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New Scottish Census

New Scottish census records

Do you have Scottish ancestors?

Perhaps you do and you just didn't know! Search our brand new Scottish census records today and discover if you have Scottish roots.

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Bobtanian Report 19 May 2011 23:45

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"


Bobtanian Report 20 May 2011 23:14

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Some old men can still think fast.


Bobtanian Report 21 May 2011 20:19

A few more of, "The old 'uns are the best!"

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says yes I have and I've been table ended and back scuttled a few times too.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature.

She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get her clothes back.

I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from A&E at the Hospital.

Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was!


George_of_Westbury Report 31 May 2011 17:41

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym,
"I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"
The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside!"



Bobtanian Report 13 Jun 2011 10:59

Does This Sound Like Anyone You Know??

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the Restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before

they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to

retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

" While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."



Bobtanian Report 28 Jun 2011 23:32

see if I can remember this'un.........

Male Blonde Joke

Sheriff in a way out Texas town was astounded to see a fairhaired cowboy, naked except for his boots, hat and gunbelt walking down the mainstreet!

sorry son he says, I gotta arrest you for indecent exposure.......
as he was locking him away in a cell, he says Son what made you walk around naked as the day you wuzz born?
well says the cowpoke I wuzz drinking in the saloon down aways and this pretty red head invited me to her home, so when we got there she says i'll take of my blouse if'n you'll take off yore shirt.....and she did,and so I did!

then she says If'n you'll take off yore pants, I'll take off my skirt..she did, and so I did.........then she says take off yer shorts and i'll take off my panties......... I did and so she did...........well then she says I'll lay on the bed, and you can goto town..................so I did............and here I am!!


Bobtanian Report 26 Jul 2011 02:11

A Right Little Raver!!

Last week, a woman checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she quickly rushed on talking, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?

"He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."


AnnCardiff Report 31 Jul 2011 23:03

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number? and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......

'Go get your Mother'


AnnCardiff Report 8 Aug 2011 00:15

Murphy is doing a crossword

Paddy he asks - how do you spell "paint"

Paddy - "What colour"??


AnnCardiff Report 15 Aug 2011 00:34

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tele this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu feely ar in ned ov innr pece


Bobtanian Report 11 Sep 2011 16:55

What A Coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence !



Bobtanian Report 11 Sep 2011 16:58

As we get older, we sometimes begin to doubt our

ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by

the remarkable achievements of other "seniors"

who have found the courage to take on

challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:


?I'm often asked:

'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering

background and one of the things I enjoy most is

converting beer, wine, whisky and port into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.

I do it every day and I really love it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.


Elizabeth2469049 Report 11 Sep 2011 18:41

>An older
gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices
with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients..
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.
>In a very loud voice, the
>All the patients in the waiting room
snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He
recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME
>The room erupted in applause


AnnCardiff Report 14 Sep 2011 22:21

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Fortitude Valley Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"


AnnCardiff Report 16 Sep 2011 18:41

Four Worms in Church
(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.

The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.

The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!


Bobtanian Report 18 Sep 2011 20:30

A tourist came across a Rabbi, praying at the wailing wall.....after waiting a while for him to finish, the tourist asked him how long he had prayed at the wall.........45 years he said,
and what is it that you pray for?
for there to be Peace in all the middle east and peace between all these warring nations...........

wow said the tourist, thats quite a while to have been praying.tell what does it feel like after all those years?

Like ive been talking to an £??(*&) brick wall was the reply..........


AnnCardiff Report 18 Sep 2011 20:59

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to push off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.


Bobtanian Report 18 Sep 2011 22:18

dunno about that, Anne, for ME to fit some of the clothes in MY wardrobe, I would have to have been starving!!



AnnCardiff Report 18 Sep 2011 23:42

oh dear!!!! :-D


Bobtanian Report 22 Sep 2011 18:05

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:

"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."