Genealogy Chat

Dear Liz I have tried sitting outside in car, it did not help me just made me feel very sad and uncomfortable as passers by seemed suspicious! went back several hours later sat again knew I'd never be brave enough to knock the door. I wouldn't do it again felt sad for days after and solved nothing! A letter and a SAE as Jess said is proberly the best way forward. My thoughts and best wishes are with you whatever you decide.

Hi Liz, Glad to see that you are going with the letter now, because if you actually sit outside someone's house for more than an hour or two think people refer to this as stalking ;O) seriously try not to gt wound up about the letter have a good bottle of wine and write 10 or 20 different versions of the same thing and you have an idea of what the rest of us did :O) Look if he knows about you, either just clarify as Jess said he is the right person, or go for it and say you believe him to be your uncle and could he give you some family history, the first one might be the easier option. Good Luck! try and leave your nails alone whilst you are waiting for a reply! Angela and Honey, Your birth family are like your own family no-one can tell you it will be all plain sailing, you may find you do fall out, but thats a part of accepting each other warts and all! Glad to see you have stayed on Angela. Honey I am really sorry for the way your adoption was handled guess its a typical example of people doing what they think is right, but ultimatley is wrong for the people concerned, the only consilation you can have is at least by reading them it has dispelled your fears that your father did not want you, and put that question to rest in your mind. Cat, Wish Maddie well if she decides to contact her father. Emma Why dont you approach the society who arranged the adoption ask if you can leave a letter with their file telling them you would welcome contact later on if they so wish. Hope everyone else is well catch up with your all soon. Sheila

It is so true that this thread is a place to think aloud!! Thanks for reply Jess. As I was typing, and then re-read it, I realised that I have actually already made my mind up. First class stamp it is!!! Thanks for the tip on the SAE - I would have not thought of that and then spent hours agonising over whether I wrote my address clearly enough on the letter for him to then mistranscribe etc. (just like the enumerators!!) My first draft would have sent him to the hills so I will take your advice on brief and simple. Now just to find some decent writing paper!! Oh, and re-write my draft a few more times, have a few more coffees, and buy a new packet of cigarettes, whilst chewing my fingers to the tips!! Liz

Dizzy. Does he know you were born ? if he does, i guess he will not be that surprised when you pop up out of the woodwork. Until you are sure you have the right person, no point in going up there- write an open sort of- I am researching a family tree and believe you to be the brother of John X - dont use 'my birth father' because that might send him running. I suppose it depends on how fragmented the family is - he may have had 10 other letters from neices and nephews from all over the place or none if the family is still quite close. Ask if there is anything he can tell you that will calrify he is the brother of John X , and of course, enclude an SAE. personally i wouldn't use an address other than my own (unless you have very good reason for doing so) You want him to be open and honest with you, so why hide? jess x

opinions please - I am torn between doing a scouting mission (to Scotland so it will set me back a few quid!) and to just writing a letter to B Uncle. Not sure what results a scouting mission can bring - I can sit outside one definite address, and one possible address - but then what?? I am 99.9% decided that I won't knock on the door, so it is just going to be sitting and watching the comings and goings. (always the risk that they are on holiday etc.) Plus how long can you sit in a Close and not rouse suspicion...? But then I get to see what vibes I can pick up, and if I can get to know anything about the family. If I do a scouting mission, it will be in about 3 weeks time. Thoughts of a letter - what do I write??!! How do I sum up 31 years etc. I have done a draft, and hmm... Its easy to write about how I found his address but then I get stuck. Will obviously be far cheaper in terms of a First Class stamp vs air fare, hotel, car rental etc. If I write a letter - do I go third party? I am likely to use another address for any contact (though I don't know why!) and then do I also put a phone number / email address. As you can probably tell, I am in a quandry!! Opinions and thoughts gratefully received!! What did you fellow adoptees do? If you are a birth relative, what would you want to happen or how did it feel when it happened? Liz

