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The British Newspaper Archive

British Newspaper Archive

Read about historical events at the time they were happening. Perhaps you'll discover your ancestor in their local newspaper?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:21

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The pet shop owner shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the pet shop owner, "It used to live in a house of ill repute and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,

"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "Oh goody, a new house of ill repute and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a house of ill repute," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Unbelievable squawks the parrot. A new house of ill repute, a new madam, and now two new ladies of the night," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not ladies of the night" complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"This is Incredible squawks the parrot, a house of ill repute, a new madam, two new ladies of the night, but some things never change as I see we've still got the same old clients..........................

How ya doin', Dave?"


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:20

House of ill repute.

See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..

There were four men .......

One was walking briskly up the hill;
One was inside the brothel;
One was walking slowly down the hill and
The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?

* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finnish

Now wait for it ....
Ya gonna love this ...................................................

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:19

A young guy having just met his blind date in the pub bought her a drink and as they were sitting there, some jive music came on the jukebox.

She said, "There is something about the jive I find sexy."

So, to impress her, he waved his arms about doing the hand jive.

She started moaning that she was getting all wet.

He said, "that's good I must be turning you on?".....................

"NO" She said "you still have your bloody pint in your hand."


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:18

An 18 year-old girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and tells them:
that their daughter has informed him of the problem.

However he says, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take care of her and the baby.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a town house,
a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account,

If she gives birth to twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However the man says, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says to him......................

"You'll sleep with her again!"


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:16

A guy asked a girl in a crowded university library: "Do you mind if I
sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was
truly embarrassed and found another table to sit at.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's
table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$200 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:16

The Old Sailor & the prostitute.

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:15

Bob was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe the shop assistant to finish serving a customer.

When Joe was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?

Joe replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bob had sent her to buy.

Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge, and from the backroom Joe yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

To which Mary Louise replied.....................

"No, but for the teapot...........


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:14

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use.

Her answer was, “The rhythm method”.

“That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.

“I plan on using birth control pills” she said.

Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.

Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”

After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong.

She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.

Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers

I kick the bucket out,from under him


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:12

Story told by a woman:

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a
personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is
that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory
was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard his voice.

"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car."


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:11

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside? she asked.

The therapist told her - the only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,and she came across a young scruffy guy with the biggest pair of trainers on his feet that she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment and promised him she would pay him $500 if he could satisfy her.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had gone, but on the bedside table was $50 not the $500 he was promised.

The note read.....................................

With my compliments, $50 should be enough for you to buy a pair of trainers that actually fit your feet


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:10

You've probably heard this one before, but............;
MY Garmin - For those who have or don't have a GPS(Tom Tom)in their car - PRICELESS

I have a little Garmin
It sits there in my car
A Garmin is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Garmin
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Garmin is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:09

Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked
her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage covered by a
soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked
her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and said there is more.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Never" ...he said (breathing even quicker now as he was becoming very excited at the thought of what she would do next).

She gave him another sexy little smile and leaned forward and whispered in his ear ............................

"Well I had a problem while I was driving back from town after doing the shopping - so I suggest you open the garage and take a look at our car"


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:08

The American Indian was showing his new born child to the moon,, and one of his other children was watching, and asked "father , is it true that a new child is named by the first things that you see after showing the child to the moon?" "yes my son, your sister was named after the rising sun, and your brother by the sound of the Howling coyote..........."
Ah! says the lad.............that must be why I am known as "Copulating Two Dogs"


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:07

The teenage granddaughter came downstairs wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she went.

The next day the teenager came downstairs, and the grandmother was sitting there with no top on. The teenager wanted to die! She explained to her grandmother that she had friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

The grandmother said, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:06

Apologies to anyone named Valerie,

or Glaswegians...


The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5
000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,
the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was
still £5 000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh .."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I
was instructed to deliver your £15 000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:05

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:04

A traditional Irish wedding took place just outside Dublin in Ireland. True to tradition everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all the members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the witness stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional at an Irish wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing with the bride to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing with the bride to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leaps over the table, ran towards me and the bride and unmerciful kicked me in my groin."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy says to the Judge "it definitely hurt, after all he did......................

break three of the brides fingers"


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:03

A man went on holiday to a beautiful Pacific Island resort.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep on the beach and was badly sunburned.
The sunburn was so bad, he was taken to hospital

The doctor examined him, advised him to drink lots of fluids, and that he would prescribe V!agra.

The man asked "Does V!agra help sunburn?"

The doc replied "No, but it will help keep the sheet off you"


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:02

A guy met this woman in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?".

Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good because I am not that kind of girl."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it still won't do you any good because I am not that kind of girl."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good because I am not that kind of girl."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says "Oh, that's different......................

I'll go up to the bedroom so send her up.


Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:01

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome,
people with that condition walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome as he walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think it might be."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought it was Peltry Syndrome - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought it was Zovitzki Syndrome- but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"...................

The old man said, "I thought I had let some wind rip - but I was wrong, too!"