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OLDE CRONE RETURNS!!!! Time to journey home......

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 14 Dec 2005 19:06

Tina Are you suggesting that my sprouts are fit only for rocket fuel? No, I don't have kennelling for huskies, unfortunately, however they are very sturdy animals I understand, and will not mind sleeping outrside at all, I am sure. For safety's sake, I will chain them to next door's fence. Do they eat kumquats, do you know? Merry - not to worry about snowsocks for the Huskies, I have 37 odd socks here at your disposal, I have posted them Express. (I think Jess may have the odd one or two as well - perhaps she could bring them along for the return jhourney?) Oh, perhaps you would like to read and sign the enclosed House Rules? Just a minor formality, you understand. 1. No men (I concede that they do have some limited use, however in my experience this usefulness never coincides with Yuletide) 2.No children under 30 3.. No dysfunctional relatives, either your own, or someone else's. 4. Anyone rubbing their hands together and saying 'well!Well! This is nice!' will be taken out to the front lawn and beaten to death with a washing up brush. 5.Remove your OWN hairs from the soap. 6.Those unable to use the outdoor commode facilities, please FLUSH THE B- TOILET, utilising the brush if necessary. 7.Paper crockery and cutlery to be thrown on the fire immediately after use. 8.Please do not throw empty bottles or other containers at my neighbours, sling them discreetly over the fence when they are not looking. 9. Eat what you are given, without moaning. I will no doubt think of a few more. Olde Crone

The Bag

The Bag Report 14 Dec 2005 19:15

Sorry whole plan is off as far as i am concerned, I am going NOWHERE , repeat NOWHERE behind Merry , sitting on a comode or not, having consumed spouts anytime between now and the day we set off. I'm heavy enough to pull as it is, without having to carry Breathing apparatus with me. Jess x

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 14 Dec 2005 19:48

Jess, I kind of saw you and Merry in tandem, as in motorbike and sidecar, so you would miss the worst of the fumes. C........ Quiz: How many huskies does it take to wear 37 socks? 9 and 1 hopping 12 three-legged huskies and 1 hopping 18 running along waving their front paws in the air and still 1 b..... hopping. It's no use, Olde Crone, 37 is a prime number. Tina

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 14 Dec 2005 20:35

OK then Jess.........After all, when I get to you it must be downhill to Cornwall, as it's to the south........Also the general idea (originally) was that the huskies would be towing me on the commode and I would be towing you in the roof box......so perhaps we can go back to that? The Vindaloo looks too dangerous to eat, in any case. I can tie a couple of sets of pram wheels to the roof box, which might mean you will get to Cornwall (or New York) before me and the huskies? Tina.....Jess will provide some extra socks and I have a pair of nearly new slipper socks too, so that should save you some permutations. I HAVE JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT..... NO MOBILE PHONES TO BE BROUGHT......we don't want our party fouled up (fowled up?) my mad rellies saying, ''Where did you leave the giblets?'' and ''How many hours do I roast the C-mas Pudding for??'' and all that type of thing.......... Merry

Phoenix

Phoenix Report 14 Dec 2005 20:56

Aw, Merry, can't I bring mine? I still haven't worked out how to receive calls yet, but it's got lots of photos of churches and gravestones on it, that I KNOW you'll all be inetersted x intersted x intereested....like. My recipe for sprouts: fry with butter and nuts till black. Tip in a bottle of red and bile x boil hard. Stand over pan and sniff appreciately, otherwise you'll mss the alcohol. End result tastes and looks completely unlike sprouts, though it might still fuel a rocket. By the way, Ihope there's some cold turnip surprise for Boxing Day.

The Bag

The Bag Report 14 Dec 2005 21:07

Special request - can Bobbin wear fancy dress and pretend to be a huskie? A small springer - with lots of -b-o-i-n-g- can look very much like a Huskie , especially when wearing an array of odd socks. I dont have a problem leaving Alan behind - sure he'll find some Smash and a chicken nugget or two in the bottom of the freezer if he cares to look. Leaving Bobbin is something i am finding hard to contemplate.

