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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees *PART TWO*

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Rainey

Rainey Report 20 Mar 2005 20:10

hi everyone yes i am back again, with more news if you dont mind, well the lovely joan has been working hard, she has found that my birth grandmother had 8 children, one of which was my birthmother, my birthmother also had three children and if you include me she had 4, thats a family and a half lol will keep you all informed regards lorraine xx

Donna

Donna Report 20 Mar 2005 21:56

hi jess and sue you are probably right jess i do not know what i am letting myself in for i do not know these people and now they want me to know all there problems i do not know who to beleive i think that i do need to take time out and think things through before i introduce my children to them jess my dad died in 1982 , i did find something interesting out though my dad was also addopted as was his brother small word i will keep everyone updated as things go on lots of love donna x x

Donna

Donna Report 20 Mar 2005 22:00

hi lorraine i have just read your thread i am so pleased for you and i would like to wish you every happiness it is nice to hear some loverly news lots of love donna x x

The Bag

The Bag Report 20 Mar 2005 22:04

Donna, if i am reading correctly your aunt and your Uncle hadn't spoken for over 20 years until today? Well, sweetie if you never SEE any of them again and never HEAR from any of them again - at least you achieved what you set out to - You met them. Jess

Unknown

Unknown Report 20 Mar 2005 22:12

Hi Donna, Glad you're home safe and sound. I'm sorry to hear that you were bombarded with people and all their probs. That is something you could have well done without today. It will probably take you a good couple of days to get your head almost straight again! Don't worry if not, everyone has to find their own way around these times. If you need any of us just give us a shout. We'll be there in a hurry. YOu may feel a bit overwhelmed at times but that is completely normal. Stay strong and don't feel as though you have been backed into a corner about things. This is your time and your journey. Take care Jules xx

The Bag

The Bag Report 21 Mar 2005 09:11

Been sitting on my garage step, thinking.Why garage step - don't know just was. It occured to me that all of us adopteed seem to go thru a process which I can equate to blowing up a balloon . new uniflated balloon=desire to know huffing and puffing = finding out all the info, putting in the effort and getting together the facts Tying the knot= the meeting/phone call that you set out to achieve the slow deflation = You did it and came out of it with some hopes and maybe dreams and they all slowly ebb away . How many have a balloon that's still inflated and isn't slowly going down?............... Jess x

Unknown

Unknown Report 22 Mar 2005 00:24

Blimey Jess Some of us are still at the new uninflated balloon stage cos people promise to return phone calls and provide information and then don't bother! Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 23 Mar 2005 08:24

where are Donna and Jules - how's it going you two? Keep thinking about both of you especially Lou....you needed me and i wasn't there- so sorry my friend.hope you got my message. ..... Jess

♫ Penny €

♫ Penny € Report 23 Mar 2005 12:08

nudge for Lorraine

Joan Allan

Joan Allan Report 23 Mar 2005 16:13

Jules has been away staying with her new found family. Back on Wednesday.

Donna

Donna Report 23 Mar 2005 19:10

hi jess , hi everyone jess my birth sister rang me last night and we had a good chat about things and we have promised to keep in touch and ring each other when we can that is nice , my aunty has not rang me yet but you never know she might , jess i found you story about the balloon very interesting and it is true nobody does no what you will find at the end all your dreams might be good or they might not be as good as your addoped parents but nobody will know unless they try jess have you had any news from your brother ? and lou have you heard anything from your search and jules how did you get on ? lots of love donna x x

Unknown

Unknown Report 23 Mar 2005 20:48

Hi All Jess, babe, don't feel guilty, it WAS pushing midnight and a shot in the dark that you would still be up! Just been speaking to Joan. She's had quite a lengthy chat tonight with my birth mother's new partner's sister (I THINK that was how it was!). Got LOTS of fam his, MAJOR skeletons falling out of the cupboard (boy..thought MY life was complicated!), but this lady thinks that birth mother will want to talk to me. There's a LOT of issues to consider BUT I now know for CERTAIN that the entire family know about me, I wasn't a dirty secret and THAT alone has made me feel so much better. Hoping to get an update tomorrow evening so will post when I have more info! Lou xx

