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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Mar 2013 23:26

Sharron n Tracey

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:

" Can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "Ive had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 5 Mar 2013 15:50

A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore Is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank ya, ma'am. Ah'm real pleased. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered she said...... Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 1 Mar 2013 13:59

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS:

>> 1) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was hot in bed last night.

>> 2) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

>> 3) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

>> 4) The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

>> 5) The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

>> 6) Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

>> 7) Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

>> 8) The patient refused autopsy.

>> 9) The patient has no previous history of suicides.

>> 10) Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

>> 11) Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

>> 12) Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

>> 13) Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

>> 14) Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
want to work her up.
>>
>> 15) She is numb from her toes down.
>>
>> 16) While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
>>
>> 17) The skin was moist and dry.
>>
>> 18) Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
>>
>> 19) Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>>
>> 20) Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
>>
>> 21) She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
>>
>> 22) I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
>>
>> 23) Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
>>
>> 24) Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>>
>> 25) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>>
>> 26) The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stockbroker instead.
>>
>> 27) Skin: somewhat pale but present.
>>
>> 28) The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
>>
>> 29) Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should
>> sit on the abdomen and I agree.
>>
>> 30) Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
>>
>> 31) Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 12 Feb 2013 22:30

So…anyway, there's this here yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda p....d off because he doesn't want to be yellow anymore, no way, Jose!
Life would be sooo easier if he were brown like the other toad dudes...
He'd sure be less visible to predators that's for one thing.
Anyway like....this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother who's like hanging out in this Timberland.
"Hey! Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm real hacked off being so visible to the bad guys. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown
Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow.
"Whoa, hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "You ain't done like the business, man, my compeller still yeller!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says,
"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Ah, Fairy Godmother! You're the very person I need to see!" says the purple bear, "I'm in a spot of trouble, old plum, you see I can't seem to raise any interest in the cute little bearesses, mainly because they don't really want to be seen with a purple bear like myself on account of the hunters. I'm rather an easy target, wouldn’t you agree?"
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand.

"Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple..
"I don't want to put you to any more bother, my dear lady!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "but the 'Wheels' on my undercarriage appear to be still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Ah Well, all's well and good my fine woman but how on earth does one find this Wizard of Oz?", the once-ever-so purple bear replies.
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.............

you know what's coming don't you ?

~~~

She flew off, saying........


"Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 12 Feb 2013 08:52

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just .. .. . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .... That ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. . Its. . Teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50..

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 9 Jan 2013 09:46

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you xxx."

I replied........"I am having a crap. What should I do?"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 30 Dec 2012 13:58

beats paying postage...........LOL

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 30 Dec 2012 09:55

some of you might enjoy this one

http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 30 Nov 2012 00:56

and on another

was written I Love grils............

written a bit lower the word GRILS was crossed out and Girls added.......
lower still Girls was crossed out . and someone had added the words
Whats wrong with us Grils?

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 30 Nov 2012 00:52

Reminds me of the scribble on a toilet wall...........

" my mother made me into a homosexual........"


written below.............If I donate the wool, would she make me one ???


George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 24 Nov 2012 13:58

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'


WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about this rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman...

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,
if he could screw, he could fly.'


FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'


SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'










George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 24 Nov 2012 13:47

One day a man decided to retire...


He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"








George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 24 Nov 2012 13:44


He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.



"Okay, okay I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"










Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 24 Nov 2012 00:25

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all-time favorite -

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 3 Nov 2012 15:43

Lifted from a Email........

A lady is suing her husbands' hospital, because after his latest round of treatment, he seems to have lost all interest in sex..........


an Opthamology spokesperson said,
We really cant put our finger on the cause for this,

all we did was correct his vision as he had defective eyesight...

Annx

Annx Report 30 Oct 2012 21:51

Brilliant Bob!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 30 Oct 2012 21:08

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.
In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his manhood sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arriss'.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 28 Oct 2012 08:11


Irish hospitality


“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 24 Oct 2012 19:25

THIS IS TOO CUTE!!




A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.



"Not yet," said the little boy.



His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.


He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.


He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? "he asks.

"Well" his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.


I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks their pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.



The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,



" You gonna tell him or should I ? "











Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 5 Oct 2012 09:42

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter....."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologist won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .