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OLDE CRONE RETURNS!!!! Time to journey home......

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 11 Dec 2005 19:11

Oh, I have a drawing of a pumpkin, a photo of a second cousin twice removed, a list of addresses for [C word} cards (almost untouched) and a will for someone who isn't a rellie! So you haven't used your stamps yet?? Well done. Though I think it is quite a worrying sign that you have even bought some........maybe you need counselling? The swede - sorry to hear it's only a least it's not a sprout, as that would indicate another step towards [C word]. Merry

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 11 Dec 2005 19:13

Ebeneza I have spent most of the day tidying my huge desk (it suddenly seemed very important to do it) and filing five-year-old Bank Statements etc. It looks ever so nice now, except for a rather large box which contains 'Things I don't know what to do with', amongst which is: Some keys to G-K-W. A sock. A packet of dried soup, very very old. Some plastic thingies, complicated looking design, they must be important, perhaps it'll come to me. Meanwhile I have done NOTHING towards Xmas at all - I need to be in panic mode to tackle it, probably middle of next week. Olde Crone

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 11 Dec 2005 19:45

What flavour is the packet soup? Is it on the 1901 census???? Merry


TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 11 Dec 2005 19:51

Olde Crone The story of your journey has a strangely familiar ring to it! I am however concerned that you are TIDYING UP for christmas. This is strictly against the rules of the house. I could not begin to list what is on my desk (although out of the corner of my eye I can see last years christmas cards and a small christmas 'favour' - also from last year.) As the dreaded sister-in-law (she who is about to die salutes you and all that) will be with us (again, and again, and .....) I shall have to do something about the desk, otherwise she will read everything and I am sure there is stuff here that I do not want her to read (like my payslips, for a start). However, I have it covered. The admin office at work is saving me half a dozen boxes, the sort that 10 reams of paper come in, and I propose to sweep everything off the desk into the boxes, and then hide them in my wardrobe - which I shall then padlock. That should do it. Oh, and I have spent all day on ebay, amazon, etc and can proudly announce that I have now finished the christmas shopping. (Just hope it all gets delivered on time!). Haven't started the christmas cards though ............ Tina (staggering off to find the sherry and a fish finger)

The Bag

The Bag Report 11 Dec 2005 21:03

Crone - dont you dare bin the soup - perfect for adding to the stuffing mix! And i'll go to the foot of our stairs if that odd sock doesnt match the one i have under MY desk. Gawd only knows what it is we are going to stuff though, except Eberneezer unless she stops whinging, other than ourselves with old 'bloomed' Quality Street. If you dont mind Merry , i shall sit in the passenger seat, and will equip my self with the mothers pride bread bag for the purpose of being sick, which i shall no doubt do at regular intervals. Be sure to plan some loo stop though because....actually, Crone, chuck us one of those Tena lady will you?.................. ...No dear, a Dry one please

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 11 Dec 2005 21:31

I'm sorry, but people equipped with Tena Lady have to travel in the boot, if they won't accept the perfectly decent offer of the roof rack. Alternatively, I could take out the front seat and exchange it for a commode........( that's the passenger seat, not mine!) Eb......I can collect you too as long as you are happy to be strapped in flat in the back seat, as under you there will be the entire contents of my larder that should have been eaten more than 5 years ago. In particular, a packet of icecream mix, bought from Priceright in Ringwood, where we stopped shopping in 1970! Olde Crone, I hope you didn't bin the bank statements, as I was hoping we could have a roaring fire to go with the Immitation Bailey's, dried out Quality Street and copious other chocolate we will be consuming.......... Excellent idea about the soup, though not convinced if it turns out to be tomato flavour......with chestnut stuffing???? Merry

The Bag

The Bag Report 11 Dec 2005 21:58

Unless crone is decent enough to send me a Tena lady , it will be a bin bag I'll be sitting on. In the boot? Okay, as long as you dont corner too fast, a bin bag is dandgerously sliipery when wet and i'd hate to spill the Baileys...Yes, You are driving so I'll take care of the baileys


Phoenix Report 11 Dec 2005 22:31

I'll bring the Tenas. They're on special offer at the moment so the Sainsbury's delivery man will be buckling beneath the load next week. Think I'll need them for cushioning if I'm going to be perched on top of the shopping. Jess, WHINGE? Moi? I'll substitute all the Lakeland choccies I was planning to bring for the homemade soup I've been experimenting with. You can have frothy green sludge, rubber mushroom, or whoops too much chilli beige soup. Marjorie had better rescue that packet. I bet it tastes better.

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 11 Dec 2005 22:42

I would try to draw you a map, my dears (says she who does not know her left from her right) but fear you may not reach me till Easter. I have a plentiful supply of Tena Lady, but do not quite know how my young, beautiful, and FULLY continent daughter will take the prospect of several incontinent women spending C- on the sofa. Still, lets not worry about her too much, it will be good training for when she has to take full time care of me - it will seem like nothing, after most of you have left and it will give her some idea of what is to come for her, should she be daft enough to have children. Tina - I wasnt tidying up for C-, I promise! It was a diversionary tactic, designed to prevent me from writing cards - I went to my desk, where I THINK there may be some cards left over from last year and had to unload everything onto the floor. It is a rather nice antique desk, with a tambour front (rolltop, to those of you who do not watch Antiques Roadshow) but I had quite forgotten this, as it is several years since I was able to close it. Sadly, I do not have an open fire, but I have had the most brilliant idea - we will have a barbecue, fuelled by my old bank statements, in the leaf-burner thingy. This will neatly encompass my revenge on the neighbours who burn nonstop beefburgers from early April to end November, and make my washing smell like it hasnt been. If we do this, it wont matter at all about the odd bout of Xmas incontinence, its good for the grass. If its a nice day - and it often is in Cornwall - I will drag the sofa onto the front lawn and we can have a really good time. Olde Crone


TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 11 Dec 2005 22:50

Oh, my goodness, I am so glad you all reminded me about the Tenalady order. Last time S-i-L came we had to fold up the dog's rug from the boot of the car and sit her on it in the car on the way home from collecting her at the station because she had obviously forgotten the said items. We drove with the windows open as well and it was b***** freezing. Must get a stock in ready. Now look, I know your christmas do must be down south 'cos otherwise why is Merry shopping in Ringwood? Ok, I accept fetching me from Cheshire is a bit too much to ask, but howabout this. Christmas Eve, while cooking turkey, I shall realise I have forgotten something vital and just have to dash quickly out to the shops. I have previously secreted in the boot of the car half a tub of Twiglets (left from last year), a pack of 50 cocktail sausages from the very bottom of the freezer (I think I defrosted 2 years ago last summer, so not that old really), and a tin of Bird's custard powder that I bought to stock the larder when I got married (1973). Naturally I shall go nowhere near the shops. I will drive to the station and catch the last train to San Fernando - or wherever. I will make my way to somewhere south of Watford and sleep on whatever station I end up at and perhaps you could collect me on your way past. Sounds a whole lot better that what is in store for me otherwise. Please, please can I come? Tina

The Bag

The Bag Report 11 Dec 2005 22:52

Alan has just looked over my shoulder.... has a vision of a motor cycle and side car... I ask '' a la Wallace and Grommit?'' Reply ''No Two fat ladies...'' Huh!! Crone, tell the daughter not to worry,the joy of a bin bag is it is fully transferable from seat to seat, if we each sit on our own bin bag, your sofa will be fine, Are castors allowed on the lawns of Crone towers then? maybe castor cups stop the divots in the lawn. ** anyone else notice subtle slipping in of the word 'Cornwall' there? -**

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 11 Dec 2005 23:06

Tina I like your plan......could you not pretend, when on whatever station, to be bewildered? If you had a label pinned to your coat with my addy on it, they might wizz you down to Cornwall in a blue-lighter, thus avoiding tedious traffic jams etc. I will greet you at the door with a 'Tut! Tut! where have you been to this time? Thankyou so, much Officers, how very kind, we are exploring the possibilities of Residential Care' This plan will mean that Jess and Merry need not reroute, or even stop - Tena Lady Nighttime are VERY absorbent. However, I am slightly worried (cos I'm a kindly soul) about your assembled family starving to death waiting for you to emerge from the kitchen - do any of them have life-saving domestic skills? (My Mum's friend had a nervous breakdown during Xmas Lunch and fled from the house in tears, in her pinny. She sat in the Park crying for about two hours and then skulked home, feeling rather daft. She snuck up to her bedroom - someone had placed a cup of tea outside the door!LOLOL!) Olde Crone

The Bag

The Bag Report 11 Dec 2005 23:22

Tina - you get as far as Watford then, you look bewildered, Sure that wont be hard. NO Merry WATFORD, not Watford Gap! Yes, its near the M1, but well, miles apart. I understand the loo's are good there so if we convene there well have a chance to have a pee before we start off. Would some one ask the kind man that draws the maps for auto route that really one should consider a travellers need for the use of toilets, not little church symbols and single track road warnings. The highlighting of public conveniences should really be given some priority


Joy Report 11 Dec 2005 23:29

Am now asking on gen, to see if there is response :-)

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 11 Dec 2005 23:29

Marion No, not Grottingham, we would never find our way home. I have just looked at the packet of soup - I told you it was very old, its a 'Chef Square Shaped Soup' - anyone else remember those? Its tomato flavour, which I HAAAAATE, and that probably explains why I never used it. I also have plenty of nutmeg, should anyone want mulled wine, or nutmeg soup - its the remainder of the ONE POUND (weight) of nutmeg I bought when newly married in 1967. Olde Crone


TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 12 Dec 2005 08:11

Oh dear, Olde Crone, now I feel even more inadequate. When you got married, you bought a pound of nutmeg. When I got married I bought a tin of custard powder. Who has the more finely tuned cookery skills? I can do bewildered - it's my normal expression. However, shall have to get out of Cheshire first, and then look bewildered as the police know me here! Tina


Macbev Report 12 Dec 2005 08:22

Olde Crone, et al, I've laughed till I cried as I lurked around your thread. Now I know where all the bright sparks on GR have gone. I WISH I had an invite to your C-party. I'm sure it will be more fun than mine. I have 2 birthday parties a week before C and I have 4 in the week following. I am all shopped out and broke. I do own some brandied cumquats if that was acceptable. Will there be any Fish or Holdens at the gathering? I was enthralled by them on your previous thread and am so jealous. I want some for my tree. Beverley, broke and birthdayed-out in Perth


Angela Report 12 Dec 2005 08:38

I couldn't find the button for 'I am a Pagan - I don't do Christmas and I am bu**ering off up the Amazon'. All I got was told off for not filling in questions about sprouts.

~¤§ Lara Linga Longa §¤~

~¤§ Lara Linga Longa §¤~ Report 12 Dec 2005 09:16

Oh Merry could with some of those Tena lady thingos down here in Oz after reading this you are a funny lot , and I badly needed a good laugh so have a good party and make sure when you make that pretend Baileys to double up on the amount of whisky in it and wow its alright I have some stuffing mix here that is only slightly out of date and some candied cherries that I couldn't find last year and came across them when cleaning out the pantry I could send them email to old crones Cornwall will that find you all ???? lol love Lara


Joy Report 12 Dec 2005 09:42

P-lease can I come, Old Crone? :-)