The Bag

The Bag Report 23 Mar 2005 20:53

Lou- so glad, especially after our chat earlier.Did you do it? , You know!! Jess x

Rainey

Rainey Report 23 Mar 2005 21:41

hi lou i am so glad that things are looking up for you, isnt joan a wonderful lady, she is helping me to i hope things turn out ok for me, again i am really pleased for you regards lorraine xx

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 00:03

Hi guys, I can't beliebe how much I have missed you all. I have only been gone 4 nights! Went to sort out my feelings and relax. Neither happened. Pretty certain I have found out who my dad was. Won't say too much as I need to talk to Joan. Hope you all understand. I will tell you shortly what happened. Lets just say it's not good news, but not in the way you're probably thinking! Love to all Jules xx

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 07:35

Back again !! Just read ur updates. Jess, I like your analogy with the ballon. with my searching I have found myself at all stages at once then jump back and forth. I class my balloon as full on mum's side as everything is still going great there. I still miss mum but I know she is with me always and she is looking after my little girl. I had this confirmed last night. On Dad's side, well I can't decide. Perhaps i'm at all 3 stages. Will explain in a mo. Hope things have improved with your brother since we last had a chat. I know it isn't easy when you want to talk things thru with a 'real' rellie and they are a little reluctant. It can get very frustrating at times. Try to see if you can find another window to open instead. As Maria said to herself (sound of music) when God closes a door somewhere he opens a window. I'm not a religious buff, but it has helped me to realise that I have to try to stay positive and somehow I will find a way to find the answers I am looking for when I am ready for them. It doesn't help to be impatient as I am, but that's me!! Stay strong. Lou, Glad to see things have started to work out a little for you. I know the relief I felt when I knew I wasn't this deep dark filthy little secret I had been made out to possibly be. It was like having a great weight lifting off my shoulders. All families have skeletons in their closets. It's just that some have more than others. Glad to know you feeling a little better. Stay strong. Donna, Glad to hear that you have been in touch with your sister and that all is going well. Your Aunty may just need a little time to come around to you being back in her life. Just try to give her a little space and let her come to you when she's ready. Stay strong. lorraine, Glad things have been going well for you too. And yes, Joan is a great woman. i don't know what I would have done without her to be honest. Stay strong.

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 11:57

Update from me! Had a reply from new ad I placed in paper. L and M knew my Dad. They gave me their phone number and I phoned.......... It turned out that a dj on GMR saw the ad and phoned L and M to tell them about it. M knew instinctively that I was looking for my dad even though I hadn't stated that in the ad (just put his name and desripction etc). We had a chat on the phone firstly then M said she will try and find some photos for me and that I could go round and met her and L. She said she'd be able to tell if I was his daughter just by looking at me and also she asked if I could bring some photos of my mum, me and my kids. She did warn me that if it was him there was bad news. He had died 14 years ago. Murdered actually. I don't know why but I kind of expected him to be dead to be honest. Can't explain it. I had to find out about him anyway. As soon as we parked the car and got out I felt really, really sick. I knew for definate then it was my dad. My hubby and I met L and M. As soon as I walked in M caught a look of my dad in me. They told me quite a bit about him. I showed them a couple of photos of mum and M recognised her. That meant dad had brought mum to their house. He practically lived with L and M. He always brought the girls home to meet them. So that was a good sign. Apparently he was extremely intelligent as was his mum and grandad (professor). Dad had gotten into a well noted Grammer school at the age of 9 but had left early thru boredom as he didn't see the point in it. That is my son D all over. He too is extremely intelligent. At least I now know where he got it from! My son J is the spit of dad but dad had a slimmer face. My son D is the spit of dad's brother P but P had a fuller face. P now lives in another country that has nice lamb!! I on the other hand look more like grandad, great grandad and dad's sister G. We have similar traits. Easily fell in love and out again. Dad got this from his mum and I followed him. M hit the nail on the head on trying explain my dad and woman. 'he was like a lost soul. It was as though he searching for the love he didn't get from home' Boy did she get that right for me! That's exactly how I had felt all of my life. All I ever wanted was for my adoptive dad to love me and for my birth mum to come to take me home and love me too. Dad always had to have the last word even if he was in the wrong! I said to my hubby 'who does that sound like?' ME ME ME ME!!!! M and L are lovely wonderful and warm people and I can't thank them enough for what they have already done for me. They have given me that final piece of the puzzle that was missing. Yes, it wasn't the outcome anyone wants but I know have the knowledge I seeked. The journey isn't over by a long shot yet it's still only just beginning. I'm now trying to plan a trip to Holland in the near future to pay my respects to dad and who knows what else may come my way by then. I may have the opportunity to get in contact with my half sister or any of the family. Who can say what will happen. From all that L and M have told me about dad I'm not ashamed of him. I still love him and always will. After all he is still my dad. M doesn't think dad had been told about me. If he did he would have been around. He loved kids. He was a great man. A brilliant man and he is sadly missed by his friends L and M and many others I'm sure. I know my time will come when i will get the chance to meet him myself but until that time I have some lovely stories stored in my memory and a couple of pictures of him. And not to mention two new friends without whom I would still be searching. Thankyou L and M. Lots of love to you both. I don't feel bitter about it. Yes I do feel upset that he's not here but I just had to know about my past no matter what. Having the love and support from you guys has been wonderful and an inspiration to me. It has given me heaps of empathy for others who are in the same situation and makes me want to help others if I can. I also am starting another little search!! I know what you're gonna tell me! Joan told me last nite too. But to be honest I'd rather be busy than to sit around and dwell on things I can't change. To all who are still searching NEVER GIVE UP and STAY POSITIVE.

