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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 22 Sep 2011 19:41

My membership at the gym didn't last long - I bent down and saw a hole in my trainer so I stuck my finger in it - she put in a formal complaint and I was immediately banned!!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Sep 2011 20:50

got this in a email, as you do.........I'm not clever enough to think these up!!

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'


First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 27 Sep 2011 23:07

he handed the bartender a £5 note for a pint of beer
the bartender gave him £15.40 change
he said - I only gave you a fiver
the bartender said - you gave me £20 actually - nice try though!!!!

Lynski

Lynski Report 8 Oct 2011 00:46

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes,crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candle-light; she put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which time the two had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.... and to spite the ex-wife they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Lynski

Lynski Report 8 Oct 2011 00:49

TECHNOLOGY

AFTER HAVING DUG TO A DEPTH OF 10 FEET AUSTRALIAN
SCIENTISTS FOUND TRACES OF COPPER WIRE DATING BACK 200 YEARS AND CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THEIR ANCESTORS ALREADY HAD A TELEPHONE NETWORK MORE THAN 150 YEARS AGO..

NOT TO BE OUTDONE BY THE AUSSIES, IN THE WEEKS THAT FOLLOWED, AN AMERICAN ARCHAEOLOGIST DUG TO A DEPTH OF 20 FEET. SHORTLY AFTER A STORY WAS PUBLISHED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES: "AMERICAN ARCHAEOLOGISTS, FINDING TRACES OF 250-YEAR-OLD COPPER WIRE, HAVE CONCLUDED THAT THEIR ANCESTORS ALREADY HAD AN ADVANCED HIGH-TECH
"COMMUNICATION NETWORK 50 YEARS EARLIER THAN THE AUSTRALIANS".

ONE WEEK LATER, ESSEX COUNTY COUNCIL, REPORTED THE FOLLOWING:

AFTER DIGGING DOWN TO 30 FEET IN COLCHESTER, JACK LUCKLOW, A SELF TAUGHT ARCHAEOLOGIST, REPORTED THAT HE FOUND " ABSOLUTELY BUGGAR ALL".

JACK HAS THEREFORE CONCLUDED THAT 250 YEARS AGO .
BRITAIN HAD ALREADY GONE WIRELESS."

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE BRITISH.

I apologise for the capital letters but that is how it was sent to me.

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 17 Oct 2011 10:05




A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.




George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 20 Oct 2011 19:24

New Words for 2011

* TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all')...

* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i..e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.



George

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 20 Oct 2011 19:26

husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery?"






She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."






"Excellent," he replies,
"I just won £10 , here's £5 - now Sod off!"











Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 21 Oct 2011 11:13

LOL george very droll!!

but good....
Bob

Me n the wife are going on a round the world cruise..........she's going east- west, and I'm going west-east, and we'll wave as we pass each other!!

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 21 Oct 2011 14:01

Murphy - "Christmas Day is on a Friday this year"

Paddy - "Crumbs, I hope it's not the 13th"

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 2 Nov 2011 21:49

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'






********************************************



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.





********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 7 Nov 2011 17:54

The Elderly Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:










"RETURNED UNOPENED"





George

Kicks

Kicks Report 8 Nov 2011 22:50

Love Story



I will seek and find you......


I shall take you to bed and have my way with you...


I will make you ache,shake and sweat until you moan and groan...


I will make you beg, ...


I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you ...


And.when I am finished, you will be weak for days.


All my love ,







The Flu,

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Nov 2011 23:15

Softly I called her to me, and she settled beside me, I caressed the back of her neck, but she realised that I had intentions in mind and she struggled for a moment, as I held her firmly. the deed was done and she wimpered a little and then relaxed as I released her from my grasp and she slid from my side..........................at last, this months dose of frontline was done........

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 24 Nov 2011 14:42

another one, unashamedly borrowed from an Email

Aye koodnee resist!!!


Scottish Romance
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.
Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"


Bob

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 13 Dec 2011 13:52

Paddy sent his wife a text - it read "I'm in the pub having a drink, I'll be home in twenty minutes"

"if I'm not home in twenty minutes please read the text again"

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 21 Dec 2011 18:47

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped to deliver the baby, cleaned the stable,made a casserole, brought practical gifts AND there would be peace on earth.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 31 Dec 2011 01:17

Anne

not the one from Glos or Green Gables

stood up in the local pub, and said it was time to get ready for the stroke of midnight to signal the start of the New Year...

She said that it would be nice if all the husbands stood next to the one person that had made their life enjoyable and worth living.

as the clock struck.........12

the bartender was almost crushed to death

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 6 Jan 2012 19:31

Subject: A German Tourist


Han's, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Han's. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Han's and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.













Han's leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"


George

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 16 Jan 2012 14:53

just (HAD) to slip this one in..........

dr's visit...




During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,
and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped
from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky
hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of a muddy marsh,
climbed underneath several evergreen trees and jumped away from an
aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a sh***ty golfer.