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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

ElizabethK

ElizabethK Report 16 Feb 2011 21:21

A young monk arrives at the Monastery
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the Church by hand
He notices,however that all the monks are copying
from copies,not from the original manuscripts
so the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this,pointing out that if someone makes even a small error in the first copy it would never be picked up !
The Abbot says "we have been copying from the copies for centuries but that is a good piont my son"
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the Monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives,in a locked vault that has nott been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Abbot,so the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing

We missed the "R"-We missed the "R"

The young man asks the Abbot "what is wrong father"
With a choking voice the Abbot replies-

The word was CELEBRATE !!

ElizabethK

ElizabethK Report 16 Feb 2011 21:21

A young monk arrives at the Monastery
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the Church by hand
He notices,however that all the monks are copying
from copies,not from the original manuscripts
so the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this,pointing out that if someone makes even a small error in the first copy it would never be picked up !
The Abbot says "we have been copying from the copies for centuries but that is a good piont my son"
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the Monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives,in a locked vault that has nott been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Abbot,so the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing

We missed the "R"-We missed the "R"

The young man asks the Abbot "what is wrong father"
With a choking voice the Abbot replies-

The word was CELEBRATE !!

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 16 Feb 2011 21:53

we liked it the first time Elizabeth!!!

ElizabethK

ElizabethK Report 17 Feb 2011 09:33

Sorry-they keep "zapping" the thread so it is difficult to know if it is a "repeat" !

Keith

Keith Report 17 Feb 2011 10:54

A of GG,

Sorry AofGG, but this joke is definitely a Nun, Nun on GR.

Keith

InspectorGreenPen

InspectorGreenPen Report 17 Feb 2011 11:02

Just read this on the news.

New Name For Viagra

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The Pharmaceutical Society has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. have also announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 18 Feb 2011 00:02

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'
Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

Keith

Keith Report 19 Feb 2011 12:31

So A of GG, you seem to like a good joke?

It would be fair comment to say that there are certain skills that are required of the GR. online helpers, firstly at the top of the list would be patience then followed by tolerance, and what I would consider to be a key skill is imagination, or perhaps a better word is ability. Are there clues in the messages that GR members post on the site that perhaps gives the GR helpers an idea of the person, which they are communnicating with, or does their imagination extend into the realms of exaggerated fantasy? I think that most people have the ability to daydream.

Forget about long gone family members for a moment and drift off into the realms of exaggerated fantasy, "hang on a moment what I am about to tell you may have been a highlight of a holiday to remember many years ago.

There is a fabulous hotel somewhere in the South of France perched on the top of a cliff with a winding staircase cut into the face of the cliff leading to a dreamy swimming pool, which its self is constructed on a ledge or terrace. Another 60m below the pool is a marina crammed with million dollar yachts and music can be heard from the yachts rising on the warm air currents. I think by now your imagination has created the place I am trying to tell you about.

Most of the guests at this hotel, after lunch had made their way to the pool not to swim but to find a sun bed and have a knap. By 2 pm there is not a ripple on the pool and all is silent, apart from an over weight American who is sitting on a high stool at the pool bar drinking whisky and Campari plus smoking a cigar the size of a telegraph pole and talking loud as they do.

The smell of the cigar smoke pleasing for some people, but not for others.
Suddenly a young man is seen making his way down the staircase running a comb through his dark heavily gelled hair as he descends. On reaching the bottom he slips the comb in his thong, and from the rear I would swear he had nothing on. You know the type I mean, he had a pair of those chromium plated shades on that reflect your image when you look at them. He skin was dark you would be forgiven if you had mistaken him for someone from that part of the world. As he promenaded around the pool the sleepy guests were stirring, caused by the hypnotic fragrancece of his after shave. A young lady chanced to glance at him as he approach on his 50th circuit of the pool, he smile softly at her and walk over to where she was lying and sat next to her.

"What a gorgeous day luv, mine if I sit with you" no she said help yourself. After talking for a while they both feel asleep and all was quiet. An hour had past when poser boy suddenly jumped up, walked to the end of the poll, climbed to the top diving board and with a triple summersault plunged into the beautiful blue water shattering the silence. At a brisk pace he swam six lengths of the pool jump out and went back to where the young lady was lying and sat down again. Wow!! she said you must be an olympic swimmer, "actually I am luv, how can you tell" with that the young lady walked to the edge of the pool, not as you might expect the end of the pool but midway, she dived in and struck out for the other side.

The power of her arms was that of a paddle steamer and the wake caused had lapped the edge of the pool causing some people to pick up their towels and retreat further back, after 20 widths of the pool she returned to her sunbed. Likewise the young man said, "Wow!! who are you trying to kid, you must be a professional swimmer". " Not really" the girl said, my name is Lilo Lil and I am a lady of the night. The lad answered, "whats that got to do with swimming, the girl answered " I come from Liverpool and I work both sides of the Mersey. Boom, Boom.

Keith.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 23 Feb 2011 19:04

Once upon a time, a Girl Potato and A Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west in the USA , they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P U (that's Potato University) so when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

Richie Benaud!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just...

Well he's just a... A COMMONTATER!!

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~  **007 1/2**

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~ **007 1/2** Report 23 Feb 2011 19:36

I'm sorry but I don't find that post appropriate for this board.

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~  **007 1/2**

~~~Secret Red ^^ Squirrel~~~ **007 1/2** Report 23 Feb 2011 20:53

I don't mind jokes but don't find rape an appropriate subject for a joke.

PS I haven't been rude or aggressive about it.

GoldenGirl1

GoldenGirl1 Report 24 Feb 2011 11:37

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says,"Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says,"No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says,"So am I. Let's go get a beer.."

Emmax

InspectorGreenPen

InspectorGreenPen Report 24 Feb 2011 11:47

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are deeply in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes £5 a week working in the corner shop and I have my paper round which pays £10. That's about £60 a month which should be just fine.

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will the two of you do should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 1 Mar 2011 17:39


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 note fell out
onto the footpath.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see
if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You
didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the
football stadium car park.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence,
right into my flower garden.
I used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
'Why not make the best of it? '
So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real
quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab
hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy!
Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. good luck! Oh, by
the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 3 Mar 2011 10:42

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question:

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: '. . . S&&t.'


InspectorGreenPen

InspectorGreenPen Report 3 Mar 2011 11:33

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fascinate.' The teacher sat down and cried


Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 4 Mar 2011 11:43

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.






"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Bob

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 5 Mar 2011 23:58

The value of a pencil



The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber..
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...
'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f****** thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 8 Mar 2011 21:35

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "yes" whispered the small voice.

"Can I speak to him please?' The child whispered, "no"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked
"Is your Mummy there?" "yes"

"May I talk to her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
Yes" whispered the child, " a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "Can I talk to the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

"The search team just landed a helicopter"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

"me"

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 8 Mar 2011 21:36





GRUMPY BUT TRUE

Let's put all retired folk in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct to which they would have to strictly adhere.

The "criminals" sent to the Care Homes would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Their lights would have to go off at 8pm, and they might be lucky and get showers once a week.
They would live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month for the privilege, and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.