Genealogy Chat

Hi everyone, Sue, Glad you have your file now. Take some time to let all the info sink in. As for your b/f. Double check with your b/m when you're ready, who she says is your b/f. It may be a clerical error if you were adopted before late 1975. Unfortunately, some records were not very precise back then as reunion wasn't going to be possible. Penelope, My personal opinion of Norcap isn't very good. However I know they have helped some people. I would recommend that you get in contact with the adoption agency that dealt with your adoption. If you can't visit them, I'm sure they would be able to put you in touch with an adoption worker closer to home. Wishing you both good luck Jules x

Hi ann, and anyone else taking a peek! not sure what you mean by Norcap are holding onto your paperwork until you can provide more evidence- evidence of what, for heavens sake? Have you been in touch with your local social services?They should be the people that access your file with you. Don't think anyone has the right to withhold the info, whatever your birth mothers mental state - Accessing the info is your right, the decision as to if to contact her might need some guidance from profesionals- such as Norcap- But surley they cannot deny you access to the info. Grab the wotsit by the thinggies and ring that chap back! jess x

Penelope, you'r best having a look at Smiley sams thread her brother-in-law is having the same type of problem and there is lots of advice, some that may help you. personally i would phone this nasty mans manager, or threaten to get a solicitor on to him. MOE! Jess might know a bit more.. wheres jess? JESS............

hi sue good luck with reading your file i had mine 2yrs ago and still read through it every now and again,some of the stuff in mine i knew and a lot i never best wishes angie x

hi everyone, i got my adoption file this morning,my social worker is so nice. I am just a bit confused at the moment as it has my birth fathers name in it and it is totaly different to the one my birth mother gave me,so I am sitting here confused!!!!!!!!!! It is amazing how 28 pieces of paper can make you feel! it contains lots of information some i already had and some i didn't, Will probably spend the next couple of days just looking at it I think!!!! love Sue

Hi I wonder if I can ask for some advice, I have been reading this thread for some time now and I would like some advice on the right/wrong way to go about contacting my BM. I have tried NORCAP and they are holding my paper work until I can provide futher evidence! I sent her birth cert. her marriage cert. my original birth cert. court order for adoption plus much more! I know her to be living at the address I gave them! Just to add another spanner in the works I believe her to be 'mentally frail' and have contacted her social worker through her community of mental health dept. As you can imagine this took many e-mails and phone calls and having to briefly explain who I was and why I wanted to contact this lady and the person who I eventually found said he would think about this situation and said 'he hadn't said that she was a client of his anyway' and would ring me back last Friday well he hasn't. I want to do this the right way if she is very frail then I believe I will only get one chance for her to want contact or not! sorry to have gone on a bit hope this makes sense any advice very welcome Thanks, Ann

Hi Everyone! Just nudging up for a newcomer. Hope your all Well Sheila

Hi everyone, Just to stick my two penny worth in, we all have our own opinions and demons to deal with. We've all had different experiences with our adoptive families. But one of the things we shame is the fact we were adopted. Not by our choice. The reasons for this are as varied as we are. Some were pushed into by their parents and some by society. Some for purely selfish reasons. Each parent, in my opinion deserves a chance to explain that very reason even if that reason was a selfish one. Not everyone would agree with my opinion but that's fine. To be able to move on with your life you need to know the circumstances surrounding your adoption. For me nothing could have been worse than blaming myself as a child for being bad and thinking that's why I was adopted. My adoptive parents didn't help alieviate my fears possibly thinking that this would dissuade me from searching when I was old enough! Who knows. I'm now 31 with a family of my own and finally needed to know all about my birth family good or bad. I had reached a stage in my life that depended on knowing everything once and for all. Even if it all went horribly wrong. In my mind, what's the worst thing that happen to me? Nothing. I had nothing to lose. I couldn't lose what I never had. What could I gain? If nothing else, information. My Mum's name. In my mind anything was better was nothing. Was I wrong to think this way? I don't know. Maybe it was a coping mechanism. Throughout my search I remained realistic but hopeful. Everytime I had a lead I was so nervous I felt sick. On the other hand even when I had a 100% positive lead on a rellie I tried to tell myself that it can't be them. They won't want to know me or they may not even know about me. Boy was I wrong !! The first person I tried to contact on here was Mum's youngest brother, my Uncle Stephen. He was the key to the family tree. But I didn't get a reply. I started to get panicked that they didn't want to know. We found an ex wife of another brother on this site and contacted her. She asked me to ring her and the rest is history. Although Mum and Dad are no longer here I have found peace within myself and on top of that two wonderful families to call my own. I have found many friends in the process and most are on here. My Uncle Stephen changed his email address so often he forgot to update it on here, as he hadn't used the site in a while. He has since sorted it out and cried when he read my message. There are things you may find are slightly different to what you have been told or what is in your adoption file especially if you were adopted before the law changed in late '75. I found a couple of things. Nothing major but there nevertheless. There is one question I have that will never be answered in this life. I'm pretty sure I know the answer but I'm not going to dwell on it. I have my family to concentrate on now and helping others in the same situation. Whether they be adoptees, adopters or birth parents and their rellies. Sorry to have waffled on so much. Wishing all the best to everyone Jules xx