Hi Dizzy Lizzy... Yes I have been in touch with a couple of the birth siblings, but they do not really enthuse with the idea of keeping in touch, they 'discarded' me all over again some months ago, so that is when I decided to do my tree in ernest. One B sister gives the reason as..' let sleeping dogs lie'... her words !! * sad smile*Their loss, not mine!! I also try to keep in touch with adoptive sister, but it's getting harder to talk lately, for different reasons... also uncovering some secrets could be harming our relationship. Like I try to tell whoever... we cannot be blamed for our ancestors lies and deceit, so lets just get on with it... I have, and thoroughly enjoying it, life that is!! lol Anne :)))

Morning peeps Just to let you know that Maddie now has a possible addie and phone number for her Dad. I rang her with it late last night our time and she was totally overwhelmed that a likely has been found so soon. I don't know yet how she plans to approach this one but I'm sure she'll keep you posted. I've 'done my bit' now and am trying to stay out of it. Much as I love her, this is something she has to do herself Lou

hi every one im glad 2 that i have stuck to this thread,there are realy some lovely people out there,who know how i feel thank you my real parents also refused to sign the adoption papers,and i only found that out,because i got my file,still dont understand why. all didnt turn out well with my brothers even though it was great to meet them and i will never forget them.after recieving my files iv not heard from my little brother since and we did have good relationship,iv sent letters and tryed to keep in touch but when you get no reply you just give up i cant make some one want to be in my life my middle brother also fell out with me because iv done the family tree on my birth fathers side and 2 aunties contacted me,he said that he dosnt see these aunties as his family and they were never there for him when he was growing up.felt very guilty about been in contact with my aunties as i felt i had betrayed my brother,but im still in touch with my aunties and not heard from my brother for 2 months my older brother is very understanding and passed on all the pics of my ancesters to him and lots of history of our family he was over the moon, so it has been a very big roller coaster of feelings for me lots of love to every one angie xx

Dear Honey Rum, Your file must have been a really difficult read for you - I really felt for you as I was reading your message. It just shows that what a person can believe to be the universal truth (because a 'grown up' told em so) can be turned on its head. Are you still in touch with any of your family? best wishes Liz

Angela- you are so right .We do 'all get like that' what ever 'that' is - and that can everything from raving bonkers happy.... to the depths of dispair. That is why we are good for each other- we , and only we, know what it is really like. Glad you've decided to stick with us. Honey Rum Funny is'nt it that someone will go out of their way to make the effort to tell you something ('for your own good ' presumably,) only for later for you to find out that it wasn't the truth! Why make that effort? perhaps thats why i take most things I am told as 'fact' with a pinch of salt and am generally synical about life. Jess x

Some time ago, I related on a thread that I had contacted Social Services in the area I was adopted and requested my files to be sent to me. After a meeting with a local social worker, helping me where I live now with the file request, I can now tell you that I have succeeded in getting them. They do not tell me much more than I knew already, having been adopted at the age of 8, but there is some detail that surprised me. For instance... my mother died when I was 3 and my brother 4 days old, and I was always told that my father could not wait to sign the adoption papers... this was I think to try to get me to alienate myself completely from my birth family..( I tried even at that age to keep in contact because I knew where we had lived and knew where most of the birth family were.) In the file it stated that my birth father refused to sign the adoption papers, and insisted that we had only been taken away to give him respite for a couple of months... my adoptive parents 'new' people in authority, and it was taken before a court, who gave permission for the adoption to go ahead despite his refusal to sign. My birth father died with me always thinking that he could not wait to get rid of us, and feel so sad that these things happened for no good reason that I can detect from the file... even the SW on the case at the time, wrote ' This is not the right family for Anne to be with, I suggest rethinking your decision to have her placed with Mr&Mrs ?? and let her live with her fathers brother and his wife, as they have taken care of her in a previous situation . She is not treated like one of the family, even though this couple have asked to adopt her. They are also willing to take ? ( brother) so that they will not be split up, and when Mr. ? has sorted out his problems, they can return to the family home.' Things are not always black & white till you see it written down!! Anne :)))