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 14 Dec 2005 21:19

I have got my sewing machine out and am making a huskie suit in springer spaniel size as we speak! Please vote below for whether Ebenezer can bring her mobile???? I vote, YES, as long as we vet any potential incoming calls...... Merry

The Bag

The Bag Report 14 Dec 2005 21:31

Nope. categorically not. She may not know how to recieve incoming calls but You can bet your bottom dollar it's a camera phone. Do you want our antics splashed all over Hello magazine and the Daily Mirror? my agent simply forbids it.

Gwyn in Kent

Gwyn in Kent Report 14 Dec 2005 21:31

Will these dogs require a special diet to take on this mammoth task and what are they like at digging? O.C. mentioned about making a well. Do we have a return-home date. We have 2 family birthdays in the post C( ooh nearly said it) days and I may need to linger somewhere to avoid them.

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 14 Dec 2005 21:34

Re Mobile Phone Survey - Yes, so long as she promises not to turn it on. Do you know that you can be traced by the signal your mobile phone gives out even when you are not actually on a call? Do we want to be traced? I was thinking of hurling mine overboard somewhere around Cardiff. That should fool them. I was considering bringing my pooch along as well (black, curly, size of a not-so-small donkey). However, I have rejected that idea as I am acutely aware that although husband may initially make a few suitably anxious noises as to where I am, a couple of glasses of the old vino will soon calm him down. However, if his precious doggo is with me he will track us to the ends of the earth without food, water or sleep. Tina

The Bag

The Bag Report 14 Dec 2005 21:38

No special diet required Bobbin is as partial to a pickled Kumquat as i am. Can she dig? of course she can dig!You dont need a rotavator with a springer! Thing is, she doesnt dig down, (well, except when she is on the beach and cant work out here the wAter is sneaking up on her from) ITS MORE A SCRABBLE SCRABBLE SHUFFLE SHUFFLE 'FURROW DIGGING ' ACTION. Oh Bum the bl**dy caps lock fairy is back!

Unknown

Unknown Report 14 Dec 2005 21:47

Oh My Goodness!!! I've been reading this thread since 5 am, taking breaks, alternating between making coffee and running to the loo. I've been laughing so hard I set the bird (captive) two doors down screeching in unison.-for the umpteenth time this week. Tina, those C word emails I sent you contributed to the other times, especially the one regarding Santas bits. Oh, and I should point out that captive refers to the caged variety of bird, not those chained to the kitchen sink.......etc type. Although I daresay had she read said mails, she would have been screeching as well. Now.....down to business. Not exactly sure how to make it to Old Crones on time. Given the distance of 12000 miles it's a bit too far to swim, and I'm a bit wary of all those white pointers in the water. Never mind, where there's a will there's a way. Anything to escape a MIL who considers herself the family matriarch, and who gets sloshed on liberal doses of Pimms every C-, whereby turning her attentions to moi, the rebellious daughter-out-law. I can contribute some passionfruit ice-cubes that have somehow managed to survive two house moves. They are indeterminable years old but they will make a lovely glaze for the parsnips. Add a tropical touch to the occassion. And I have a bottle of pink vineg.....erm sparkling wine. Oooh! and a hamper of homemade jams from a school fete that my SIL gave me for my birthday. Perhaps they can be used to draw arrows in the snow to point everyone in the right direction. Old Crone, I would like to point out I was slightly saddened (actually I cried) to read about your curdled Baileys. Baileys should never last long enough to curdle. Hope to see you all soon, Cheers Rebs x. ps, where the blazes is Cornwall?

Gwyn in Kent

Gwyn in Kent Report 14 Dec 2005 21:56

Rebellious Elf If you waited until 24th you could hitch a lift with Santa. He knows the way to Cornwall and with the time zone difference you should make it in time for the party. Tell him to turn left at France and take you to the West Counrtry before he makes all his other stops.