Hi everyone can i just say that when you feel that searching for your birth family is not worth it after all, remember that it is not just for yourself that you cannot give up but for the next generation. My mother was adopted in 1926 by her birth father and his wife. her birth mother popped up now and again through my childhood but we knew her as 'auntie lily' after my mother died in 1974 i saw 'auntie Lily a few times passing on the street, but as a 13 yr old i was not interested in talking about family history and the rumour that she was really my nan. I really regret that now and i am determined to find out as much as i can about her, my mum had no time for her because she adored her step-mother even naming my sister for her,As i dig deeper my sister is getting more annoyed so i don't tell her much now, but i feel that i have a right to know as i am not a child anymore,I have a feeling that my birth grandmother had more children because by the time my mother was adopted she had married aged 20yrs so maybe i have aunts/uncles out there, as my mother was brought up as an only child.Don't give up for your childrens sake even if the news is bad at least its something. best wishes to you all MOE!

Just thought I would say that I did it.... I told my mum that I had been searching and had found my B Uncle. I led into it by commenting on some links I had found with my family tree and then said I had been also found my other family tree. She took it so calmly that I thought she had misunderstood at first!!!! Guess I haven't been that 'successful' in hiding what was going on for me!! Again - I wish good luck to everyone else with the adoption triad route. Its not easy but then I guess that 'easy' wasn't promised at the time of adoption. Liz

Hi there and welcome., especially to Lorna. yes we are a bit of a community and one thing we do well is 'discuss'- which helps people (not just adoptees i hope ) to see things from all sides. I think, although others may disagree, that it is a bit judgemental to say birth parents show no remorse, especially of a birth parent that you have never met. I guess in most cases we were given away for a better life than could have been provided for us than by our birth parents. I certainly was! To say I wish I hadn't been given for adoption isn't true - to to wish that my birth mother was sorry she gave me up...NO! Just what i feel Jess x

Hello I've only been on here a short while and already have received 3 very supportive emails thank you very much. My minds in a bit of turmoil at the moment but reading some of the posts on here top most at the moment is i suppose what have i got to lose Its not right tho is it that what you've never had you never miss. I could never have searched for my BM while my adoptive parents were alive it would have hurt them too much cos i was theirs and we loved each other a lot. I dont think I want to meet my Bm after all one rejection is enough dont u think so i think I am gonna go ahead and see what i can find out will keep coming on here its like a nice little community isnt it thanx once again Lorna X

hi everyone i have been ofline for quite a while that is why i couldnt tell all you kind people how my counselling went so here goes. i have a very nice lady called marion and my meeting was in wimborne just 10mins away for me. i already knew my birth name and my birthmums name the one thing i wasnt 100% on was the definate surname of my birthfather the surname card had been found and hey guess what the surname card came up, the lovely joan allen had done a lot of reasearch for me and she thought that a mr card could possibly be my father and she is obviously right i have done some reasearch on my own and have discovered that i have a full brother on friends reunited and there are three other full siblings as well i havent actually seen my birth file yet but all the paperwork has been filled in so now its just waiting to view my file, i am so tempted to send the gentleman on friends an email but as most of you already know my birthmum does not wish to be reunited with me but i am hoping that a sibling would like to know. i think the other lady on here who is from dorset is it angela please feel free to email me, and anyone elase please feel free to answer with any advice that i may well need i have missed you all and i am glad i am back now with no more pc problems with love lorraine xxxxxxxxx

Hi Jess, You called :O)) I will e-mail Pat and see if I can help at all. Speak soon. Sheila

