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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 3 Jun 2012 16:50

bought my friend a fridge for his birthday - you should have seen his face light up when he opened the door

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Jun 2012 22:02

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Jun 2012 22:04

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 10 Jun 2012 05:58

Masochist said "Beat Me! Beat Me!"

Sadist said: "NO!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 11 Jun 2012 00:45

pessimist says , we are only just over halfway there

optimist says its less than halfway to go

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 27 Jun 2012 12:40

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod . and how was your day?

That's what happens when old people start using technology!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 29 Jun 2012 00:22

an aunt once went to the dentist with a raging toothache,

she happened to say, i dont know whats worse, having toothache or having a baby..........make up your mind says the dentist, i need to know what angle to set the chair!!!


Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 3 Sep 2012 10:56

got this, in a Email, as you do.......



60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous
evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”



--
Impossible only means you have not found the solution yet!

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 7 Sep 2012 19:30

WOMEN'S BUM SIZE STUDY


There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their bums!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their bum is too fat...

10% of women think their bum is too skinny..
.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

George

Just dug this up from years ago Yes i know i should have buried deeper:-D

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 25 Sep 2012 19:26

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some terrible language this week and feel terrible about it"...
"When did you use this terrible language?" asks the mother superior...
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards"...
" Is that when you swore?"...

"No mother" said the Nun " After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away"...
"Is THAT when you swore?" the mother superior asked again...
"Well no" said the nun " You see as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away"...
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed mother superior...
"No not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws...it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball"
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the mother superior becoming impatient...
"No because the ball fell on a big rock...bounced over the sand trap...rolled on to the green and stopped six inches from the hole"...

The two nuns were silent for a minute...

Then the mother superior sighed and said " YOU MISSED THE 'KING PUTT...DIDN'T YOU?"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 2 Oct 2012 09:13

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .

I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds .

Broken pencils are pointless .

I tried to catch some fog . I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .

Velcro - what a rip off !

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too
Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.
I'm not a complete idiot.....some parts are just missing!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 5 Oct 2012 09:42

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter....."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologist won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 24 Oct 2012 19:25

THIS IS TOO CUTE!!




A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.



"Not yet," said the little boy.



His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.


He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.


He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? "he asks.

"Well" his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.


I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks their pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.



The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,



" You gonna tell him or should I ? "











Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 28 Oct 2012 08:11


Irish hospitality


“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 30 Oct 2012 21:08

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.
In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his manhood sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arriss'.

Annx

Annx Report 30 Oct 2012 21:51

Brilliant Bob!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 3 Nov 2012 15:43

Lifted from a Email........

A lady is suing her husbands' hospital, because after his latest round of treatment, he seems to have lost all interest in sex..........


an Opthamology spokesperson said,
We really cant put our finger on the cause for this,

all we did was correct his vision as he had defective eyesight...

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 24 Nov 2012 00:25

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

And an all-time favorite -

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 24 Nov 2012 13:44


He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

.
.
.
.
.
.
.



"Okay, okay I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"










George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 24 Nov 2012 13:47

One day a man decided to retire...


He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the
last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"