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||19 Mar 2014 00:44
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last
breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that
he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.
It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.
BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic
Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'
'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a
'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!'
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie
was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'
* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever
seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'
'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
* * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare old coins and precious gems.
'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it
a good vone!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'
* * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's always
going to be a string attached.
||27 Feb 2014 15:50
MY FIRST CONDOM
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, No, not really.
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. Well, come on, she said, We don't have much time.
So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that condom on? She asked. I said, sure did, and held up my thumb to show her.
That's when she beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.....
||15 Feb 2014 16:44
GOOD CATHOLIC JOKE
Two nuns are assigned to paint a room in the convent, with a warning
from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of
the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
||9 Feb 2014 20:37
Wonder if this escapes the anti-racist campaigner who didn't like the Irish story on the General thread today!
||9 Feb 2014 20:26
In the street of the thousand lanterns
The East of Limehouse Reach
Lived a bland Chinee, who loved the sea
For he was a son of the beach.
At his pub called the Thousand Bung-holes
He would serve up dope and hashish
To a motley group who drank hair-soup
That was flavoured with Chinese moustaches.
He'd a wife called Who-flung-poo-poo
And at night when he came home merry
She'd jump out of bed, sling pots at his head
While the neighbours cried, 'Stick it, Jerry.'
They were married in umpteen-what-not
But they had no children sweet
She was fifty and fat, he was fatter than that
So never the twain shall meet.
They'd a beautiful niece called Wong-Wong
And Wong-Wong was yellow alright
Her father had been a Royal Marine
But two wongs don't make a white.
She'd eyes like the stars of the orient
And lips like hot cherries... yes, Sir
And the Chinks round Limehouse basin said,
'Oh, we must have a basin of her.'
She'd serve out the drinks and dance to the Chinks
And sing them an Eastern Pow-wow
If the tiddley Chinks had too many drinks
They'd go out to see a man about a bow-wow.
To the Port of a thousand Stenches
Came a Chinese junk one day
They'd sailed all the way from Suckitan Bay
That's an island off Houndsditch Way.
They'd a cargo of Chinese crackers aboard
But the crew had been wining with Bacchus
The ship bumped the dock, the crew got a shock
And the Captain sat down on his crackers.
To the bar of a thousand ales
From the ship came a conjuring man
A Celanese, from over the seas
By the name of Hugh Pi Kan.
In the bar each night the Chinks he'd delight
And out of a Chinese caddy
He'd bring three rabbits, two bucks and a doe
And he'd ask them to find the lady.
He'd bring oranges out of his nostrils
And present them as souvenirs
He'd bring flowers and plants from out of his pants
And raspberries out of his ears.
Poor Wong-Wong fell for his magic
For Hugh Pi Kan's love she was burning
And Uncle Wun Lung and to Auntie Who-Flung
'Wong-Wong's going to take the wong turning.
When the bar was closed and Limehouse dozed
Uncle watched and Auntie kept nix
They saw the young man called Hugh Pi Kan
Showing Wong-Wong his box of tricks.
With a yell that awoke Limehouse
Wun Lung drew his snicker snee
He stabbed Wong-Wong in her em-bong-bong
And sliced Pi Kan's vertebrae.
Then he tied both their pigtails together
And the pair in the river he threw
As they floated away tied together
He sang, 'I'll string along with you.'
All is silent in Limehouse Causeway
There is nothing but peasoup fog
It's so thick you can't see the lampposts
That's tough luck on a limping dog.
And that is the story of Wong-Wong
For a floating corpse is she
With her conjuring man from Suckitan
Who sailed o'er the Suckitan Sea.
||9 Feb 2014 20:18
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sightfilled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
||8 Feb 2014 19:38
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
||3 Feb 2014 12:46
HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Africans wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' they said,'How much are they?'
'We'll take TEN.'
(This posting should upset just about everybody!!)
||17 Dec 2013 19:40
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you.”...
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband
say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
||19 Nov 2013 12:46
Hits the nail right on the head
ONCE KNOWN AS ENGLAND
We live in a country called Daftland
The England we knew is no more
Where sensible people do ludicrous things
Or risk breaking some Daftland law.
In Daftland we've police dogs with muzzles
Less the villain has cause to complain
And to steal from a shop and say 'sorry'
Means your free with no stain to your name.
You had better leave lights on in buildings
When you lock up and go home at night
'cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering
And there's no way you'll be in the right.
When speaking be wary in Daftland
As some terms that you've used all your life
Now have connotations unintended
And you'll end up in all sorts of strife.
We elect politicians in Daftland
To give us the laws of the land
Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad
The whole thing has got out of hand.
The borders are open in Daftland
And of migrants there's no keeping track
Just a few of the thousands illegally here
Will ever be caught and sent back.
The exception to this is the hero
Who fought for this land in the war
He's old and he's sick, he might cost us a bit
So he's not welcome here any more.
When the history is written of Daftland
Historians may just recall
That the craziest people in Daftland
Were the public who put up with it all.
||19 Nov 2013 12:42
A drunken man walked into a biker bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. Looking around, he saw three men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and said:
'I visited your grandma today and
I saw her in the hallway - naked.
She is a fine looking woman!'
The biker looked at him but didn't say a word.
His mates are confused, because he is bad and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said:
'I had sex with your grandma and she was good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's mates are starting to get really wild
but the biker still said nothing.
The drunk leaned on the table one more time and said,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stood up,
took the drunk by the shoulders
looks him squarely in the eyes and said ...................
'Grandpa;.......... Go home!
||12 Nov 2013 11:48
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,
"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
" New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
" Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
" Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
" Really?" replied the boy, " Who'd she play for?"
||25 Oct 2013 20:58
There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said ' I don't know bout y'al, but I'm gonna wear me some hot pink panties before I get on dat plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied ' Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first'
The second lady said 'Well I'm gonna wear me some flo esant orange panties' 'Why you gonna wear dem? the others asked.
The second lady answered ' Cause if dis hare plane is going down and I be floating butt-up in da oshun, dey can see me first'
The third lady says, 'Well I'm not gonna wear any panties...........
'What? No panties? the others asked in disbelief The third lady says 'Dats right girlfriend, you hears me right, I aint wearin any panties, cause if dis plane goes down honey,
dey always look for da black box first!'
||17 Oct 2013 21:33
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "Ive heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So lets talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I dont know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I havent the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you dont know shit?"
||5 Oct 2013 21:49
Funny, its OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, etc., etc., but we're told its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims.
The sooner we are all on same level playing field the better.
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your bum with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it,
You may be a Muslim.
||30 Sep 2013 23:54
So that's why the tomatoes in my greenhouse are so red and the cucumbers are small ;-)
||30 Sep 2013 23:51
Bit rood for a munday.
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden
naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to
her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed
her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.”
||30 Aug 2013 02:05
Tell me why..............
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
||27 Aug 2013 03:56
ROFL Bob :-D
My OH wouldn't fit under our bed :-)
I'm not the boss, but he calls me The Boss.
||27 Aug 2013 01:22
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"