Pat, you are a w onderful person, and don't you ever lose sight of that - sorry just what i feel reading your posting. Sheila will be the best one for this job. hang on there ''.......SHEILA..!!.'' That should see her come running jess x

Hi Pat, I am emailing you direct Jules

Hello All, I have read all your stories on this thread with tears in my eyes, and I wish you all good luck in your searches. Mine is a slightly different tale and I need some advice about what to do. I gave birth to my daughter in 1964, (father did a runner) so I had to face music myself. He did see her when she was born so did his family. but by that time my father was adament that he was not comming back into my life. In fact he was insisting I had her adopted. I fought tooth and nail to keep her, and with the support of my mother he was encouraged to change his mind, I then met someone else and married him, he adopted her and we had 3 other children. When we divorced in 1978 she was told the situation. She wanted to find her BF so I did all I could to help her, we did find him but he didn't want to know her as he hadn't told his wife and daughter about her. My daughter is now 40yrs old and has suddenly decided she would like to find him again, and has asked for my help, I havn't a clue where to start this time, he could be anywhere. Any tips would be of use. Pat

Hi Folks! Just checking back in after my hols to see how everyone is getting on :O) Glad to see so much posative feedback on her. Sue, How's the letter writing going, how many drafts of it have you written so far? ;O) listen he has told your Social Worker he wants to hear from you, don't get to wound up about what to say to him, just break the ice and make first contact with him. I am sure any of us on her will help you if you need it. Good Luck! keep us informed on events. Bev, What your feeling is perfectly normal, I started my search when both my adoptive parents were alive, then went abroad and it went on hold, when I was in a position to carry on with it both my parents has passed on, and I also felt a little guilty, as I knew my mother always had a fear of losing me (as if!!). However, I realised they had both always wanted the best for me, and if I felt that I needed to investigate my roots then they would understand, they were and always will be my parents, but sometimes you need to find some answers to your questions, don't feel bad about this it in no way affects the way you felt about them. Hope all goes well for you, let us all know if you need any help with look-ups etc. You did say your sister had met you several times whilst knowing who you where, not all of them could have been by accident, you never know maybe she is waiting for you to make the first move, it has to be your deciscion though don't let anyone push you into it till you feel comfortable about it, maybe things may not turn out OK for you, its a risk we all take, but if you do not try you will never know, also you know they are aware of who you are, so that should make things a little easier. Hope so, let us know if we can help you also. and Lizzy, Glad to see Margaret has come up trumps for you, she is lovley isn't she, and she is a whizz on Scottish roots, knew she could help you. Reckon you go for it with your Uncle (nothing about your mother turned up?) if he was there for the birth he wont be shocked if you suddenly turn up will he ;O), but I can understand your shock at the moment reckon most of us go into this search expecting very little, if anything ,to come from it and to suddenly find your birth family so quickly can be a bit daunting! Although on a posative note he may be able to make the path a little easier to contacting your mother also. Maybe its time to talk to your parents they may even give some information that is not on your files that may help you, just remember to re-assure them how you feel about them, and this in no way effects your relationship with them, that you are just curious and feel you need to do this. Wishing you all the Very best of Luck, if any one does need any look-ups on the elecotoral roll let me know. Take Care for now. Sheila

Thanks Jess and Jules for your replies. Typing all of that last night made me realise a few things. Firstly that I have to make contact with the uncle. Being a bit of a believer in fate, it must be the right time to make contact, otherwise I wouldn't have found the address so quickly!! (Believing in fate can get me into some trouble at times!!!) Then I realised that before I make contact, I have to speak to my mum and dad. I don't feel like I want to have any more develop without telling them first. They must have guessed something by now!! And then working on the basis that I would hate for him to move / die / etc, I need to do it sooner rather than later. *gulp*!! And Jess, I loved your story! I bet your Dad was dying to tell you that he was waiting and watching so he could tell you he loved you. Liz

Hi Dizzy Lizzie, just to tell of the flip side, my adoptive parents knew i was looking and were behind me in that. My dear dear Dad managed to find out where I was meeting BM and was (I only found out later ) hiding in a nearby shop, in case there was 'fall-out' (i don't mean she and i falling out! lol) Apparently he followed us and lurked in the shadows and trotted off home once he saw me get back in my car and drive away. He never told me at the time that he had done this, but letit slip one day, right out of the blue. i asked him why- and his reply was ''Because we love you and always promised to take care of you '' I love you Dad, big as I am! Jess x