Hi Anglea and Cat, Glad to see that you have stayed on here Angela, I a sorry that you were rejected by your birth parents unfortunatly thats a situation we all possibly face when we start our searches, try to concentrate on the posative though, the birth family that you have made a relationship with :O) Cat looks like your bith mother may be a bit scatty, give her the benefit of the doubt, if you do say something try to make light of it, and hopefully she will get the hint. With regards to Maddie I have both the 2003 and 2004 info disks let me know if you want to do a look up for her and see what I can find just send the details to me direct. Hope everyone else is keeping well! Sheila

Thanks all! I'm not sure how to approach it, think I'll have to be blunt and point out that she was a wee bit early but am pleased that she even bothered to send a card. Sometimes I do wonder whether she's got a bit of a memory problem. When we were talking the other night, she made a comment about the older half brother's wife being 14 years younger than him cos she's only 26. There's actually less than 18 months between all of us which makes W 37 this year, not 40. Hope she doesn't plan a huge surprise for him 3yrs early! Anyway, onto other things....Maddie has decided to try and contact her dad but he's moved from the last known addie the family had for him. She doesn't really want to start getting the Salvation Army or Norcap or anyone involved in case once she has an address for him, she changes her mind or wants to 'sit' on it for a while. She's in San Francisco so has limited access to information and I'm pretty clueless. I tried that 192 site last night but it seems to have changed and you have to pay a fortune to view anything now. Any ideas, girls?????

hello every one thank you all for been so kind thats amazing getting a birth day card of your mum what an amazing feeling that must be just wanted to say yes it is difficult for me sometimes but we all get like that now and again all i ever wanted was for my birth parents to say they wanted me and they loved me feeling bit emotional now,have never coped with rejection very well,so excuse me for been a bit tearfull i do love this thread,cus it has so many happy stories and im so pleased for all of you who have been reunited with your parents i have first hand experience of been reunited within a couple of months i found my three brothers that was 2yrs ago and the feelings i felt for all my brothers well i just cant explaine it was the best day of my life and i will never forget it lots of love angie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh my goodness I am really sorry I hope I have not upset anyone by my excitement, maybe I was a bit over the top but I have been searching for so long and had got at times very despondant myself. Please don't leave I have been reading this thread for months and the advice that people have been given with warmth, kindness and empathy cannot ever be valued enough! This subject for some people is very difficult to talk openly about and very emotional and as Jess says GR have recognised its worth.

Oh and by the way... as long as we behave Estelle wont delete us as she considers us a useful resource for adoptees, although we aren't a tip as such we are officially allowed to be here. Thats good,SO BEHAVE!! ;-)) Jess xx (a message that i left about a zillion replies back was this; friends. With GR's promise to delete anything that isn't a 'tip' on the tips board I have changed the title of this thread. I most sincerely hope that GR do not find it to be misplaced.

Jules, Be safe , be good and be happy. We won't know where you are, but you know we'll always be here. As I started the thread can I make it my place to say 'thank you' for you invauluable contributions- on behalf of us all. Love Jess xx

Jules - don't leave!!!

Hi, I was just thinking about the card. Wonder if anything happened a month before she gave birth - like that was when she made the final decision to go the adoption route or had a meeting with social services etc. Or whether she finds it unconsciously so stressful, that she can't commemorate the date, and has to choose a date earlier. Apparently there are a lot of birth mums who completely blank out all details - date, time, place of birth etc. as it was almost PTSD at the time of the event. Liz

Hi Jules, Are you leaving the boards ? Never, stay! you may still need advice from us, and vice versa over the coming months and years :O) Don't think this ever finishes there are always new issues to contend with. Sheila