Unknown

Unknown Report 14 Dec 2005 22:14

Thanks Gwyn, OOh, forgot about time zones. crap! does that mean I still have to survive the MIL at this end before travelling to Old Crones. And geography was never my strong point, but coming from down under, if I get the fat man to turn left at France, won't I end up in...........Russia? Now that's where you'll find a husky rusky or two!

Joy Kentish Maid

Joy Kentish Maid Report 14 Dec 2005 22:17

Rebs - you just need to look for Kim's house!!

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat

TinaTheCheshirePussyCat Report 14 Dec 2005 22:18

Gwyn - I fully acknowledge that I am geographically challenged, and therefore hesitate to correct you, but surely, if Santa is on his way from Australia, he should turn right at France to reach Cornwall? No, no, I've thought about it again. It all depends which way round he comes. Rebs, when you thumb down Santa, ask him whether he is taking the european or the american route to France. If the former, he needs to turn right, if the latter, he must turn left. It's going to depend who gets morning first, isn't it. Which way does morning come to us, from the east or from the west? Santa will have to come that way otherwise he would meet morning half way round and not have delivered all his parcels. I think I am confusing myself. I will slink back into the garage for a bit, the next layer of papier mache is due to be applied, and I think I may have spotted some 12 year old fireworks on a shelf in the far corner. Hmm, that would make the party go with a bang. I shall dig them out and add them to the bag marked 'Swag' which I am collecting. Tina

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 14 Dec 2005 22:22

Rebs Cornwall is the pointy bit at the bottom of England, practically severed from the mainland by river and sea, which is why the Cornish are so bloody stra---erm, independant. You have to pay to get in if you come by road, so fly or swim is best. Advanced Skiers could probably make it over the roofs of the cars waiting at the Toll Booth and Huskies, with a lead (that's lead == leading, not a heavy one) Springer, certainly could. Jess, I will be delighted if you bring your Springer, I still miss mine and the garden could do with a good digging over, as could the nearby beach, sadly neglected on the digging front since my own dear Springer left this mortal coil in search of more interesting sniffs. Bring your mobile phones by all means, there's no reception in Cornwall anyway, so it won't matter, although you could inadvertently set off the local Flood Alarms. That won't matter much either, as they are so distinctive that everyone knows not to take any notice of them. (I sat, entranced, one Xmas Day recently, after my mobile rang - no one actually there, but I could hear someone's C- going on -'Oooh, ta Aunty Edie, iss lovely, just wa I wanted - MAM! MAM! I can smell summat burnin did you ferget to take the plastic off the turkey? ' Because I am basically a very nasty person, I made no sound and mentally tittered at the thought of their very first mobile phone bill and the terrible recriminations that would follow: 'Oo is she? You better tell me now....') Um, will you be expecting decos? If so, I had better brave the shed and find that tin of glitter spray paint and do the cobwebs. And, if anyone is coming over the New Forest, perhaps a C-tree, if its not too much trouble? I have to say I am looking forward to the Readers Digest compilation of 100 best c- songs 1950-2000, should bring back many happy memories of my MIL sitting with tears running down her face - I always thought how pleasing she looked when she was crying. Olde Crone

Gwyn in Kent

Gwyn in Kent Report 14 Dec 2005 22:32

I'm not sure about Santa's present route. When my children were small he used to phone to check that they were ready for bed. He had already visited their cousins in N.Z. and was ready to put his boots back on to deliver in France, just a few miles across the water from here. He would therefore need to turn leftish to Cornwall but maybe he has digital navigation system and travels a different route now. ......... I would light a flare to guide him but don't want to confuse people steering near the lighthouse.

Gwyn in Kent

Gwyn in Kent Report 14 Dec 2005 22:37

Old Crone I have cousins near the New Forest. What size would you like? I'll get them to hold a tree aloft as Santa or the Commode passes over...

Merry Monty

Merry Monty Report 14 Dec 2005 22:37

CRONE......WHAT DO YOU MEAN???????????????....... ''One Xmas day recently''...........................Have I nodded off and missed the whole thing?????????????????????? Did everyone get home alright? Merry