



So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said

"Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."



I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a

kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"



So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't

care what star sign it is."



I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.

They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of

lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."



So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't

remember his name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and

I couldn't put it down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke

just went on and on.



My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a

tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel

a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece

of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone

for me."



So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full

of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.



So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."



So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said,

"Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you

an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can

I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not

stopping you!"



So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and

he says "Audi!"



So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,

"Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I

went "Moo" He said "You're closest"



So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing

Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.





I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. You

couldn't swing a cat in there.



I was stealing things in the supermarket today while

balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged

with shoplifting on three counts.



I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"

I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach

me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."



So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can

I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not

your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He

said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 24 Feb 2012 19:25

Subject: FW: JUST LIKE THAT ! - NOSTALGIA , .
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:18:47 +0000

Subject:* FW: Fw: JUST LIKE THAT ! - NOSTALGIA

*These are his --- brilliant! (Tommy Cooper)
*
1*. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

*2*. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key.'

3*. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4*. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I
couldn't find any.

*5*. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him
in.

6.* A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've
cut off your hands'.

7*. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8*. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the
craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

9.* Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10* Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'

11*. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'

12.* A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog
and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm
going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy

13*. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, don't *you* start.'

14*. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.

15*. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'

16.* Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5
people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu--- but I think it's Colin.

17.* Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18*. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19.* 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.'

*20* . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'




LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 13 Mar 2012 09:24

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."