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 12:07

Jules I know what you mean about it not quite being the outcome you had expected or wanted but hopefully there's a kind of inner peace now at least you have the facts and you know where you came from which is what you set out to seek. It was lovely to talk to Joan last night after she had spoken to someone actually connected to my birth family, even if some of the information came as a huge shock. Knowing what I know now I'm SO glad that I took the 'softly softly' approach in attempting to contact my BM as apparantly she is quite fragile mentally, a result of a combination of recent events in her life but also, in part, down to the feeling of guilt about the adoption. I was not her first child, which was the biggest shock, I have an older brother too, who she kept with the support of her parents. When she discovered she was pregnant with me, it appears they were not prepared to accept a '2nd mistake' and insisted that I was adopted. I don't really know anything else (not that is appropriate to disclose on the board anyway!) but Joan is going to suggest to the lady she spoke to last night that she and I talk before going any further. My BM has been told that I am looking for her and apparantly she 'freaked' at first but is calming down now that the shock has worn off! Will keep you posted Lou x

Unknown

Unknown Report 24 Mar 2005 12:43

Hi Lou, I'm so happy that at last you can start to prepare yourself for what comes next. It may be a bit of a bumpy road emotionally but I'm sure that things will sort themselves out and you can begin to heal yourself. That might not be quite the right terminology but it's how I look at my situation. Before I can move on with my life I had to find myself and my family. I'm not fully healed yet but I'm on the road to recovery. I've always felt defective as though I was never good enough for anyone, wether that be my birth parents or my adoptive parents. I know deep down that I have done the right thing in doing my search as hard as it has been at times. On the other hand I will become a much stronger person because of it. I wish you all the luck in the world and send you lots of cyber hugs. luv Jules xx

Rainey

Rainey Report 24 Mar 2005 14:36

hi guys just thought i would bring you all up to date, sadly for me my reunion will not happen for what ever reason my birth mum has no wish to have contact with me, joan was wonderful, for all of you out there i am so pleased that things seem to be going so well for you i mean that from the bottom of my heart i really do. How do i feel at the moment very deflated yes i have cried, what hurts is the fact that i know she had four other children after me and kept them,i had tried to prepare myself for this, but it still hurts when it is said, so now i will have to wait and see what my adoption file says, i need to know WHY i was put up for adoption, was i really that bad, maybe i was, maybe she didnt have the support she needed as an unmarried mum who knows, but i do need to know the reason why. with all the love to you all lorraine xxx